Backyard Litter Box

The little stray bastard that peed on Ben's shoes, soon to be pissing on wifey's! Mhua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!Dear Al:
My garden has a pest problem, the neighborhood cats! They turned my garden into their personal litter box! I've tried every trick in the book to repel them, spent hundreds of dollars on various repellents, but they keep coming back. Part of the problem is that my wife likes these cats, because she regularly feeds them when we should be stomping their little heads!

Today after I discovered that a cat peed on my sneakers, since I left them on my terrace, I decided to take them out once and for all, with my sons b-b gun from our second floor window, but my wife foiled my plans when she caught me setting up. If you have any ideas on how to repel these pests, I would greatly appreciate it!
-- BEN, GEORGIA

Dear Ben:
First off, violence never solves anything. How would you like it if one of those cats stomped on your head? It wouldn't feel good now, would it?

Anyway, I had the same problem a few years back, but I discovered a fullproof way to repel these little stray bastards. First become friendly with them, feed them a few times, and when they get use to you, looking up at you waiting to be fed, pee on them. The last person I gave these instructions peed his pants, so make sure you follow each step carefully. Nothing is worse than having the neighborhood cats thinking you're a moron, then you will never get rid of them!

To solve the problem with your wife feeding these pests, wait until she has a stuffed up nose, then put her shoes on the terrace over the weekend so the cats can piss on them, and place them back so she wears them to work Monday morning. Works every time! But if it doesn't work this time, and you find your ass out in the street, write Dear Abby.

Good luck!

10 comments:

Dear AL said...

Just kidding, Ben! You can write me again! Just not sure if I can locate a shelter for battered husbands who's sneakers have been pissed on in your area, but I'll sure give it a try!

ramblings said...

Oh MY!!! Pee on the cats, how funny is that? You kill me, did that really work?

I have a cat, but he's trained like a dog, and goes outside to do his business, and it's always across the road. He hasn't used a litterbox in 4 years.

Don't naturlists say that fecies is a fertilizer?

Goodbye Mes Amis said...

LOL - My friend once bit a cat who had just bitten her.
I have another idea. Plant cat nip in the next door neighbour's garden (or maybe all the garden's except for your own).

Ben said...

Thanks for the advice, AL! Hopefully I'll be pissing on their heads sometime this week! LOL! Not sure if I'll go through the last idea with my wife, but if she pisses me off, I'll personally piss on her shoes myself!

The Torch Singer said...

Al,

Michele sent me...

Yes, that is one way you could deal with the problem....

Trudy Booty Scooty said...

lol I have no idea how people write in to you..or if you make this stuff up....but you're a riot!

Dear AL said...

Ramblings, the peeing on the cats did work. Those little bastards had it coming since they peed on my morning paper half a dozen times!

Jessica, did that cat claw your friends eyes out? If a cat bit me it would be time to bring in the big guns, my neighbors pitbull!

Ben, good luck with peeing on their heads, and your wifes shoes!

The Torch Singer, it works every time, and for females too if you use a cup.

Trudy w/The Dancin Booty, I did make one up, but the rest is real, or made up stories from my readers. My email is on my blogs sidepanel, but I'm thinking about adding it to the end of my posts.

Webmiztris said...

gotta mark your territory!!

cherish said...

Interesting advice.

Rose DesRochers said...

LMAO too funny