I'm Being Sexually Harassed

Dear AL:
For the past month and a half at my new job, my butt ugly supervisor I nicknamed Stinky has been sexually harassing me. At first I thought he was just trying to make me feel at home, since I was new. It all started when I had a problem with my computer, which Stinky offered his help. He leaned over my shoulder with his face to look at my monitor, that we was cheek to cheek. I then heard him sniffing my perfume, and when I got a whif of him, I felt like throwing up! He smells like a smoker who eats horse crap!

He's always walking into my cubicle while I'm working, most of the time sneaking in so he can rub my shoulders, but last week Stinky played with my hair! Everywhere I go, Stinky shows up, and always sits next to me during meetings! He asked me out one time, but I told him I was taken, so he said "a little affair goes a long way", Quid Pro Quo.

Al, what can I do about Stinky? It's bad enough he smells like shit, the man is geting on my nerves!
-- Harrassed, Big-Ass Corporation

Dear Harassed:
Sorry Stinky is doing more than smelling up your airspace, time to set his ass straight! Keep telling him firmly to stop, talk about it with others, while Documenting and keeping copies of dates, times, and witnesses of everything that's happening, emails that are related to the harassment, even if it's anonymous, negative actions that you experience because of your refusal to submit to sexually harassing behavior, poor evaluation, a demotion, or low grade because of your refusal to cooperate with the sexual demands.

Buy yourself one of those tiny voice activated tape recorders, and hide it somewhere close to your computer, or better, wire yourself. Keep copies of the tapes at home. You need as much evidence as possible, specially if Stinky is popular, so they can't take his word over yours and give you the boot, but more than likely they are looking for an excuse to get rid of Funky Ass Breath!

Why do sexual harassers stink? Gallop poll states that 80% of sexual harssers breath smell like poo!Once you collected enough evidence to fry Stinky, go out and buy yourself one of these handy dandy gas masks, and every time mr. Funk Breath walks into your office cubicle, scream "GAS!", and put it on! After a few times of doing this, Stinky should get the picture, or have a heart attack! Then proceed to your companys Human Resource office and file your complaint, just remember to take the mask off!

Visit the Sexual Harassment Support site, that's where I got most of my information. They don't have any advice if the harasser stinks, but I got you covered!


Rose DesRochers said...

Did you have to go and say Funk Al. LMAO

Harassed, Big-Ass Corporation, tell him that the very site of him makes you vomit. If that doesn’t work, have a bunch of people in your office take up a collection and on his birthday purchase him a basket of bath products.

Next time he sits next to you, turn to one of your other colleges and ask them what that smell is.

On a serious note, you need to file a lawsuit against this sicko.

Tracie B. said...

i would suggest that the next time she sees him, to vomit right in his face. yes, while his mouth is open from oogling. if he comes around again, make a vomity noise, and just watch that turdly man run...i swear to you, it works just like a charm!!

Webmiztris said...

Wow, my ex-boss is still up to his old hijinx! LOL Seriously, I had a boss like that and he even used to take breaks to have sex with the other boss in her office. Then afterwards their office smelled like sex. It was quite disturbing.

Goodbye Mes Amis said...

I like tracie's advice actually.

Dear harrassed,
I had this happen once. It sounds straightforward but it's not. It is really hard to tell someone you work with to stop playing with your hair, I know. It makes one feel like one is making a mountain out of a molehill. People you think are your friends will think you are being dramatic. Take Al's advice and prep for the lawsuit. Meanwhile, mention to him that halitosis is a medical condition and that medical attention should be sought.
Good luck.

Trudy Booty Scooty said...

ewwwwwwwwww an office that smells like sex? GAG

She could always wear tons of some godawful perfume until he also wants to throw up and leaves her alone.

Although, I've seen some pretty sick chit on the web....but we won't go there.

Vengelyne said...

The only case of sexual harassment I had wasn't up to this extent, but when the pervert was reported by me to the boss, he did stop. I was even asked if I wanted to file a police report on him, but I didn't.

What was bad after that, was that I lived in the fear of him taunting me outside the office, stalking me and vandalising my car as he knows where I park, work and stay! Good thing the guy was chicken shit and didn't do anything to me. After a year he was dismissed from work due to embezzlement of funds.

Sigh. Why do women have to put up with shit such as these?

Dear AL said...

Rose, yes I had to go and say FUNK, you have a problem with that! ;)

Tracie B., good advice!

Dawn, I use to have a boss that tried to get into everyones pants, just she had a problem, nobody wanted her. She didn't stink, just looked like Merkel.

Jessica, I've worked with people I thought was friends, but once I complained about something I became the big cry baby! I then super glued their mail boxes.

Trudy, I also work with a funky ass person. I'll give that perfume idea a try, by dousing him with it!

Vengelyne, so far I never been sexually harassed at my present job. I must be really ugly!

Mr. Universe said...

Al, while you're at it, why don't you tell her to by a whole chemical suit!

I can't believe you! Where does humor fit into this?

I wish you luck Harassed!

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

a lethal combo of raw garlic and onions will chase your harrasser away. warning: it may also have the same effect on your colleagues. or you can always pretend to have a bad case of the flu and cough at his face maliciously. giving him a used kleenex is a bonus. works like a charm ;)

Amber said...


I think some of the humour lies in the bad grammer... I'm just sayin'.

beadinggalinMS said...

tell him you just got back from the doctor's office and they are not sure what you have. Any contact will spread the rash and they will break out with oozing sores along their private areas. Plus they informed you that you have head lice so if he gets close to your hair they will jump on him. Start scratching like crazy.

Rose DesRochers said...

Yes, Yes, Yes I do!!!