Why Are Most Women So Boring To Hang Out With?

Dear Al:
When my husband and his brothers all get together for an outing, the wives are expected to hang out together too. But I don't enjoy hanging out with the women who only want to talk about babies and clothing and home decor and all of that crap. I'd rather hang out with the guys! They have so much more fun! For me, hanging out with the women is TORTURE! And going to baby showers? Don't even get me started! I feel like how a guy would feel if he were forced to go to a baby shower: calm looking on the outside but screaming, "GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" on the inside! What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm sending this question in to several 'advice' sites because I really need as much advice on this matter as possible!

-- Dawn (webmiztris), Bumfuck Nowhere, PA

Dear Dawn:
So what's wrong with baby showers? Oops!

Dawn, there is nothing wrong with you, and not all women are boring to hangout with, unless you live out in bumfuck nowhere! It's time you broke this tradition of your husbands family! When the boys go out to play, spend at least half an hour with their wives before you tell them you have a birthday party to go to, need to cheer up an old friend, have to set-up some amps for a concert, need to beat the crap out of Brendan Fraser privately for standing-up your girlfriend! And once you're out of the house, do what you do best... party!

If your husband has a problem with this, make him attend a baby shower... Twice! I hope this helped!

Kw's: bore, boredom, dull, tiresome

Yahoo's Newly Redesigned Cluttered Homepage!

Dear Al:
What the hell was Yahoo thinking when they redesigned their homepage? Multiple links on their homepage leading to the same content, like the multiple links leading to a featured poker playing chimp? Yahoo's homepage was already cluttered with crap before the redesign, now it's cluttered with annoying scripts, like when your mouse rolls over the email link and opens up a window which first states "loading", then gives you some freakin message! I just want to check my God damn mail!

Yahoo, your new homepage is a freakin mess! Al, school them!
-- Janet, Colorado

Dear Janet:
Yahoo is a loss cause! All the schooling in the world can't help people who lack common sense. In their quest for the big bucks, what does Yahoo give users and advertisers to make up for their new cluttered homepage? A monkey! How sad is that?

Well at least one good thing is coming out of this, Mikey the chimp got featured! How many chimps can say that?

Bush, Blair, Endless Love Video Duet!

Tonya, thanks for writing again! I know that sometimes I come off harsh to some of my writers, but they had it coming! Um... I mean, I really enjoy helping people!

Anyway, I wish you the best Tonya! This video is going out to you, everyone who has written me, and all my blog friends/readers! Enjoy!

I'm gona see if I can find the complete version, if it exists.

My wife is a Ho!

Dear al:
My wife is a HO! Every weekend she goes out clubbing with her girlfriends, but I know she's window shopping! Last week I found a phone number on the floor by our jackets! Al, how can I get her to stay home with me, watch a movie, and cuddle? I have a small penis, but that can't be the problem, because I know how to use it!
-- Josh, North Carolina

Dear Josh:
Happy to hear that you're proficient with your pecker, but why do you want the world to know? Hoping your wife reads your message to remind her how good she has it at home? I'm not Dr. Ruth!

First you have to stop calling your wife a ho, even if she is. Then you need to get out, take your wife to dinner, dancing, drinking, do something crazy, but still let her hang out with her friends. You'll have plenty of time to cuddle when you come home wasted, plus your tiny penis might get some play! I hope this helped!

Answers To Your Questions

I like to thank everybody for their questions, and to everybody who thought about questioning me, but didn't! WTF!

Last asked "where in the world are you ? and dont give me half assed answers like north america. i want city, state, province, country, everything."
I'm in New York City, the Bronx, but I'm not telling you my street address! God dammit!

Monika asked "What TIME ZONE are you in?"
What do I look like, a watch? well, here you go! Tick,tick,tick,tick,tick...
Current UTC or GMT (Greenwich Mean Time): Monday 7/17/2006 9:24 am GMT
The Eastern Time Zone Is: GMT - 5h during Standard Time, GMT - 4h during Daylight Saving Time

Lori asked "What is your daily life like?"
Hectic, lori! My life is damn hectic! You wont believe how hectic it is!
Hey! Did I ever tell you my life is hectic? Well it is!

Beading asked "What do you like to eat for breakfast?"

The Dormitory Boys asked "Have you ever given advice that you regret?"
No! I'm Al Dammit! Every bit of advice has been carefully crafted to meet the needs of my writers, while bashing a few in the process. No one ever said that the truth doesn't hurt! I'm making up for their so called friends who are afraid to tell it like it is, or lack of friends due to shyness, picky, or just being a plain weirdo.

Jonathan asked "Have you ever thought about deleting a blogger from your blogroll because they didn't pay their respect?"
No, because maybe they're busy, or ignoring my blog since I haven't visited theirs in a while. Payback is a bitch!

Red Hot Sexy Papa asked "Do you think I should quit my job?"
I'm not sure what you do for a living, or why you would ask that question, but go ahead and quit! By following this advice means you agree not to sue me, or move in!

Chuck asked "Has anyone ever knock your teeth out like mines?"
No one has ever jacked my teeth up like yours! Freak!

Dawn asked "hey, al, what do you look like? I mean even Dear Abby posts her pic."
Hey! No one told Dear Abby to post her pic, but I'll tell you what I look like. I'm a mix between Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Johnny Depp, with a touch of Jack Black, but that doesn't mean I'm a lardass, alright!

Ask Me A Question!

That's right people! The moment you all been waiting for! Ask me a question in the comments below, it can be about anything! I'll post my answers sometime on Monday. Thanks for the idea, Beading!

My favorite color is forrest green, because it's so purty!

Looking forward to your questions!
Have a nice weekend!

Hey! I had to think of something since no one has written me for advice in a few days! I bet Dear Abby is behind this!
I thought she had Alzheimer's! WTF!

Trying To Love Thy Neighbor

Dear Al:
I don't know what else to do, I have these neighbors who always starting mess with me and my family. I try to ignore them, but they always trying to push the wrong button in me. They are always picking at me and my family for no reason at all. I am trying so hard to hold my temper with them. The Bible says; love thou enemies. This what I am trying so hard to do. what should I do about this? I refuse to allow them to win, and I won't leave my home.
-- Mr. Hate_drama, Mississippi

Dear Mr. Hate:
How are they picking on you and your family? What are they saying?
Is it because they're nuts, or does your front yard looks like shit?

Since you haven't given me enough info here, the only course of action I can recommend is to ignore them. Better yet, try to make peace! Talk to your neighbors, try to be helpful, invite them over for barbeques.
Love thou neighbors, and they will eventually love ya back, or think you're nuts!

I was a childhood friend of Ann Coulter

Dear AL:
I was a childhood friend of Ann Coulter when she had a different name, sex, and personality. I can't believe the monster he has become today!

He (Ann)... yes he was sweet, shy, and insecure, that a small group of children bullied him right up until the end of High School. He vowed to get even with everybody, just didn't think it would be the whole country looking the way he does now! I just can't see him in a dress!

Al, is there anyway to bring back the sweet boy I remember?
-- Anonymous Friend

Dear Anonymous:
You're joking, right? Well, Ann does have flippers for feet.

There's a point of no return, and Ann Coulter has crossed it, right after his sex change operation, so you say. What was his name before? Earl?

***Looking again*** OMG, those feet!

Anyway, anonymous, Earl is never coming back. Stop living in the past!

Update: For my readers who never heard of Ann Coulter, just check out these links:
Ann's Quotes: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Ann_Coulter
About Ann: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ann_Coulter

My Best Friend Is Not Taking My Calls

Dear Al:
i don't know what to do. my best friend of two years is not picking up my call because i stuffed up our meeting. again. but i have improved!

of course i can apologise and she will probably be happy and full-on buddies again...but, im feeling so tired of her. you know those sort of people who get cut-up even about lame things?

theres an end all feeling when shes mad at me..=(
-- Tired Friend, Sydney

Dear Tired Friend:
What do you mean you stuffed up the meeting? You invited too many people to the conference room so your friend had to sit out in the hall, or did you fart?

If you stuffed up meetings more than once, farting, whatever... I can understand her being upset if this is a regular occurrence of yours. If she's just too picky about everything, let her know how you feel, preferably outside so she wont suffocate! I hope this helped!

Comments closed on posts older than 2 weeks.

My Girlfriend Has Long Boobies

Dear Al:
My girlfriend has long boobies. I mean they're so long they reach her belly button! They never use to be that way, but they keep getting longer and longer!
I tried to talk her into getting a breast reduction and lift, but she doesn't want to do that. She's 19 years old with boobs of an 80 year old! Al, what is she doing wrong that is making her breasts stretch that long?
-- Karen, New Jersey

Dear Karen:
Your girlfriend is either ashamed or thinks it's proper to press them back, she's wearing the wrong bras, or has a connective tissue problem. Who knows... Maybe she likes them long.

Since they're stretched to the swinging point, she needs to visit a gynecologist to have them examined, who might recommend an operation to lift those babies so she can wear the proper bra, then seek psychiatric help to deal with her size if they're large. But if she's happy with the way she looks, leave her alone, unless her boobs keeps smacking you upside the head when she makes sudden turns.

Comments closed on posts older than 2 weeks.

England shouldn't have lost to Portugal!

Dear Al:
I can't believe this shit! England shouldn't have lost this soccer game today to Portugal! England should be advancing to the freakin ! Portugal has been playing dirty every single game, they should have been booted from the tournament a long time ago! This is bullshit!

I hate penalty shootouts!
-- Charles, England

Dear Crybaby:
You want your Wooby?

Take it like a man, you're embarrassing yourself!

Comments closed on posts older than 2 weeks.