A Letter to AL

Hey Al:
I've read this entire blog and found some of your replies rather callous. While you may have meant it as a joke, the person who approached you had serious intentions. How would you feel if your reply had made the matter worse for him/her?

I've read Dear Abby, too, and found that her replies seem somewhat gentler and more serious and the readers would probably take her advice with less resentment.

Al, you're a great writer but you really need to brush up on your attitude sometimes.

Please note that I still enjoy reading your column but I hold a more light hearted attitude towards it now.
-- Liz

Dear Liz:
After reading your email, I'm a changed man. NOT! :)

I understand where you're coming from, Liz, but this is my blog.
Writers know what they're getting into if they read previous posts.
It's not my fault if they don't do their research before submission.

I'm really not a bad guy. Ask Satan!

Thanks for writing!

They tell me my attitude sucks.

Dear AL:
I am so tired of my life. There are just so many bitches around me who purposefully hurt me by spreading fake rumors about me to others. The really horrible thing is that other people actually believe them.

Al, I have to see these people on a regular basis, and I feel horrible when I have to interact with them. They always find some way to exclude me. Just last week, they refused to share a taxi with me to get to someplace, and I ended up having to get a cab by myself while they left in groups, chattering happily.

Also, when I get so tired of them I finally snap, they tell me my attitude sucks. Al, they are the ones who started it, and I am merely retaliating. Please give advice and don't be sarcarstic!(: Thank you.
-- Jazzy

Dear Jazzy:
No you didn't! Don't tell me what to do, you... you... you... &*+%#!

Ok, about your problem :) Why are you hanging out with bitches? If they're talking shit about you behind your back, excluding you, then telling you that you have an attitude problem, it's your fault because you're still hanging out with them. On the other hand, are you the type that can't take a joke? Maybe the reason why they exclude you is because they hate being careful about what they say around you, knowing they might hurt your feelings.

You have a choice, either stop hurting yourself by hanging out with them, or try to accept them so they would accept you, but if you're a dude, give these girls their space!

I've tried, but couldn't find a car crowded with females, alright!

Birthday coming up, but no circle of friends

Hey AL:
I feel sorry for myself about not having a circle of friends to celebrate my birthday with. I have friends, but on an individual basis. Now my 19th birthday is coming.. and I dont know how celebrate it... or if I should...
-- No CIRCLE of friends, Australia

Dear Anonymous:
***Violin playing***

Not everyone has to party like Paris Hilton, just hangout with one of your friends. But if you're looking for your very own posse, go swimming with some dolphins.

It's better to have one good friend than a whole bunch of posers.
You're gona be ok.

Happy Birthday!

***Ending Composition***
***Breaking violin on Chuck's head***

Falling in love, but life sucks!

Dear AL:
I've been reading your blog for quite a long while now and it sometimes makes my day to read the funny, crazy advice you dish. (but it also warms my heart!)

I think I'm falling in love with my college professor. I don't know what to do, I've tried to shelve this feeling for so long now, but it still doesn't go away. I do not dare tell it to anybody because I know they are going to frown at me and disapprove. What should I do?

Life sux too, because everything is so stiff and horrible around here. I can't express myself, can't laugh, can't really be who I am, and who I want to be. Oh Al, I feel so down just thinking about this "confinement" I'm in, where the people around me limit me because my thinking differs from theirs and I am unable to voice out my thoughts and opinions. They want me to be who they expect me to be. :(
-- Alexandra, Asia

Dear Alexandra:
Fuck 'em! Not your friends, your teacher. But if he's that dude above, you have problems.

Ok, seriously, you're probably not the only one who has fallen in love with your professor, and the last thing you need is someone finding out, specially the others who are also interested in him. They will announce this revelation to the world out of jealousy, guaranteed, to ruin your reputation. One sure fire way to get him off your mind, talk shit about the others.

If you're not comfortable where your at, move. Some people would just say fuck those assholes, just be yourself... but I know how it is when people already see you in one way, they wont change their way of thinking no matter how many times you show them different.

Move... It's beats kicking them in the balls.

Wha da diforinse batween StudiVZ an Facebook?

Dear AL:
Im ah farmor in Kazakhstan, butt I wood like to hab ah presents on da internets.
I wah tinking eeber joyning StudiVZ or Facebook, butt Im knot ah students or evor gointa be ah students. So witch one shood ah joyn? Wha da diforinse batween StudiVZ an Facebook?
Im knot ah students, okay.
-- Nobat, Kazakhstan

Dear Nobat:
Meh tink you donut hab a chants to joyn StudiVZ or Facebook becorse you knot ah students or evor gointa beh ah students, okay.
Geht yor arse bak in da feelds!

Technorati: Studivz, Zune, Myspace, Second Life

My name is Charlie, and I'm an alcoholic.

Dear AL:
My name is Charlie, and I'm an alcoholic. I'm a 28 year old woman, who use to be a man. I'm not sure what caused me to drink, peer pressure, my sex change operation, but I've been sober for over 4 months, and I never been happier in my life.

I'm mean seriously, I don't miss drinking. I thank God everyday for Alcoholics Anonymous, because of them I'm free of this disease.
-- Charlie, Reston, Virginia

Yo Charlie:
Wrong site, dude... Wrong site.

It's obvious you're scared that you might start drinking again since you wrote me, but it sounds like you're doing great because of your desire to quit. You're gona be ok!

Technorati: Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, Boing Boing

My boyfriends mom is such a pain!

Dear AL:
Me and my boyfriend can never be left in piece. His Mom is always in our hair! She bitches about everything, the way we're dressed, us playing loud music, and my boyfriends bedroom. What is it to her that his room is a little messy? It's not like it smells or something, just a few things here and there. You understand, right?

My boyfriends mom is such a pain! No way we're gona change!
-- Chrissy, Heidelberg, Germany

Dear Chrissy:
You go with your bad selves!

I'm throwing in the towel! Life sucks!

Dear AL:
I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I just feel like life is not worth living anymore. Everything seems to be going wrong.
My boyfriend broke up with me, my family hates me, my only friend moved away, I lost my job, and now I'm gona lose my home because I can't pay the rent! I don't want to move back home because my parents are alcoholics, and my step dad touches me!
I've have depression for a few years now, and I can't bare any of this anymore. I'm throwing in the towel! Life sucks!

Al, before I go, can you make me laugh? I haven't done that in a long time. Just please no advice.

I'm still waiting on your blog.
-- Kate, Baton Rouge, LA

Dear Kate:
I know how you feel, and I'm gona try to decribe what I went through as humorous as I possibly can. No refund if it sucks, Alright!

I was... ah... one time... um... at band camp...

Never thought I would ever be lost for words.
Kate, you ruined my groove! Rot in hell!

He Accused Me Of Leading Him On

Dear AL:
Right, in a nutshell: Why do I only attract either weirdos or chauvanistic arseholes when I'm out fer a drink, minding me own business? After an hour of singing along to the live band in the bar, me and me mate were getting ready to leave. This blokey next to us keeps blagging the lighter fer his fags. I tell him just to buy one when he gets his fags ~ and then realise he's cadgin fags of everyone else anyway, so he probably never buys his own. Anyway, he ends up chatting to me and we end up dancing and shouting along to the music, like. Oasis, as I remember. First base reached and sorted, he then says a variation on the "get yer coat, love, you've pulled" theme. I'm incensed. I ask him why a 10 min tonsil hockey match, no drinks and him blagging all me fags means I'll automatically go home wi him and sleep wi him? Excuse me, I do have standards. He accuses me of leading him on. I accuse him of being a smarmy, possible serial-killer typical pissed ex-pat businessman C-word, and tell he has a lot to learn about modern girls. I leave wi me mate, and we catch the bust back to me flat, where I steam about his arrogant assumptions fer about three days. I'm better now. But I must have 'arrogant twats try me' written on me forehead. That and 'nuts welcomed', and not in the Biblical sense, neither.

Can you tell me where I'm going wrong? Tell me it's not me, it's him. Please.
Peach and lube,
-- Soupdragon, Hong Kong, http://soup-dragon.blogspot.com

Dear Soup:
Maybe he liked the way you called his and your friends fags, so he knew you had to be straight.

Most guys will get the wrong impression if you start talking to them first, followed by dancing, and meeting your friends... I mean fags. It's not your fault, just watch a person next time to make sure he's not an asshole before you start a conversation.

Oh yeah... On our side of the planet we don't call our friends fags, specially if they're gay. Hope this helped!

Everyone makes mistakes, even Wee Shu Min

Dear AL:
Not long ago I made the mistake of speaking my mind. I told some old guy to stop bitching, leeching off our government resources, and to basically get off his ass. Now everybody from Singapore to around the world hates my guts.

Al, I'm really a nice person. Is their anyway I can make people see that I'm not the bitch they think I am? Everyone makes mistakes!
-- Wee Shu Min, Singapore

Dear Bitch... I mean Wee Shu Min:
I read what you wrote to him on Wikipedia, genius. You're so fucked!

I also believe people should do more to help themselves, but when a person is down on their luck, you don't step on them! How can a person learn a new profession or start a business when they're dirt poor? Can you answer that sherlock?

If you want everyone to get off your back, reopen your blog and post a video apology. Your a big girl with tough words, right? Don't turn chicken shit now!

Wee Shu Min, if you didn't write me, you're still a bitch. Have a nice day!

Technorati: Wee Shu Min

They have the same perky lips as Ted Haggard!

Dear AL:
I'm so confused! I thought Ted Haggard was straight! He told us about the sins of gays, and he was one himself! We was led by a closet gay, which is very troubling to me.

I think some of my evangelical brothers are gay to! They have the same perky lips as Ted Haggard! Yesterday one of them wanted to tell me a secret, but I punched him in the face because I was afraid he was gona kiss me! Maybe he wanted to tell me he was straight!

Al, I shook Ted's hand one time, it's giving me nightmares!
-- Charlie, Pensacola, Florida

Yo Charlie:
You know you liked it! Come on, admit it!

Look, Ted is gay, and maybe some of your friends, and possibly you. Scared? Is that the reason why you snubbed President Bush when he came down to Florida to support your ass, Mr. Crist? Oops!

There is nothing wrong about being gay, unless your a hypocrite "Ted Haggard". You have nothing to worry about if you keep your nose clean, and your ass.

His Shoplifting Is Too Much!

Dear AL:
I'm married to the most wonderful man on the planet who is a compulsive shoplifter. Everytime we go shopping he has to steal something, usually gum or a candy bar. Yesterday he went big time and shoplifted a salami. A freakin' Salami! When we got into our car he laughed and said "look at this" while unzipping his fly. I yelled at him to wait till we're home, but he said "this can't wait", and pulled out a salami! At first it was funny until he pulled out a pack of beef jerky, and then I lost it! Al, I love my husband, but his shoplifting is too much! How can I make him stop?
-- Anne, UK

Dear Anne:
Did you eat the salami?

***Get your minds out of the gutter, people!***

Anne, I'm sure you talked with your husband about his problem, but this time you really need to put your foot down. Your husband might be suffering from a psychological disorder like depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, Bi-Polar disorder, impulse control disorder, or maybe he's just a plain dumbass. I suggest you give him a choice to either seek professional help or divorce.

He'll never make it past the casheir with a roast beef down his pants. Think about that!