His Shoplifting Is Too Much!

Dear AL:
I'm married to the most wonderful man on the planet who is a compulsive shoplifter. Everytime we go shopping he has to steal something, usually gum or a candy bar. Yesterday he went big time and shoplifted a salami. A freakin' Salami! When we got into our car he laughed and said "look at this" while unzipping his fly. I yelled at him to wait till we're home, but he said "this can't wait", and pulled out a salami! At first it was funny until he pulled out a pack of beef jerky, and then I lost it! Al, I love my husband, but his shoplifting is too much! How can I make him stop?
-- Anne, UK

Dear Anne:
Did you eat the salami?

***Get your minds out of the gutter, people!***

Anne, I'm sure you talked with your husband about his problem, but this time you really need to put your foot down. Your husband might be suffering from a psychological disorder like depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, Bi-Polar disorder, impulse control disorder, or maybe he's just a plain dumbass. I suggest you give him a choice to either seek professional help or divorce.

He'll never make it past the casheir with a roast beef down his pants. Think about that!

12 comments:

Webmiztris said...

ewww! I hope no small children saw him walking around with a freakin salami in his pants!!

b o o said...

kleptomaniacs need help & food goes bad real fast in pants. trust me.

Chuck said...

Would the meat still be Kosher after that?

Hey! I'm straight! No way in hell would I eat that salami, even if I was a Jew!

Vengelyne said...

Wow, a salami in his pants. I think even if the store keepers saw it, they'd have kept quiet. Some things come in big packages. =P

ramblings said...

That is just Hilarious!

Hey Al!!!

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

oh yes you would chuck. youd be beggin for it.

Mr. Universe said...

Chuck, are you in denial? It's ok if you like salami.

Paul F. said...

I'll bet very few people can pull off the roast beef caper!

Rose said...

Maybe he took the salami to make up for small parts.

Dayngr said...

Sometimes a little salami can be good for the soul. I miss you AL! Come over and see me sometime.

The Stiltwalker said...

LOL. He's a clepto or an extreme retard. Either way she needs to help him get a grip or get the hell on.

Rose said...

Al doesn't go see anyone. LOL