Clueless About My Boyfriend's Behaviour

Dear Al:
I'm really clueless about my boyfriend's behaviour, it took him about a month to kiss me for the first time, then we "tried" to have sex a month later after that, but it didn't turn out very well, so I suggested we needed more practice together...we still haven't done it ever since, and it's been a year since we started dating!!!(that's almost 9 month without sex, in case you were doing the math)
I'm in need for a guy's opinion, doesn't he like me? then why is he still with me? how can I take him to bed (without sounding too desperate)?
I'll be waiting for your advice, so please, PLEASE, answer to my message, I do need help!
-- clueless girl, Spain

Dear Clueless:
He likes you like a buddy, that's why he's still with you. The best way to get him in the sack is to have your best friend (Chuck, whomever) sleep over, but don't take sloppy seconds!

Seriously, maybe he has a complex, or he's a closet case, unsure of his sexuality. You two have to talk, and don't take no for an answer. Don't ask him if he's gay, that's a sure deal breaker if he's not! Let him spill his guts, but if he doesn't want to talk, move along. You're wasting your time!

Comments closed on posts older than 2 weeks.

How Can I Get His Attention Again?

Dear Al:
I'm crazy about a blogger, but I don't think he's crazy about me after our last chat. I said something I shouldn't have "I'll bear your babies!", but I was just kidding, kinda. Al, how can I get his attention again? Should I let him see me via webcam, even if he doesn't have his own? Should I give him my phone number like he's been asking? I really don't want to loose him, we've been chatting online for two months!
-- Nicole, Louisiana

Dear Nicole:
Mr. wonderful is playing ya! The reason why he's giving you the cold shoulder is to trick you into giving into his demands. This guy could be a nut looking to try out his new knife set, soil some oats, or copy your image via webcam to post on his alternate blog "Girl's I've Tricked Into Giving Me Their Phone Numbers, And Webcamming Before"

Ignore him! life is too short to be playing games with your life!

Comments closed on posts older than 2 weeks.

Getting Married In 20 Minutes!

Dear Al:
In about 20 minutes I'm getting married, but I'm so nerves! Nobody from my family is gona be at our wedding since my fiancee told them not to come, but that's because she said that her parents didn't have enough money for the party afterwards since they already arranged it for 500 of her family. Everything is going according to my future bride's plans, and the suit she brought for me looks great, but something doesn't feel right! I don't want to be nerves at the alter of our wedding, she'll kill me!

Al, I would really appreciate some last minute advice, but please make it short! Thanks!
-- Dominic, El Paso, Texas

Dear Dominic:

Comments closed on posts older than 2 weeks.

Tell Me Pope Benedict's Life Is Happening!

Dear Al:
I'm obsessed with Pope Benedict XVI!
Since Benedict became Pope, I've researched everything about him, from his glory days as a Brown Shirt, up until his Popeness. What's troubling me is I think he's bored, since he's surrounded by other boring people, probably counting the cracks on his walls!

Al, please tell me that Pope Benedict's life is happening! I hate to think of his Holiness bored out of his mind!
-- Joe Schmo, Kansas City

Dear Joe:
No way is Pope Benedict's life boring, he's a free wheeling dude!
Besides traveling all over the world, and reading his latest favorite "The Da Vinci Code", he has a personal library of DVD movies to choose from!

Comments closed on posts older than 2 weeks.

Can U Suggest Some Cool Summer Jobs?

dearest al:
as a first year uni student with friday and weeknds off, can u suggest some cool jobs for me to get soem cash? im probably majoring accounting, but only experienced in bakery shop. what should i work as?!
so many to choose frm! soemthing fun for 18yr old me? or career-wise? =i
laborous, un-career relevant but easier to get jobs like...brand takeaways? checkout chic? or hava crack at database enrty, market call-surveying -_- (frustating)

hope u find me a job thats not min. wage, meets ppl =) and not daggy.
-- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:
At first I was gona recommend some customer service positions, but then I remembered that almost all are outsourced to India. Don't you hate that?

In fields like retail and hospitality, employers are often very interested in hiring teens. There are alot of great outdoor jobs like working at a park, beach, or summer camp. How about a job at a hospital, zoo, or at a museum? You could also tutor English over the weekends! How cool is that?

Let your friends, family, teachers know that you're looking for a job.
You might find a weekend or summer job this way through referrals. For more info about finding a job check out "Teen Jobs" and "Teen Job Search Tips" at I hope this helped! Good luck!

Looking For A Better Dirty Half!

Darling Dearest Al:
I'm 21. I feel like my biological clock is telling me that it's time to start seriously looking for a "better half". The problem is, the girls in my immediate social circle are not at all interesting to me. I'm at a Theological school you see, and most of the girls are BORING.

Now, I myself am a fairly devout Christian, and hope to find a Christian girl... but not too nice, if you take my meaning. Really, they are boring and cheesy here. I want a girl that can be just a touch rude and nasty with me. I don't know if they're repressed from an overly conservative up-bringing or if they were born that way, but man... anyway, it's rough. I'm praying that God will send a dirty girl my way soon.

Don't actually know what my problem is, but you seem like a helpful guy.
-- ninjaaron,

Dear ninjaaron:
I bet there are a few closet cases at your school who seem to be boring, but are in need of a freak like you! Look for strategically placed piercings, tongues, eyebrows, bottom lips, but steer clear of the pierced cheeks! Second, every school has their share of day dreamers, be on the look at for these space cadets! And Last, a sure sign of the dirtiest of dirty girls are the ones that stink. She'll rock your world, that's if you don't faint from lack of fresh air! I hope this helped!

How To Show An Icon Next To Your Blogs URL In The Address Bar!

Dear Al:
I have a problem. I am jealous. How did you get the little picture up by your url of your blog? I want a picture by mine when some clicks on my blog.

Thanks! -- Linda,

Dear Linda:
I said hockus pockus, and like magic, it appeared! Weird huh?

What I did was create an jpeg icon about 16x16 , then I uploaded the jpeg icon to a new post, and copied it's URL: You don't have to publish the post, because once you upload an image, it's in your blogger account if you use it or not.

I then pasted my jpeg icons URL into this code:
<link rel="shortcut icon" href="" />

then I added the code to my blogs template underneath the <head> tag

Published the template, and that's it!

Note: Readers can't see the icon next to the URL in the address bar if they're using the Internet Explorer. So far I know it works for Firefox, but you might be able to see the icon if you also use Opera, or Safari, but I'm not sure.

I Am A Not So Socialable Girl.

Dear Al:
I don't get along well with some of my classmates. I recently moved to the States in hopes of achieving my dream but I can't seem to make any good friends prior my journey in studies. I have tried to be more social with them as well as talking to them and I have tried to be their friend but they just won't accept me on a whole. Is it my personality? Is it the way I carry myself in front of them? Is there any way of knowing what they really want from me or expect from me? Why is it so hard for me to be accepted into any social groups! Do you have any suggestions on how I can make friends who will accept and like me for who I am?

Thank you for your time and I look forward to what advice you got for me. =) Thank you!
-- Flustered, USA

Dear Flustered:
Make yourself socialable, drink heavy!

A previous writer had a similar problem, hopefully she followed my advice and not wasting away with work, or watching reruns of Star Trek! Like I told her, get involved with school and community activities, sports, and special interest activities.

Good luck, Flustered! I was kidding about drinking.

Coming in like El Niño! by Jeremy Lavine

Dear Al:
Your apology made me feel all warm inside, like a fire burning, or heartburn. Anyway, I'm writing to you because I need some advice.
I wrote this essay called "Coming in like El Niño" not long ago, and I was wondering if I could use the same essay in another class I'm taking now, or do I have to write a new one like coming in like a hurricane?

So what do you think, Al?
Looking forward to your advice!
-- Jeremy Lavine,

Dear Jeremy:
I bet you don't have any Spanish friends, am I right?

I think you should write a new essay like "Coming in like an asteroid!", because it also kills people and burns down trees! Think about it!

Kw's: essays, Lightning, author, observation, prose, writing, writer

I'm sorry, Confused Gurl!

I created my blog to help people out with their problems, not to slam them for their grammar and spelling. Even I, Al the great, makes mistakes every once in a while.

Here are a few that some of my readers caught:

Chuck, the toothless one, pointed out my mispelling of the word available. I spelled it availbale by mistake due to typing too fast! You believe me right?

Anonymous discovered this mistake "Talk to the dumbass, let her know how you feel, but if she doesn't changed, dump the moron!" That mistake happened because I changed the sentence, forgeting to correct the spelling to change to coincide with the new sentence. I'm serious people!

Dawn (aka Webmiztris) thought I was making fun of the Dormitory Boys 'was' instead of 'were' usage in a sentence I wrote to them, when it was really an honest mistake. I played it off like I was just kidding around, when I wasn't. I know... I'm bad!

Anyway, I wont be critizing anyone for mistakes in their writing anymore, unless it's confusing.

Once again, Confused Gurl, I'm sorry! So, are you still hanging out with that moron?

I'm Totally Confused!

Dear Al:
I'm totally confused and i need some advice.My close friend since 7.She can actually be a great friend at times.But when she's bad; She is REALLY BAD.I don't even know whether i regard her as a friend now.She mostly gossips about people(including me)and insult them even in front of their faces.She will also be very jealous of friends that either have a new boyfriend or other etc,and she will do whatever it takes just to have one,and when she does,she will start to show it off to everyone else,but if she did not get what she wanted,she will start critisising it.This really frustrates me.She is being such a spoiled brat!

Now,I still like her as a friend,but i also hate her at the same time.I don't know whether i should tell her what bitchy things she have done .
--Confused Gurl

Dear Confused Gurl:
Has anyone ever told you that your grammar sucks? The letter I is always capitalized, there should be a space after a comma and between sentences, but not a space before the period of the last freakin sentence! Dammit!

Look, you're the second person who wrote me that you're friends with an idiot? WTF is wrong with you people? Talk to the dumbass, let her know how you feel, but if she doesn't change, dump the moron! Simple! Easy! Now go do it!

And one more thing, critisising is spelled criticizing! Ever heard of Spell Check? USE IT!

I hope this helped!

What's it Gonna Be?

Dear Al:
Lately, since I haven't been having any luck with men, I've been getting drunk at the local bar. Where the hell are all the good guys? And I mean, GOOD GUYS!

Shit! I need to get laid!
-- Chrissie, Philadelphia, PA

Dear Chrissie:
Keep going to that bar, I'm sure you'll get lucky. Maybe with this gentlemen below!

See you all Monday!

Complaint About America's Youth.

Dear AL:
This isn't so much a problem for which I am seeking advice as it is a complaint about America's youth. I'm talking about the poor use of the English language and especially the misuse of the word random.

You can't tell me you haven't noticed. One of the most popular phrases today is "That's so random!" Every time I hear it, I want to BLEEP that stupid 14 year old girl into a BLEEP with a dictionary. When one's friend says something such as, "I love chocolate pudding" in the middle of a conversation about red shift / blue shift theories, that is not random. This friend intentionally chose to proclaim his love for chocolate pudding, for whatever reason, thus denouncing it from being random at all. The same goes for anything that's crazy or off-the-wall. It may be crazy, or it may be off-the-wall, but it certainly is not random if the person meant to say it. The lottery is random. The 50/50 lifeline on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire is random.

My question to you, AL, is what do you say I should do to help out my community and my peers in getting rid of the abuse that this word is recieving?
-- Reagen,

Dear Reagen:
Once MTV's Real World and Jackass is embedded in their heads, there is no changing them! I recommend you buy a good set of earplugs.

I bet you didn't figure I would be so Random!

I'm Very Unhappy

Dear Al:
I live in the shadows of my friend, and I mean it literally.It's not that she's bad or anything but the problem is that everything seems to revolve around her.Every guy(not all just the one i really cared about) I had the slightest feeling towards is interested in her and when I mean every guy, I meant it.Between the two and a half years of knowing her, I have had a total of two male friends whom I am fond of after her, but here's the catch, she's already off the market.
-- Shadow, M'sia

Dear Shadow:
These guys don't want you more than a friend, and you know this.
Are you nuts?

Stay friends with them, but don't waste your time, they're off the market! I hope this helped!

Burger King Is Slow As Hell!

Dear Al:
I have a problem with the local Burger King, they're slow as hell! I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the lack of employees, or the two fat cows that are preparing the meals in the back! One girl is about 200 pounds, and the other girl is as heavy as a Mack truck! They can barely maneuver in the kitchen, and one time they pinned each other, that they had to use the Jaws of Life to free them! I'm not freakin kidding!

Either these girls are eating them out of business, or their roads blocks in the kitchen are slowing them down! Al, what should I do?
-- Extremely Frustrated, California

Dear Extremely Frustrated:
Stop going there, genius!

I bet your ASS is wider than those two girls put together!

Dear Tonya:

When I first saw your post, it gave me a heart attack! Damn that was a long message! But I'm doing fine now at the recovery station at Saint John's Hospital. George Clooney said I'm gona live!

Look, there is so much you can do to help yourself! Find something, a hobby, and concentrate on that, whatever it might be!

I have a friend who is dying of cancer, but she's not giving up, and she's the most happiest person on the planet that I know. I know it sounds hard to believe, and I'm not sure how I would react if I was in her shoes, but I know I wont take my life.

Please, there is so many people in the world going through hard times, but they are making it!

I grew up in the worse part of New York City, I had nothing! I wore the same clothes everyday to school, looked like a bum, got into alot of fights, mostly defending myself, had hardly anything to eat, and lived in a small apartment with my 6 brothers and sisters. It was a mad house! I'm not making this up!

Imagine sharing a bed with a younger brother who's feet stinked like Gods knows what! He didn't want to put his socks in the laundry because he was afraid he would never get them back!

We was lucky to get one meal a day, which wasn't that much. It was always a mad dash to the kitchen in the morning to eat whatever was in the frigerator, because we didn't know if there was gona be anything to eat later.

With all the crap I've been through in my life, I'm still here, living better than before. Tonya, things will get better, you just have to hang in there!

Hope you don't mind that I didn't repost your message here. If you need to get more off your chest, please write me again!

Take care of yourself!

***ATTENTION PEOPLE*** From here on out, Tonya and my blog friends are the only people allowed to write long messages to me!
The rest of you can ROT!

Just kidding about the rotting part, but not the link!

Keep It Short, People!

Due to the chapters from novels I've been recieving asking for advice, I'm laying down some new ground rules!

From this day forward, if you write me a novel, you will be ignored! Seek a freakin publisher!

Keep it short, people! Dammit!

still exist you know!

Look over my archives to see if I already answered a similar problem, or if I already answered you! Sheesh!

Pickled Situations

smallest dill pickleDear Al:
I'm from Paris and go to high school. Last time, i started all over again with a friend. Since i confessed his love to me, i didn't use to talk to him. But recently, he sent me text message every day even if he isn't my boyfriend. I used to be happy when i see that i receive a message but now that make me angry. I'm tired of him. Yesterday, i rejected him a little but i had mood swings and i was in a bad mood. I don't want him to be sad because he has got problems with his parents, our teachers and lots more. He isn't lucky and very shy. I'm the kind of girl who is direct and goes straight right. I dislike saying what people want to hear. I prefer being like that since that cause me problems with an ex. I like him as a friend but no more. Shall i tell him the true that he makes me suffocate ? or do like nothings happen and smile normaly ? [what i use to do, and try to forget]
I have another question since i'm here ! Is it wrong to not going out with my classmate ?
There's a guy who used to make me laught, annoy me and put his arm around my waist. I know that i'm attractive but today he shows me his penis. I don't know what to do, i just smile and don't watch. All his friends were in stitches. My friends didn't know about that, i only tell my brother about that...
Sorry i used to tell everyone i meet all my life or when i have the opportunity ^^

PS : i apologize if i made mistake. My english isn't very good, i have to improve it -_-' I do my best ! \(^o^)/ Bye
-- Anne, Paris, France

Dear Anne:
You confessed his love for you? You just couldn't wait to write him off! Poor guy!

Seriously, just tell him how he makes you feel, but don't speak for him. The man has a mouth... let him use it!

Is the guy who asked you out the same guy who showed you his pickle? Why would you want to go out with him? I suggest you ignore the guy, and his pickle. Pretend he doesn't exist! But if he continues to harass you, tell your parents, and your teachers! Mr. pickle is gona learn one way or another! I hope this helped!

Tell Me Pope Bendict's Life Isn't Boring!

Dear Al:
I'm obsessed with Pope Benedict XVI!
Since Benedict became Pope, I've researched everything about him, from his glory days as a Brown Shirt, up until his Popeness. What's troubling me is I think he's bored, since he's surrounded by other boring people, probably counting the cracks on his walls!

Al, please tell me that Pope Benedict's life is happening! I hate to think of his Holiness bored out of his mind!
-- Joe Schmo, Kansas City

Dear Joe:
No way is Pope Benedict's life boring, he's a free wheeling dude!
Besides traveling all over the world, and reading his latest favorite "The Da Vinci Code", he has a personal library of DVD movies to choose from!

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Tell Me Pope Benedict's Life Isn't Boring!

Dear Al:
I'm obsessed with Pope Benedict XVI!
Since Benedict became Pope, I've researched everything about him, from his glory days as a Brown Shirt, up until his Popeness. What's troubling me is I think he's bored, since he's surrounded by other boring people, probably counting the cracks on his walls!

Al, please tell me that Pope Benedict's life is happening! I hate to think of his Holiness bored out of his mind!
-- Joe Schmo, Kansas City

Dear Joe:
No way is Pope Benedict's life boring, he's a free wheeling dude!
Besides traveling all over the world, and reading his latest favorite "The Da Vinci Code", he has a personal library of DVD movies to choose from!

13 comments / post a comment
Have a problem? Write Dear AL!

Photobucket To The Rescue!

Photobucket - Video and image hosting
Dear Al:
For the last couple of days, you know... I've been trying to upload photos to my radically bodacious blog on Blogger, but for some reason it's not working! I see you had the problem with the post before, but now it has a photo, which is so rad!

Is Blogger dissing me, throwing me the salami, or am I making a mistake on my end? I would really really love to add a photo of me and my girlfriend that we took at this hotel! Schwing!

I'm not providing a link to my blog since my girlfriend said she'll kill me if anybody sees her nude photos I posted before, and the naked one of her Mom. Don't ask!

Looking forward to your totally awesome response, oh great one!
-- Wayne, Aurora, Illinois

Dear Wayne:
You know, some bug has been givin alot of Bloggers this problem with not being able to upload photos to Blogger the last couple of days, which is totally uncool! When I first discovered this problem when I tried to upload a photo, I was like... Ex-squeeze me... A-sphincter-says-what?!

Anyway, one way to get around this problem, use a reliable image host like Photobucket. Through Photobucket, you can directly post an entry with an image to your Blog on Blogger, or whatever free blogging service you're using. In Photobucket, click on Blog Options on the top right corner of your screen, then follow these instructions:

From then on there will be a Blog button above all images you upload to Photobucket, and a Blog'em button on the lower left corner of your screen to post an entry with multiple images that you choose.
I hope this helped!

UPDATE: Sorry Wayne, but Photobucket doesn't allow pornography! You're shit out of luck!

Feeling So Conflicted!

a to da zDear Al:
You seem like a decent guy, and I would just like a little bit of advice about a friend of mine.

Y'see, I had a friend who'll I'll call Z. The problem is, though she was my friend, she was always so needy, clingy, and darn right insulting to me and about my friends (when in my opinion she had no reason to be like that over herslef or others), yet I was fine with her as I rarely saw her and sometimes she could be fun(plus we had similar music tastes). She seemed to like me, and used me to as a earpiece.

However, I've recently gone to university and have escaped her influence. While there I have also got myself a boyfriend who I think the world of. However, M has decided to generally be insulting to me over email about me ('I've changed' as I don't have enough time to listen to her problems all evening) and my boyfriend-a lad she has never met. It came to a head when I stuck up for another friend and she said that I was generally disaggreeing with her too much in a matter of speaking with a few more swear words. After all I have done for her, I stopped speaking to her.

The problem is, as a friend I miss her. She could be funny and I keep on replaying the arguement in my head as there was so much I wish I had told her about how fustrated she made me and how she wound me up with her continual whining.

You must think I'm an idiot for putting up with someone like that for so long. To be honest, I think I am, but that is largely due to being as tolerant with people as physically possible. I just hate the idea of people not liking me or falling out with me.

All I would like to know is; did I do the right thing stopping myself from talking to this friend, and how can I stop feeling so conflicted over Z?

Ta, Al!
-- X

Dear X:
Is M also Z? I'm lost on the second paragraph!

If this problem with your friend is troubling you, give her a call and try to patch things up, but that doesn't mean to kiss her ass! She either has to accept you having other friends or accept not having you as a friend, and if she has nothing else to talk about other than problems 24-7, she needs to seek a psychiatrist. Friends can disagree and still be friends, but if she can't handle that... drop this fruit cake!

Z will grow up one day, but until then hang out with the rest of the alphabet!