I'm hung like a horse, but girls run away!

Dear AL:
I am hung like a horse, but when the girls see it, they run away. What do I do?
--Hung, Florida

Yo Hung:
Wait for Mrs. Right. A girl who believes you wont pound her to death like a dumbass, but take it slow with lots of foreplay, using tons of lubricant. If a woman can give birth to a baby, then your size shouldn't be a problem.

Tell her you're in no rush... you're willing to wait until she's use to your size, that's if she's still in the room. I hope this helped!

Kw's: personal problem, micropenis, dreamer, delusional

Husband wants to kill pigs to avoid Swine Flu!

Dear AL:
For the last few days I've been protecting our pigs from my husband. He has obsessive–compulsive disorder, which I thought he had under control, that's until I caught him walking to our barn with a 5 gallon can of gas. When I asked him from the window what he's doing, he said coolly that he's going to kill our pigs. I then yelled stop, ran out to him while he was shouting back "Swine flu! Swine flu!" I tried to explain to him that it was just a name like chickenpox, but he kept telling me "How do I know? Why would they name it Swine flu?" He then tried a couple of more times to burn the barn, so I now park my truck against it to prevent him.

Al, what can I say to convince him that our pigs wont make us sick?
-- Samantha, Texas

Dear Sam:
Your husband is a pig farmer with obsessive-compulsive disorder? Now I've heard everything! Sounds like he might be suffering from another neurological disorder. A result of his lifestyle. Most sufferers of OCD try to hide their compulsive behaviors, and in his case he tried to make it seem like he had it under control while all along he might have been going through tremendous stress. No talking will prevent him from roasting your hogs, so I recommend he sees a professional and maybe a career change. Good luck!

Kw's: health, influenza, A virus subtype H1N1, influenzavirus