Showing posts with label personal problems. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal problems. Show all posts

I'm hung like a horse, but girls run away!

Dear AL:
I am hung like a horse, but when the girls see it, they run away. What do I do?
--Hung, Florida

Yo Hung:
Wait for Mrs. Right. A girl who believes you wont pound her to death like a dumbass, but take it slow with lots of foreplay, using tons of lubricant. If a woman can give birth to a baby, then your size shouldn't be a problem.

Tell her you're in no rush... you're willing to wait until she's use to your size, that's if she's still in the room. I hope this helped!

Kw's: personal problem, micropenis, dreamer, delusional

Visual Basic is unstandardized crap for a reason

Dear AL:
I have to get this off my chest. I've been using Microsoft Visual Basic for years, but no more! Their latest version, Visual Basic 6 .NET produces slow applications, wont upgrade programs written in previous versions, and software written with it becomes inoperable when you update to the latest Windows version, or the latest Internet Explorer.

The reason being why Visual Basic wont ever become standardized is because Microsoft wont be able to sell new versions of Windows if it has to stay compatible with previous versions of this software. Microsoft can't make money with Windows updates, so they create new Windows versions from scratch, not caring if it's compatible with anything written for previous versions.

God I'm so mad! Visual Basic was my livelihood, but now my coding is obsolete! I don't have the time to learn the new version! F--k!
-- Bhargyaraj, India

Yo Bhargyaraj:
I guess no one will be outsourcing jobs to you anytime soon.

Funny, your name means Lord of Luck in India. Buddha must've been kidding.

I want to be the first



Dear AL:
My girlfriend just has a record of leaving all her ex-boyfriends hanging, not actually breaking up with them. I want to be the first because I know she isn't in to me any more and I know that breaking up would just kill her. I really don't want that. HELP!!!
-- dyvius, Colorado

Yo Dyvius:
You want to be the first what? Lay?

How can you be the first of anything if she's not into you? Move on dude. Masturbate. She'll be alright, believe me.

I just want to go to school

Hey AL:
Last week I got suspended because of my pants. I'm one of the smartest kids in class, but these fools attacked me anyway with this sagging pants law, and it hasn't even been approved by the House of Representatives. I wear long shirts, so no one sees my underwear, plus my style saves time when I go to the toilet. :)

Al, I'm not a trouble maker. I just want to go to school without worrying about how I'm dressed.
-- Lamont, Florida

Yo Lamont:
Pull your drawers up and you'll be ok.

Yeah, it's a stupid law, and it doesn't have to go into statewide effect for your school to adopt it. Look, save your droopy fashion statement for after school, and pray your ass (No diss intended) doesn't get tasered if it becomes state law. Simple!

In a hurtful situation


Dear AL:
I have never blogged before, but find myself in a hurtful situation. I'm hoping you can give me some advice.
-- B3

Dear B3:
Kinda hard to give advice if I don't know what the problem is, but blogging about it if you have no one to talk to is a great way to get it off your chest. Readers don't have to know who you are and where you're from, just the fact you're venting, looking for support. If you decide to blog about it, drop me a line so me and my readers can stop by. I hope this helped.

Sisters rent and my bad breath

Dear AL:
My girlfriend just inherited her dads house, but her sister who doesn't live there wants us to pay her rent, and she agreed to it. Now I don't have a problem with that, just the fact that when we move in we're taking care of her mother who has a problem with my breath, but my girlfriend thinks if I get hair implants it might help. What do you think?
-- Ray, Georgia

Yo Ray:
I think you should also get butt plugs while you're at it, can't hurt. And about your girlfriend's sister's rent, tell her to kiss your ass, unplugged! How could you not have a problem with that?

My pet wouldn't perform on stage

dramatic chipmunk, chipmunk's, revenge, prairie dogDear AL:
Tonight me and Jewel, my pet ferret, were invited on a talk show to show off his tricks, but he wouldn't come out of his carrier. When I tried to take him out, he bit me right on stage. I think he was scared of the crowd, but tomorrow night he's gona perform if he likes it or not. Any ideas how to calm his nerves? -- Petra, Germany

Dear Petra:
Imitate him.

Good luck!

A Bitchy girl's seat.

Dear AL:
I was sitting on a seat, without knowing that it was a bitchy girl's seat. Well, as the story would go, the bitchy girl came up to me, and growled, "Do you mind?" making a suggestion that it was her seat. I wasn't quite sure whether to say "yes" or "no" because of course I didn't want to give her the seat, seeing as there was no sign that it was hers, yet she was kind of intimidating. What should I say if something like this happens again? -- Shazza, shazza1112.blogspot.com

Dear Shazza:
Just be polite and say: "Where's your papers? If you're the owner of this seat, you surely have documentation to back this claim up, bitch." (Prepare to be carved)

Seriously, I wouldn't give in. But if you hate confrontation, save your face and give her the seat, unless you know for a fact she wont lay a finger on you, and isn't drunk, then blow her off.

I really need u to tell me!

Dear AL:
Really need your advice on this and the story is long!!! I am from Hong Kong but currently working in C----. Last week, I met this journalist who tried to ask the company I worked in for an interview, but got rejected. Before he left, he gave me his business card and then I found out that he was from the same news agent that I used to work in when I was in HK!! (is it a sign?)

Anyway, he called me later and asked me out for a drink, that was follow by lunch the next day and dinner 2 days later..I had a great time chating with him but I am not sure if he likes me or not since he didn't really ask me much about myself and he didn't give me any hints that he is interested in me. What should I do ? Should I just give up? And also there is one problem, he and I are working in different parts of C----, so don't think we can meet that often....

Pls Pls... I really need u to tell me if I would have a chance with this guy or not! -- Sherry, C----
(location censored for your own safety due to your situation)

Dear Sherry:
He tries to interview your company, gets rejected, gives you his card, you go with him on dates, and not once did he ask you about yourself. Whoa! That's a sign or right! A sign that he could have been using you to get information about the company you work for, or just interested in your shoes.

He's a journalist, and if he was really interested in you, he would have probed your life like a major story, but he didn't like you said. He probably talked a little about his job, so you would open about where you work, to which he gradually drilled you with questions about you company, while trying to keep it casual. Even if I'm wrong about this, just going out with a journalist who tried to interview your company just doesn't look good.

If he writes a story, this could cost you your job, right in the middle of the C----.
I could be wrong, but to be sure, I need more information about what you both talked about on your dates, but no company name, and nothing about what your company does for your own safety. Write to me using the same form you used on the right, but don't send your email. I'll only write back to you here.

I am frustrated!

Dear AL:
I have been married for 7 years but have known him since 10 years. After marriage he is just not interested in sex. He cites tiredness and financial problems. I am frustated. We have two kids. Should I divorce him? The kids love him. Please help. He threatens to leave us if I bring up this issue. He will not go for counseling also. I have now started name calling and things are worse. please help.
-- Archie, India

Dear Archie:
First off, are you female? If so, excuse me.

Not sure what the laws are in India. Just don't want to be responsible if the authorities have your head chopped off, but I don't want to leave you hanging either.

Stop with the cursing, take care of yourself physically, and when he comes around because you look like the Bollywood star Juhi Chawla, hand him the divorce papers. Watch how fast he'll plead for forgiveness for a little putay, which would be even more reason to leave this fool!

If you have no time to workout, or you're already a knockout, be kind and do things together with him to get his mind off his problems. If after a few weeks of this he's still the same, divorce his ass! Why waste your time with someone who threatens to leave you because you want to f-ck? Life is short!

Before you make your decision, you need to know what you're getting into when it comes to divorce in India. The information from the link below was published in 1997, so the laws might have changed:
http://www.english.emory.edu/Bahri/Divorce.html

I hoped this helped!

Do I ignore him, or stick with plan A?

Dear AL:
There's this guy seriously pissing me off in school. Do I ignore him, or stick with Plan A, which is to turn up at his door step with a chainsaw and a maniacal laugh?
-- Angry Girl


Dear Angry Girl:
Losers don't give up easy, that's if he's hitting on you, so ignoring him wont work, but plan B and C might do the trick!

Plan B: Eat chocolate for a few hours, and the next time you see him, try to kiss him with your pimpled lips. Works everytime, unless he has herpes.

Plan C: If you have no friends, wear the same socks for weeks, and stop wearing deodorant. This will smoke him out of the class room, get you banned from school, but you know you're clean, right? Right?

I want my two dollars!


Dear AL:
How do you ask for a personnal loan back without sounding mean or hurting the indivdual? -- Mary, AZ

Dear Mary:
"Without sounding mean or hurting the individual?"
Wish you was my next door neighbor, I need a new car!

Look, just ask for your money back. I assume you gave this person this money with the understanding you'll get paid back, and if this person drags their butt when you ask for it, kick their ass! (not physically)

I gave this one fat piece of shit money to go see his mom and enough to take care of her since she just got into a car accident, but dumbo spent it on a prostitute! You wont believe how far my foot was up blimps ass to get it back, but tubby skipped town to another state since I wasn't the only one he suckered. I hear porkchop is now sucking his food through a straw since he finally screwed with the wrong person. Lardass got off easy!

Before you lose it, I'm a fatass too, just not as big as this joker. Remember, violence never solves anything, you just lose even more while serving time, but I'm sure you wont touch this bitches ass.

Excuse me for above, how do I know this persons female?
It's probably a prick!

I should stop thinking about him

Dear Al:
I can't get over this guy colleague/friend I hooked up with one drunken night. He's this handsome jerk and I should stop thinking about him... should stop relating every love song lyric to him... I dont know how to be when I see him in lectures... on facebook...
-- Silly Girl

Dear Silly:
Just be Yourself!

Even if you look like Vera De Milo, I'm sure he'll still accept you. You two hooked up one night!

Oh... forgot... you two were drunk.

Britney Spears told me to F-off, but why?

Dear AL:
I've been a Britney Spears fan forever, so you wont believe how excited I was when I physically bumped into her by accident at a club, but she pushed me back and yelled. I didn't realize at first what Britney said, but after a few minutes it sunk in. Britney shouted "Fuck-off bitch" as she pushed me away and walked off. I watched her videos, brought all her CD's, and been to almost every one of her concerts in town. You know how this makes me feel? What happened?
Wendy, LA

Dear Sucker:
People like you made this train wreck possible. Buying her CD's, watching her lip synch, while ignoring her insanity. This dumbass has been all over the news and you finally noticed something wrong? Wendy... boobala... wake up!

Here's a short recap for your little head:
* Britney Spears shows off crotch (it starts to talk)
* Paris Hilton fondles Britney's boobies (one pops)
* Britney shows off crotch again (Doesn't talk, but photographer throws up)
* Drunk Britney almost drops her son (K-Feb discovers his balls, talks deeper)
* Britney goes to rehab (No-Job-Fed takes custody of kids, feeds them chips)
* Britney Spears shaves head, attacks reporters car with an umbrella while shouting "I'm Gandhi!" (realizes mistake and states "I ment to say Kojak")

Still alive?

Any ideas to improve our presentations?

Dear AL:
I'm a Jehovah Witness. For years I've been trying to help people by showing them the way to true salvation with the help of the Watchtower, but it hasn't been easy. I've met hundreds of people of various religions, non religious types who believe in God, alot of atheists, and about all have turned me away in under a minute. I'm sure a follower visited you, so you must know our beliefs. Do you have any ideas to improve our presentations minus the insults?
-- George, Ireland

Yo George:
Nope!

Think I want your people knocking on my door again? Well think again, buddy! Last thing I need is to be interrupted while I'm doing nothing. Why can't your people build churches like everybody else?

If you have to go door to door, why don't you guys keep record of the places that turned you away? Think I'm gona change my mind when your buddies come over the following week? Hell no! This is what's giving you guys a bad name, GEORGE!

I know some nice Jehovah Witnesses who keep to themselves, and only express their beliefs when the topic of religion is brought up. They'll talk your ear off, but at least they don't continue the conversation at my front door!

The salesman's approach is old, Beaves. Time you guys got with the times!

I got molested by a guy 2 nights ago

Dear Al:
I'm 15 years old. I got molested by a guy 2 nights ago even though I wasn't wearing revealing clothes. I've reported this matter to the police, but the thing is now I can't seem to trust strangers because of what happened 2 nights ago. Plus I can't help but keep on thinking about what happened. How can I forget & get over this disturbing memory? Please help me. -- Tamie

Dear Tamie:
Please talk about what happened with a professional who specializes in post-traumatic stress. Talking with a professional will help you work through it, building trust and healthy relationships. Since you filed a report with the police, I take it that your family already knows, but if they don't you need to tell them.

If this molestation went as far as forced sex, you need to get checked out by a doctor right away. This lowlife could have been carrying more than just a bad haircut!

I wish you the best!

Readers, blog friends, please watch the language in the comments of Tamie's post. Thanks!

He used to respond, but no longer!

Dear AL:
I met this fellow from NC, I am from MA. We've been txting for a few weeks. Next he called. We started calling and phone txting. He came to MA and we hung out for a day. We've continued to call/txt. However, now he no longer answers my emails, and this week he has taken a long time to answer my txtes/voice mails. He used to respond within a reasonable time. Now I feel like like there's something he's holding back about. Any advice?
-- Keilah, US

Dear Keilah:
Sorry it took so long to repond, some female has been distracting me with her text messages. God, she's annoying!

Anyway, have you ever been on a blind date, and when you met the person they turned out to be some dorky looking freak or a dumbass like Paris Hilton? I'm not saying you're a dog or a Jet Set moron, but sometimes these things happen. You could be the most beautiful woman on the planet inside and out, but some guys might prefer .

Maybe you should lay off with the messages and voice mails, and move on. If he's really interested, he'll contact you. Don't hound him, makes you look desperate. Nobody wants a needy person, specially if you freaked him out on the first date. There's plenty of fish in the sea, don't waste your time with Charlie Tuna!

Are they out there?

Hey AL:
Do you believe in aliens?
-- love boo, singapore, boochicky.blogspot.com

Dear boo:
What kind, babe?

I feel illegal aliens have a right to life, as long as they follow the rules until we ship their ass back over the border. As for ET, I'm not sure if they exist, but if they're here, they better have a Visa. I here it's pretty hot on the sun!


Note: To my next writer, I'm a problem solver. If you have a personal problem, let me help. Save your alien questions for fuckin' Dear Abby!
She's has to be one, just look at that mug --> -->

We just know each other as acquaintances

Hello AL!
A few weeks ago I sent a letter to a girl who is very paranoid about her grades. The essence of the letter was that she probably wouldn't be valedictorian (her dream), so she should just calm down about it. That's what I intended to convey, but apparently everyone else took it as me insulting her, not giving her frank advice. Now how exactly should I apologize? She and I were never really close, we just know each other as acquaintances. Any ideas for making an impression that I am sincerely apologizing? I really am sorry for bothering her.
-- Impulsive

Yo, Impulsive!
I can understand if she asked for your opinion, but you went out of your way to write this to a stranger. You're a FREAK! Keep your nose out of other peoples business and they'll stop thinking of you as an asshole with alot of time on your hands.

To apologize, tell her you're sorry for buttin' in, but not with another letter. Grab your balls, or your couch, and talk to her face to face!

They keep telling me I'm nutty

Dear AL:
I like to play mindsweeper. I usually play, oh say, 30 games in a sitting lasting less than 10 minutes. I try to keep my habit down to once or twice a day. My best score is 111 sec and I am very very proud of that. My children don't want me to talk about it. They keep telling me I'm nutty and to get a real game. Do I have a problem?
-- Eleanor, North America

Dear Eleanor:
Nah... I rather see you vegetate playing Minesweeper instead of some crazy shoot 'em up game. You should be proud of that score after playing thousands of times.

Call Guiness! You might have a world record!