I'm throwing in the towel! Life sucks!

Dear AL:
I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I just feel like life is not worth living anymore. Everything seems to be going wrong.
My boyfriend broke up with me, my family hates me, my only friend moved away, I lost my job, and now I'm gona lose my home because I can't pay the rent! I don't want to move back home because my parents are alcoholics, and my step dad touches me!
I've have depression for a few years now, and I can't bare any of this anymore. I'm throwing in the towel! Life sucks!

Al, before I go, can you make me laugh? I haven't done that in a long time. Just please no advice.

I'm still waiting on your blog.
-- Kate, Baton Rouge, LA

Dear Kate:
I know how you feel, and I'm gona try to decribe what I went through as humorous as I possibly can. No refund if it sucks, Alright!

I was... ah... one time... um... at band camp...

Never thought I would ever be lost for words.
Kate, you ruined my groove! Rot in hell!

He Accused Me Of Leading Him On

Dear AL:
Right, in a nutshell: Why do I only attract either weirdos or chauvanistic arseholes when I'm out fer a drink, minding me own business? After an hour of singing along to the live band in the bar, me and me mate were getting ready to leave. This blokey next to us keeps blagging the lighter fer his fags. I tell him just to buy one when he gets his fags ~ and then realise he's cadgin fags of everyone else anyway, so he probably never buys his own. Anyway, he ends up chatting to me and we end up dancing and shouting along to the music, like. Oasis, as I remember. First base reached and sorted, he then says a variation on the "get yer coat, love, you've pulled" theme. I'm incensed. I ask him why a 10 min tonsil hockey match, no drinks and him blagging all me fags means I'll automatically go home wi him and sleep wi him? Excuse me, I do have standards. He accuses me of leading him on. I accuse him of being a smarmy, possible serial-killer typical pissed ex-pat businessman C-word, and tell he has a lot to learn about modern girls. I leave wi me mate, and we catch the bust back to me flat, where I steam about his arrogant assumptions fer about three days. I'm better now. But I must have 'arrogant twats try me' written on me forehead. That and 'nuts welcomed', and not in the Biblical sense, neither.

Can you tell me where I'm going wrong? Tell me it's not me, it's him. Please.
Peach and lube,
-- Soupdragon, Hong Kong, http://soup-dragon.blogspot.com

Dear Soup:
Maybe he liked the way you called his and your friends fags, so he knew you had to be straight.

Most guys will get the wrong impression if you start talking to them first, followed by dancing, and meeting your friends... I mean fags. It's not your fault, just watch a person next time to make sure he's not an asshole before you start a conversation.

Oh yeah... On our side of the planet we don't call our friends fags, specially if they're gay. Hope this helped!

Everyone makes mistakes, even Wee Shu Min

Dear AL:
Not long ago I made the mistake of speaking my mind. I told some old guy to stop bitching, leeching off our government resources, and to basically get off his ass. Now everybody from Singapore to around the world hates my guts.

Al, I'm really a nice person. Is their anyway I can make people see that I'm not the bitch they think I am? Everyone makes mistakes!
-- Wee Shu Min, Singapore

Dear Bitch... I mean Wee Shu Min:
I read what you wrote to him on Wikipedia, genius. You're so fucked!

I also believe people should do more to help themselves, but when a person is down on their luck, you don't step on them! How can a person learn a new profession or start a business when they're dirt poor? Can you answer that sherlock?

If you want everyone to get off your back, reopen your blog and post a video apology. Your a big girl with tough words, right? Don't turn chicken shit now!

Wee Shu Min, if you didn't write me, you're still a bitch. Have a nice day!

Technorati: Wee Shu Min

They have the same perky lips as Ted Haggard!

Dear AL:
I'm so confused! I thought Ted Haggard was straight! He told us about the sins of gays, and he was one himself! We was led by a closet gay, which is very troubling to me.

I think some of my evangelical brothers are gay to! They have the same perky lips as Ted Haggard! Yesterday one of them wanted to tell me a secret, but I punched him in the face because I was afraid he was gona kiss me! Maybe he wanted to tell me he was straight!

Al, I shook Ted's hand one time, it's giving me nightmares!
-- Charlie, Pensacola, Florida

Yo Charlie:
You know you liked it! Come on, admit it!

Look, Ted is gay, and maybe some of your friends, and possibly you. Scared? Is that the reason why you snubbed President Bush when he came down to Florida to support your ass, Mr. Crist? Oops!

There is nothing wrong about being gay, unless your a hypocrite "Ted Haggard". You have nothing to worry about if you keep your nose clean, and your ass.

His Shoplifting Is Too Much!

Dear AL:
I'm married to the most wonderful man on the planet who is a compulsive shoplifter. Everytime we go shopping he has to steal something, usually gum or a candy bar. Yesterday he went big time and shoplifted a salami. A freakin' Salami! When we got into our car he laughed and said "look at this" while unzipping his fly. I yelled at him to wait till we're home, but he said "this can't wait", and pulled out a salami! At first it was funny until he pulled out a pack of beef jerky, and then I lost it! Al, I love my husband, but his shoplifting is too much! How can I make him stop?
-- Anne, UK

Dear Anne:
Did you eat the salami?

***Get your minds out of the gutter, people!***

Anne, I'm sure you talked with your husband about his problem, but this time you really need to put your foot down. Your husband might be suffering from a psychological disorder like depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, Bi-Polar disorder, impulse control disorder, or maybe he's just a plain dumbass. I suggest you give him a choice to either seek professional help or divorce.

He'll never make it past the casheir with a roast beef down his pants. Think about that!