Since Armageddon, I fear meteorites!


Dear AL:
Some people fear flying, swimming, dogs. Since I saw the movie Armageddon when it first came out, I fear of getting hit by a meteor. Not world annihilation, just me. I'm always looking up in hope I see it coming so I can get out of the way. I scream when birds poop on me when I walk under trees! Any advice?
-- Desperate in New York

Dear Desperate:
Stay away from forrests.

Seriously, play paintball. That will get your minds off those meteorites and on to gelatin. Stings like a bitch, but you'll be alright, that's unless you forget to wear your facemask, then you're as good a dead. I hope this helped! :-)

How to delete a Facebook account


Dear AL:
WhenI decided to deactivate my Facebook account, this pathetic social network tried to make me feel bad stating on the deactivation page that my friends wont be able to keep intouch with me. They'll miss me. Like we all did away with our telephones and this is the only means of communication. After being hounded to join Mafia Wars for ages, the dumbass virtual pillow fight game, asked to be put on the MyCalender 2010 application when my birthday clearly shows on my Facebook profile and all those security breaches to my privacy, this was the last straw, so I decided to delete my account permanently. Just one problem. I can't find the damn delete button! I'm trapped! I would really appreciate your help in deleting my suckbook account. I want my old life back, minus FarmVille invitations!

-- Meredith, Colorado

Dear Meredith:
I've looked for hours on my Facebook account, but I couldn't find the delete button. You better get use to those pokes.

Seriously, I did find the delete button. I had to fuckin' Google it! Facebook has purposely hidden this option so you can't permanently jump ship. Kind of reminds me of the Eagles song "Hotel California".
Last thing I remember, I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
"Relax," said the night man, "We are programmed to receive
You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave"

And it's gonna get to that point when they permanently remove their hidden delete button. Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook is moving in that direction. Wonder if I should close my account while I can. Nah... I enjoy those iHeart invites. NOT!

Hey Meredith, when you delete your account, guess what, it's still there. It will take around two weeks for Facebook to remove your info from their servers, so don't mess with this process by logging in to see if it works. Resist the temptation or be forever nagged to play Texas hold 'em!

Boyfriend has male breasts... boobies!

Dear AL:
This is kind of awkward, but I have to vent. My boyfriend has boobies! Now I'm not talking sags of skin after losing weight. I'm talking jugs about the size of Pamela Andersons! We've been dating for months and I never noticed them before. Then last week I noticed his chest was buldging. He told me he just finished pumping iron at his gym, which made me so hot, I convinced him to come back to my place. I've been waiting for that special day forever. Little did I know how special he was. When he took off his shirt I couldn't believe my eyes! I was expecting buldging chest muscles. Instead I got boobies! They were larger than mine and I thought I was huge! He then said he has a confession to make. He didn't workout. I then told him that I never noticed them before. He then looked down and said he had them lifted. He lifted his man boobs! I almost threw-up when I ran to the bathroom, but after a few minutes I returned to the bedroom. I was hoping he would have his shirt on, but he was standing their with his arms crossed covering his breasts with his hands! I turned away. I then asked him if he was a transsexual, but he responded no, that they're not implants. I then asked him why he had them lifted instead of having them removed. He responded while looking down at his chest that he thought they would look better instead of sagging. I then got dressed... said sorry, and haven't seen him since.

We talked today, and he said he misses me, but I can't bring myself to see him even though I miss him to. I haven't told him how I feel. Al, I know I'll get sick to my stomach if I see them again. What would you do in my shoes?

-- Uri, Taiwan

Dear Uri:
Carry a pack of Alka-Seltzer.

Seriously, if you can't see yourself mashing your boobs against his (ew...), tell him about it. Let him know how you feel about him and maybe he'll surprise you by seeing a physician again. But if his condition is ireversible and he's comfortable about his boobies, maybe you can get use to them, but until then tell him to keep his shirt on and buy yourself some Dragon Skin body armor. You'll be alright.

She's friendless, gross and insulting. Wont leave me alone!

Dear AL:
There's a girl in my neighborhood who is a year older than me, and has very few friends. I am nice to her, and to her I am a close friend. The only problem is I find it hard to be around her very often. She is constantly talking about sad or gross things which I am not interested in, and constantly insulting people I really care about. I feel terrible that she doesn't have many friends, but when I am around her I feel like there is a vacuum sucking all of my energy and happiness away. She doesn't know this, because I think it would be really cruel to tell her, and she would probably dismiss it as a joke anyway. This is just really frustrating to me, because she knows when I am home, and calls me to make plans whenever I am home. I don't want to really upset her, but when I am hanging out with her she upsets me! To make matters worse, I have a chronic illness, which is greaty affected by stress, and hanging out with her literally causes me pain. I don't know what to do!!! Please help! Thanks in advance!!!
-- Going Crazy

Dear Crazy:
You must be really crazy if you're letting this miserable bitch waste your time. How can you state that you care for your friends and let this loser insult them? She's affecting your health. WTF is wrong with you?

This girl is a fruitcake (not the one in the pic), but the problem is you, not her, and the sooner you realize this the better off you'll be. These kind of people never change.

You can do this two ways... tell the bitch to leave you alone (recommended) or hear about the time she ate her first booger which wasn't hers... It's your choice.

Friend used me, disappeared, gave lame excuse

Dear Al:
I have been searching the internet for a place to express my discontent with a friendship and to find unbiased advice. I came across your blog and hopefully you have something enlightening to offer.

The year 2009 was a major year in the development of my personal friendships. I chose to end harmful relationships with a few people I have known for over 15 years, more than half of my life. My decisions have been very rewarding. As time passes, I feel less troubled by the decisions I have made. However, there is one friendship that has me quite confused. The friendship I speak of is the least developed relationship I have had in my life. My issue is trying to understand why it bothers me so much.

A little over three years ago we hired a new administrative assistant at my job. He was four years younger than me, so it was pretty nice to have someone working with me who I could help grow professionally. We worked very closely and I became his confidant very quickly. That was a bit awkward, but as we developed a friendship I was able to accept it more easily and still able to handle separating the professional from the personal.

Every so often we would hang out after work, play video games at my apartment, and have drinks and such – the usual friendship stuff we all know. We had much in common and quickly he began calling me his best friend. Whether it was that fact that I had good advice or that I spent more time with him than others, I was not sure. Anyhow, the major part of this became his relationship with his girlfriend. He would tell me everything and I would give him honest advice. I am in a successful 8-year gay relationship. Perhaps my experiences helped him out, when he needed the advice. Whatever it was, he confided in me and would seek me out for some type of guidance all the time. This happened only when things were bad. Since I saw him everyday it was easy to talk all the time. Eventually he got fired from the job and we saw each other less frequently, but we did hang out as usual from time to time. Then she got pregnant and things got even worse for him. I felt badly, and being the friend that I am, was very supportive and there for him anytime, any day. Ultimately things got patched up with her and he disappeared. I wouldn’t see him online, no emails, no texts or phone calls…everything died out completely. I tried a few times during his disappearance to express my discontent with the behavior, but to no avail. He would never respond or give a lame excuse and then I wouldn’t hear from him again. So I decided to end that friendship. I didn’t just end it like that – I told him I was done. As I mentioned I was going through significant changes in friendships I had for much longer than his, so losing him was no big deal.

More than a year passed and he popped up again. He began texting me and emailing me. He started telling me that he held off for long enough and that he misses me, etc, etc. I was open to discuss MY issues and I told him that I was not up for wasting time on a friendship that was one-sided. He never knew how I was really doing because he was so busy talking about his problems and I was the fool consoling him. So we discussed this and he promised to stick around and apologized for his past infractions. I had my suspicions, though. I knew things were bad for him again. Lo and behold he was in fact troubled and going through a breakup with his girlfriend, with whom he has a one year old child and lives with. I kept my guard up, but he was so persistent on hanging out all the time. He was coming over three to four times a week and actually NOT talking about his problems as much as he had in the past. I thought he seemed a bit more mature, so perhaps being so cautious was not necessary. After about three months of constant communication the holidays came and he started disappearing again. Immediately I knew things were going well with his girlfriend. I have always been an advocate of “working things out,” so I am very supportive of making things work in a relationship, especially when you have a child together. I didn’t want to make a big deal of MY issues again. I refused to come across as “dramatic” when all I really am is hurt.

So I couldn’t hold it back anymore and I sent him a text message yesterday. I asked him for 110% honesty and asked why it’s been a month and I don’t hear from him unless I reach out. Furthermore, he was here all the time, and his interest appears to have dissolved. As I expected he gave me a lame excuse about being lazy and work etc, etc. I KNOW that he doesn’t know how to balance his relationship with his girlfriend and those with his friends. I felt the need to test his honesty and he lied. I checked out FaceBook, as people seem to be more honest there than in real life, and of course, he’s back to relationship status. Now I have zero tolerance for him and I pretty much feel the need to ignore him and let that die, as I did in the past. My interest now is myself and remaining loyal to my beliefs in what a friendship should be. I know that everyone is on a different page when they define friendships, but I also know that I am not a doormat to wipe your feet clean every time your girlfriend betrays you. It’s a lose-lose situation for me and I am not sure that my decisions are always right.

So, in conclusion, I just need advice. How would you deal with this? Am I being the stubborn asshole I sometimes feel I can be?

Sincerely,
VooDoo

Dear VooDoo:
Nah... you're not an asshole. A sucker, maybe, but not an asshole.

If I was you I would take this as a lesson learned. Unless the person in need is a real friend, don't waste your time extending your hand in friendship and don't cling to hard! I'm not saying you were infatuated by him, but some might think that way since you got your Skiviez' in a twist.

Move on!