Dear AL:
My wife of 50 years is very abusive to me. If I come home a few minutes late from work she yells. When I find something funny, she states my laugh is disgusting. When we have friends over she makes fun of my clothes and mocks everything I say. Last weekend while I rehearsed a hymn with my mother, she told us both to shut the f-up! She constantly calls me scheissekopf, arsch gesicht, hundin, and yells Leck mich am Arsch! I'm at my wit's end with this woman! How can I stop her verbal abuse?
-- Brian, Baltimore
Yo Brian:
Hide her dentures!
Seriously, she sounds like she's suffering from dementia. And if you haven't already, get her diagnosed. Guaranteed she's going to start calling ya douchebag, but you'll know she's a fruitcake or a bitch. Either way you could commit her easily, but if you still love her, buy yourself earplugs. She'll stop harrassing ya knowing you can barely hear her, but don't be surprised if she buys a megaphone. If she loves to fight, let her do it with a nurse!
Life is short, and for you it's shorter. Make the best of the years you have left.
