I'm in a abusive relationship with my wife.

Dear AL:
My wife of 50 years is very abusive to me. If I come home a few minutes late from work she yells. When I find something funny, she states my laugh is disgusting. When we have friends over she makes fun of my clothes and mocks everything I say. Last weekend while I rehearsed a hymn with my mother, she told us both to shut the f-up! She constantly calls me scheissekopf, arsch gesicht, hundin, and yells Leck mich am Arsch! I'm at my wit's end with this woman! How can I stop her verbal abuse?
-- Brian, Baltimore

Yo Brian:
Hide her dentures!

Seriously, she sounds like she's suffering from dementia. And if you haven't already, get her diagnosed. Guaranteed she's going to start calling ya douchebag, but you'll know she's a fruitcake or a bitch. Either way you could commit her easily, but if you still love her, buy yourself earplugs. She'll stop harrassing ya knowing you can barely hear her, but don't be surprised if she buys a megaphone. If she loves to fight, let her do it with a nurse!

Life is short, and for you it's shorter. Make the best of the years you have left.

Mom embarasses me. Friends ignore me. School sucks!

Dear AL:
I have a few problems here, and I was hoping to get your advice.

1) My mother has taken to contradicting me for the fun of it, and sometimes makes remarks in public that she knows will embarrass me. She's a middle-aged, professional woman, which only makes the situation more ridiculous. What do you think of this?

2) I have few friends, and even fewer really close friends, whom I can get along and enjoy going out with. All is well, except that three of them have a ridiculous habit of ignoring phone calls or messages, and basically being un-contactable. I've had instances where one turned up three hours late and casually commented that she had forgotten to turn on her mobile phone. It's getting to the point that it's ridiculous, and apologies from them just don't cut it. What should I do?

3) My school has a thing about group work, and while I get along alright with my classmates, everyone already has a fixed group of friends, which means I end up as the last, pathetic one, begging smaller groups to include me. As you see it, Al, is there anyway around it?

Please help, Al. Any advice will be appreciated!

Thanks.
- Alice

Dear Alice:
You sound like a real winner.

I'm not sure why your mom treats you like shit. Maybe it has something to do with what you say, which might explain why your friends ignore your phone calls and text messages. Doh!

Either you're annoying the fuck out of everyone, your friends and classmates with senseless rants, being too needy, or you're really nice and everyone around you are a bunch of assholes, including your mom. Even if you're an idiot, not that I'm saying you are, just if, your mom shouldn't be embarrassing you. Or maybe she's just trying to save ya from embarrassing yourself that you're taking it the wrong way. I'm not there to hear what comes out of your mouth, or why your mom embarrasses you in public, so it's not easy to figure if you're mentally challenged or your moms a bitch.

My advice to you, think before you open your mouth. Know who you're with... who you're talking to. Let people like you... not by talking them to death over stupid shit (gossip), complaining or begging, but being independent and positive. If this doesn't change your mom, fuck what she thinks. Be polite and ignore the witch. You're not going to be living with her forever, or are ya?

Swine Flu: Daughter Afraid of Guinea Pig

Dear Al:
Since my 7 year old daughter found out about the Swine Flu, and that it came from pigs, she doesn't want to play with her guinea pig anymore. I tried to explain to her that she doesn't have to worry about getting sick from Simon, her guinea pig, but she keeps telling me it's also a pig, and if I knew that he didn't come from Guinea? And you know what, I didn't. After I gave her a hug, she slowly walked away, and looked at Simon from a distance saying goodbye to him. I almost cried! What can I do to show her that she doesn't have to worry about getting sick from him?
-- Judith, Wyoming

Dear Judith:
Remind her that her guinea pig is a rodent, so there is no way she will catch the swine flu from him. And if that doesn't work, take her and her guinea pig to the vet for a check-up. I'm sure they will be more than happy to help you quench her fear.

Tell your daughter about the media assholes who are making a mountain out of a mole hill about this virus. They prey on fear to boast ratings to attract sponsors who are all just looking to make a profit. Good luck trying to explain that sentence.

Kw's: H1N1, H1N2, H3N1, H3N2, H2N3, SIV, hog, influenza, C, A, seasonal, pandemic

My employee spreads lies about coworkers

Dear AL:
I have this employee (relative) that does nothing but complain. Since her fear of customers and boredom, she spreads lies about her coworkers, trying to prevent them from doing their jobs so they stay by her side. What can I tell her to straighten her out?
-- Diana, Texas

Dear Diana:
Tell her to STFU!

From the sounds of it, she's probably older than dirt, and it's no ones fault she can't handle the job. Tell her to get with the program or you will give her walking papers. If she continues, without hesitation, put her out to pasture! Be strong or you will lose good workers because her. Screw it if it's your mother!

KW's: hostile work environment

My gay mom wont accept my gay marriage

Dear AL:
My mom is gay, has a girlfriend, but told me to divorce my gay partner I married in California before the Prop. 8 ban. She says it violates the sanctity of marriage between a man and woman for procreation. Wants me to marry a man. She's very religious, and keeps her homosexuality under wraps.

Now I don't care how she runs her life. How can I get her to accept mines?
-- Upset in California

Dear Upset:
Your mom is living a lie, and until she accepts who she is, she will not accept your marriage, even if you were to get artificially inseminated by David Hasselhoff. Ew...

Go on with your life, and don't count on your mom to come around in the near future, that's unless her double life is discovered. But more than likely she'll repent like Ted Haggard... become cured *cough*, but remain a heterosexual with issues. :-P

Think of your girl.

Kw's: proposition 8, closet, religious fanatic, position

Can't stand my name!

Dear AL:
Way back when I was a child I loved my birth name, Pony, that's until someone pulled my ponytail in first grade, and all the nicknames that followed. Today at 20 I'm finally gona change it, just drives me crazy that my mom wont tell me why she named me this. Have any indeas?
-- Samantha (soon to be name), Oklahoma

Dear Sam:
You don't want to know.

My boyfriends mom is such a pain!

Dear AL:
Me and my boyfriend can never be left in piece. His Mom is always in our hair! She bitches about everything, the way we're dressed, us playing loud music, and my boyfriends bedroom. What is it to her that his room is a little messy? It's not like it smells or something, just a few things here and there. You understand, right?

My boyfriends mom is such a pain! No way we're gona change!
-- Chrissy, Heidelberg, Germany

Dear Chrissy:
You go with your bad selves!

His Shoplifting Is Too Much!

Dear AL:
I'm married to the most wonderful man on the planet who is a compulsive shoplifter. Everytime we go shopping he has to steal something, usually gum or a candy bar. Yesterday he went big time and shoplifted a salami. A freakin' Salami! When we got into our car he laughed and said "look at this" while unzipping his fly. I yelled at him to wait till we're home, but he said "this can't wait", and pulled out a salami! At first it was funny until he pulled out a pack of beef jerky, and then I lost it! Al, I love my husband, but his shoplifting is too much! How can I make him stop?
-- Anne, UK

Dear Anne:
Did you eat the salami?

***Get your minds out of the gutter, people!***

Anne, I'm sure you talked with your husband about his problem, but this time you really need to put your foot down. Your husband might be suffering from a psychological disorder like depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, Bi-Polar disorder, impulse control disorder, or maybe he's just a plain dumbass. I suggest you give him a choice to either seek professional help or divorce.

He'll never make it past the casheir with a roast beef down his pants. Think about that!

Religious Freak in My Families Business!

Yo AL:
There's this religious fanatic living next door that's always in my families business.
She's watches us like a hawk, quotes the Bible to us almost everyday, and gives us dirty looks. A few days ago she thought I was having an affair when she saw me with my sister.
She sneaked into our house, saw us and said "You're both gona burn in hell!"

Al, what can I tell this nut to get her off our backs?
-- Brian, Kentucky

Yo Brian:
Fuck off bitch! Not you... her!

On second thought, don't tell her that. She might pull a Carrie's mom on your ass!

Get a restraining order agains't her, and when you catch her staring, moon her!

I'm psychologicaly damaged!

Dear AL:
I still can't believe what I saw yesterday! I wanted to gouge my eyes out! I walked in on my parents in the bathroom while my mom was giving dad oral sex! It was digusting! There dad was, standing in his hairy birthday suit, while Mom performed oral sex with her pruned lips! They was sagging everywhere!

Why can't they be like normal parents and stop having sex? I know your readers will find this funny, but I'm psychologicaly damaged!
-- Grace, college student

Dear Grace:
It could have been worse!



Filed under: confused, family matters, personal problems, sex, videos, YouTube

I Can't Stand My Mom's Husband!

Hey Al:
I wanna go visit my mom but I seriously can't stand her husband. He lives there, of course, and he's always home. So, if I wanna spend some time driving all the way up there to go visit my mom in person, I have to deal with him too. I really can't stand the guy so I stay away and just call my mom on the phone. What would you do in this situation?
-- Paul, cyberspace

Yo Paul:
If you haven't already, talk to your Mom. Let her know how you feel.
You could invite her over, just she might bring baggage along, which could work to your advantage if you play your cards right. Have a friend pretend to be your live in disgusting girlfriend, to include burping, farting, and whatever it takes that when you invite your Mom over again, she'll come alone. Let your Mom in on your plans so she wont get sick.
I hope this helped!

Filed under: advice, family matters

My Parents Hardly Notice!

Dear Al:
I'm studying Chinese, starting to get really good SAT scores, and I'm a straight A student... my parents hardly even notice! I even placed tenth in the region for a competition and they barely glanced at my certificate. Any suggestions?
-- Suzhen, Dallas

Dear Suzhen:
See what happens when you blast music in your room... they're deaf! Sudden deafness also causes Vertigo, dizziness, loss of balance, so if by luck you do get your parents attention, it would be almost impossible for them to focus on your performance records if they're swaying all over the place. To solve this problem, catch them while they're sitting down and announce your performance with a bullhorn megaphone!
Works every time, until they're completely deaf.

I hope this helped!

What should I do?

Dear Al:
I've been stressing out lately because of my mom and the environment i live in.don't get me wrong, i love my mom to death.but my problem is,that she's mentally ill.i cry almost every night.now we cant do the things like we use to do. and the place where i live is full of drugdealers,thugs,criminals etc. the only reason why we cant move out is that we dont have enough money.kids from other apartments come out everyday to throw sticks at my moms door.i hate them.when i tell them to stop they wont and they cuss back at me.and when i go up to their face, their moms get bitchy about it.my dad goes to work everyday and tries to nurture us the best way he can.what should i do?
-- Meredith, Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Meredith:
If you haven't already, visit the official website of the City of Jacksonville, Florida. They have plenty of resources to help you and your family, just it's a little difficult to find on their site, but I found some info for ya:

* Mental Health Services
* Outreach to Elderly and Disabled Victims

I'm not sure what you could do about those idiotic kids since their parents are lowlifes! Last thing you need is a feud. These morons are not gona be kids forever, and with luck they'll be in prison before they're 25, where they're gona get hit with plenty of sticks! Karma's a bitch!

Sorry I couldn't be of more help, Meredith! Take care of yourself!

Love of my life is not listening to me!

Dear Al:
I'm in love! I met this incredibly awesome beautiful girl that rocks my world! Her name is Katie! Since Katie came into my life, something extraordinary magnificent has happened to me that I can't restrain myself since I'm so happy! I made a fool out of myself not long ago while I was jumping on a friends couch laughing manically "I'm in love! I'm in love!", but that's ok. I'm really happy because Katie is an extraordinary woman! My friends are happy for me, people I know, my mom and my whole family are happy for me! But I have a little problem, not that I'm saying I'm not happy, because I am since I love Katie so much! Katie is starting to develop pimples on her face, but they'e not gross yet, just it doesn't look good. Katie wants to start using medicated acne pads for her face, which I'm totally agains't! Those acne pads introduces chemicals to the body which are harmful, because I know since I've done the research. I explained to Katie that all she has to do to get rid of the pimples is to take vitamins and exercise, but she insists on using those medicated acne pads!
Al, how can I make Katie see the light? I would really appreciate a response from you before I start my E-meter treatment today to free my Thetans from the influence of evil Engrams. Thanks!
--Tom, tomcruiseblog.blogspot.com

Dear Tom:
Tom, it's great that you're in love, just stop reminding us!

So what you're saying is you want Katie to clear up her pimples, but you want her to clear up her pimples by taking the road that you approve of, as opposed to a road that may work for her? If you truly love Katie, then let her clear up her pimples the way she sees fit, unless you prefer seeing her with whiteheads the size of peas!

I hope this helped! Now go and free your Thetans!

Why doesn't Dear Abby give me advice?

Dear AL:
For the last few weeks I've been writting Dear Abby about a problem, but she's hasn't gave me any advice! My sons girlfriend moved into our place, and I told him that it's not a good idea, but he brushed me off with a laugh. At first it didn't look like it was gona be a problem, until I came home one day and caught my son and her smoking weed in the livingroom while playing a game on the TV, throwing chips at each other. I then told them to clean up their mess, and to stop smoking weed, but he laughed at me, called me a Dork, and went to his room.

I don't appreciate my son talking to me like that, and the fact that Dear Abby is not repsonding. My son and his girlfriend think I'm stupid asking for advice, but I don't care!

Any ideas on how to get Dear Abby's attention? This is serious!
-- John, Idaho

Dear John:
You seriously want me to help you get intouch with Dear Abby? Are you on Crack?!!! Don't make me call you a Dork!

I don't know your situation, if you're disabled or not, but your son is living under your roof, not the other way around!

No warnings! When your son is not around, grab all his shit, and his girlfriends, and throw it out! You sound like you might need a little help, so ask your friends for assistance. Then have a BBQ with your friends, and enjoy the look on your son's and girlfriends faces as they discover their Playstation asses are out in the street! Good luck!