Can you throw me some pointers?

Dear AL:
There's this person I'm dying to hook-up with! The first time I've seen her was at a club during her stage performance with men that were dressed like women. Not sure what was up with that, and my friends tell me she's a dude, but I know in my heart she's female. Anyway, I think she might be interested because she's always looking my way during her shows. It's been a few years since I've been with a girl. Can you throw me some pointers, and maybe an escape plan if her name turns out to be Fred. Thanks!
-- Matt, California

Yo Matt:
If your friends say she's a dude, she's a DUDE! Even if she's not a dude, performers stare out into the audience. They're not looking for true love, Beaves. If you have to meet her to be sure, compliment her after the show, and go with the flow. There's no perfect line to run on the opposite or same sex, just be yourself. If she turns out to be a dude, try not to hurt Freds feelings by running away, just hook him up with one of your buddies. Chances are one or more of them are gay since they keep attending these drag queen shows. Maybe it's time you came out of the closet! Be true to yourself!