Date boyfriend... don't see long term relationship

Dear AL:
What are "boyfriends" for? Should we date one we don't picture the long term with?
-- Nice Girl, Germany

Dear Nice:
If you're clueless about boyfriends, like they're this foreign part of an automobile engine, don't take them for a spin!

Now if you want to date someone, you better make sure he's not desperate for something permanent and you have plenty of condoms. Last thing you want is to become a single parent because he never pictured a long term relationship with you, just a one night stand.

Girlfriend found another girls phone number

Hey AL:
My girlfriend is very upset with me. She found another girls phone number in my jeans back pocket. I tried to explain to her that my buddy planted it there as a joke while we was wrestling, but she's not buying it. How can I patch things up?
-- Jeff, Australia

Yo Jeff:
Start by telling her the truth. Your buddy reaching into your back pocket has to be the dumbest excuse I've ever heard, but if this really happened, sounds like he's going Brokeback Mountain on your ass. Best you set him straight, and I don't mean giving him a hard-on by letting him go down your front pockets! *Puke*

If you're full of shit, which you probably are, tell her the truth, but be prepared to get dumped, Beaves. Let her go if this is a habit of yours... collecting numbers, not rolling in the mud with George!

I'm a gusher... boyfriend turned off by this.

Dear AL:
I am a gusher. My new boyfriend is turned off by this but I don't know what to do. I mean, if I get off, I gush. Suggestions?
-- Girda, Toronto, Ontario

Dear Girda:
If you're not too emotionally attached when you're not having sex, I suggest you find a new boyfriend. To most men, a women gushing is conclusive proof we're great at sex. If your boyfriend doesn't appreciate this, dump him or buy him a wetsuit... cheaper than installing a hydraulic pump by your bed.

I feel my boyfriend doesn't respect me

Hi Al:
Ok, so it's 2 years into the relationship and I'm starting to get the distinct impression my boyfriend no longer respects me at all!

Take today for example, hed put my front door key in his pocket by mistake! I was at my moms and he agreed to come round to mine with my key. I got to my house, phoned him, and he hadn't even left! I had to sit in my car for 45 minutes when there's snow on the ground. And then he didn't even APOLOGISE!!!

And also, can you tell me why, when I'm clearly angry with him, he will make small talk and try to play fight with me like there's nothing wrong!

Why don't men say to their girlfriends, "WHAT IS WRONG? SHALL WE TALK ABOUT THIS?"?!?!
-- Jenny, UK

Hey Jenny:
That's what you should be asking George. Either he's a freakin' idiot, which might be the case, or he's seriously trying to make you mad so you would break up with him because he doesn't have the balls to do it himself. When you're dealing with this kind of problem, don't wait for him to come fourth. Grow a pair, seriously, and confront this head on. Someone has to wear the jewels!

Boyfriend thinks my vagina is too hairy!

Dear AL:
My boyfriend just hurt my feelings. For the past month I've noticed he was less interested in sex, so I confronted him about it today. He told me my vagina is too hairy, but no one ever complained about this before. He recommended that I shave, but I don't want to look like a little girl. I'm thinking about breaking up with him because he said it looks gross, but I don't want to play the dating game again.

AL, I really need your help. I've read some of your previous responses to other writers, so I know what to expect from your advice. Let me have it!
-- Pat, Virginia

Dear Pat:
You bet your hairy ass I'll let you have it!

Look, if your nether regions is styling a fro, drop the pick and trim it. Same for your man if he wants to get laid.

Shaving your vagina... well, that style is in. It's not seen as a little girl, but neat and clean. Notice the next time you go swimming how most females are stream lined between their legs. It's rare you'll find someone under 40 styling a brillo pad down there.

eHow.com - How to shave Pubic Hair (Complete Instructions)

You can just trim and skip the razor all together if you're uncomfortable, this way he wont feel like he's dating Ron Jeremy. Hopefully you're not!

Kw's: Jheri Curl, moptop, beehive, mullet, pubic hair

She no lik me enymor!

Dear AL:
Hav a nise girlfrend bupt dink she no lik me enymor. Lass time she com to mi haus she leeve soon bupt com bak bupt no tork an leeve aygen. Wat can I do so mi girlfrend lik me lik befor?
-- Marat, Қазақстан

Dear Marat:
Take showers or she will never lick ya again.

Seriously, give her breathing room. Now I'm not saying that you stink, just give her space to think. Before doing so, call her up and let her know how you feel. If she still doesn't like ya after a few days, move on. Life is short.

Kw's: girlfriend, dating, relationship problem, problems, breakup

He obviously wants to meet me

Dear AL:
So I have been chatting to this guy online for months. He lives in another country and he is moving to the same city as me. I'm extremely nervous because he obviously wants to meet me. I am not the most attractive person, and I just don't want to get rejected. Should I pass on the date, take someone with me to take off the pressure, or go and take my chances? -- J

Dear J:
I hate to be the one to have advised you to your own death, but since you've obviously want to meet him, I say bring a friend along. Since you're worried about rejection, maybe you should do a little cam to cam with him. Better to get rejected online than him standing you up because he got a good look at you from a distance. Hell, he might be butt ugly, but I hope you would give him a chance.

Meet at a public place a few times to get a feel for him. If all of a sudden he asks for your help in recovering money that needs to be transfered to your account, asks for money, or if you could go to his country for whatever, RUNAWAY! Chances are he doesn't plan on staying in your country longer than a weeks if that's the case. Sounds fishy that he's moving to your state. Don't get scammed!

I'd push her off a building, but I can't

Dear Al:

I have two friends whom I am very close to. Well, closer to one than the other, but that's beside the point. So late last year, the one whom I'm closer to, whom we shall call A, has had a friend. This friend seems to have no one but A, so clings on to A like A was a lifebuoy in the dead sea.

I wouldn't bother about it, since the fact that A enjoys being a lifebuoy has nothing to do with me, except that A allows the damn barnacle to join us three, almost ALL THE FREAKING TIME!

She's even gone so far to join the same club as us so she can leech on to A. LORD HELP US.

I'd push her off a building, but I can't get the barnacle alone, because she's always trying to be around A.

*Tears hair out*

-- Annoyed Girl

Dear Annoyed: *Gluing her hair back on*
You're friends with A. Ok... close friends, but it seems like you're latched on to this buoy like the barnacle. Maybe A's reaching out to this other person because you're crusting A to death. If that's not the case, the way your message reads, it wont be long before you're scraped off with a putty knife.

You're not married to A... not dating... so A can see whomever. You either accept the barnacles presence, crust and all, or find someone else to cling too. That doesn't mean you can't ask A out on a date, just don't be surprised if A brings a pressure washer. I hope this helped!

I want to be the first

Dear AL:
My girlfriend just has a record of leaving all her ex-boyfriends hanging, not actually breaking up with them. I want to be the first because I know she isn't in to me any more and I know that breaking up would just kill her. I really don't want that. HELP!!!
-- dyvius, Colorado

Yo Dyvius:
You want to be the first what? Lay?

How can you be the first of anything if she's not into you? Move on dude. Masturbate. She'll be alright, believe me.

How can I get her back?

Dear AL:
I'm living in hell. My girl broke up with me. We've been dating 4 months, but when I discovered her prosthetic toe when I jumped into the shower with her, she called it quits after smacking me a few times. She's the most sweetest person in the world, but reacted like that because how I reacted when I saw her toe on the soap dish. Just wish she told me.

We haven't been together long, but I love her very much. How can I get her back? I thank God everyday for meeting a girl like her!
-- Tony, Alaska

Dear Tony:
You should also thank God she didn't have a prosthetic leg, she would've killed you!

Declare your feelings for her by writing her a letter, then give her a day or two to contact you. If she doesn't, give her a call and tell her the same. She might need more time, so you have to be strong for the both of you. She probably was gona tell you at some point about her prosthetic, but now you know, and if you hang in there and don't give up, everything will be ok.

Should I make the move?

Dear Al:
Thanks for your reply! Ok, during the 1st lunch, he did asked me some questions that is related to his report! (but I didn't tell him that much since I used to work in the same news agent as well, so I know the rules)!!! But during 2nd time, he didn't ask me anything about the company or industry that I am currently working in, instead, we talk about loads of common interests and we did joked alot! So I am really confuse now!!!! Should I make the move (not knowing whether he just wanna treat me as a friend)?
-- Sherry, C----

Dear Sherry:
Continuing where we left off, you know he was trying to use you, risking your job on this date, but you went out with him on a second date anyway? You wont believe how wide open you are right now, but I let you slide. Maybe he looked like Jackie Chan.

Being alone in a foreign country sucks, makes you desperate for companionship, sex, babies, but don't let that cloud your judgement. He's there for a story, not looking to start a family. Wait till he calls, but if he doesn't, forget him, and move on.

If he's interested in you, or your company, he will call. I just don't think it's a good idea seeing him since you're putting your job at risk. Go back to China if you're lonely and save yourself the trouble.

What would you do?

Dear AL:
Say there's this beautiful girl who's kinda nice, Republican, who can hold her own defending Creation. What would you do in my shoes?
-- Alan, Virginia Beach

Dear Alan:
Run away!

I want to crawl into a hole and die!

Dear AL:
I have a really embarrassing problem!
I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks. I have not had sex with anyone since my husband who had prem ejaculation so sex was really quick.
I had 2 children with my husband and sometimes have stress incontinence. Anyway when we had sex, I was in continent and somehow his socks got wet where they were under 'the action'. He asked how they got wet and I just changed the subject. I am mortified.
Do i say anything about the socks and what happens (if!!! which i doubt) we have sex again. He must have realised that it happened!! I want to crawl into a hole and die! What is the way forward - celebacy?!
-- Lil, Hants, UK

Dear Lil:
Everyone pissed themselves one time or another, even on other peoples socks. You're not alone!

Stress urinary incontinence can be treated by strengthening the pelvic floor muscles through Kegel exercises, Ben Wa balls, or a more recently developed exercise technique called vaginal cone therapy. Not only will you stop peeing on his socks once you master these exercises, sex will be so good he'll be peeing on yours!

* Urinary Incontinence Treatment
* Kegel exercise
* Ben Wa balls

I hope this helped!

Can you throw me some pointers?

Dear AL:
There's this person I'm dying to hook-up with! The first time I've seen her was at a club during her stage performance with men that were dressed like women. Not sure what was up with that, and my friends tell me she's a dude, but I know in my heart she's female. Anyway, I think she might be interested because she's always looking my way during her shows. It's been a few years since I've been with a girl. Can you throw me some pointers, and maybe an escape plan if her name turns out to be Fred. Thanks!
-- Matt, California

Yo Matt:
If your friends say she's a dude, she's a DUDE! Even if she's not a dude, performers stare out into the audience. They're not looking for true love, Beaves. If you have to meet her to be sure, compliment her after the show, and go with the flow. There's no perfect line to run on the opposite or same sex, just be yourself. If she turns out to be a dude, try not to hurt Freds feelings by running away, just hook him up with one of your buddies. Chances are one or more of them are gay since they keep attending these drag queen shows. Maybe it's time you came out of the closet! Be true to yourself!

Totally incapable of enjoying my dates

Dear Al:
We broke up some 7 months ago. Her dad was diagnosed with cancer and he wanted her settle down before he dies. He is allergic to medicines so there is no real chance of him surviving. She comes from a very traditional family and the age gap of 8 years isnt appreciated (me being younger). That being said, we still love each other but her family comes first to her.

Now the problem is, I cannot seem to get over her.I tried dating other women but I felt like i was cheating her! I tried telling myself that was stupid but my stupid mind would not listen. I also felt like I was cheating the women i went out with cos I am still in love with another woman.

My friends say and i believe that the best way to get over somebody is to start dating others. But I find myself totally incapable of enjoying my dates with this guilt feeling. I cant really tell them that i am still in love with other woman, can i? And if I stop seeing others for now, I think I am just going to extend this painful period further! I know I have to stop thinking too much but how?

Yo Anonymous:
***Smack!*** Pull yourself together!

Look dude/dudette, have you ever thought about waiting? How would you feel while watching your father croak your love was dating others? He probably kicked the bucket, so she's in mourning while you're trying to forget her. Be a man and wait for her!

Your friends are morons! The last thing you should be doing is going on dates. You're wasting you're time as well as those girls, but if your friends get you to go on a few, telling a woman you're dating about a past love is the biggest mistake you can make, because her first thought will be "What the fuck are you doing, stupid?" right before excusing herself to the ladies room, never to return.

Hangout with your friends and tell them how you feel when you feel like talking about her, but not while they're trying to get some ass. Keeping things bottled up will lead to depression and watching Oprah, resulting in you're friends distancing themselves from you when they discover you're a member of her book club. Seeking professional help will prevent this fate!

You know, she could have also been bullshiting ya. She either got sick of being your mommy, or still had strong feelings for a love before you, and managed to hook up again with this person granting her dads last wish, but I could be wrong. I hope this helped!

Boyfriend thinks Bloggers are needy fruitcakes

Dear Al:
Forever me and my boyfriend always gave etch other space to do whatever we wanted, like I let him go sking with his buddies and he lets me go on trips with the girls, but for the first time he doesn't want me to do something. My boyfriend wont let me go to the Blog Parteeh this year. He says Bloggers are needy fruitcakes looking for attention, except for me since I don't have a blog.

Some of my favorite bloggers are going to the Blog Parteeh and I really want to go and meet etch and every one of them. How can I convince my boyfriend to let me go?
-- Shari, Philippines

Dear Shari:
Maybe if you etch him something he might let you go.

Personally I don't see the big deal about this blog party, but you are your own person, and if your non-blogging self wants to go, GO! It's a snowball's chance in hell, but if you manage to get in, say hello to my fellow fruitcakes, except for this guy on the right.

http://blogparteeh.com

Technorati: party, parteeh, blogparteeh07, needy, relationships, boyfriend, wants, fruitcakes, advice, blog, weblog, blogger, bloggers, column, solutions, everyday, problems, dear al

Like many a hapless man he can't see her games

DearAL:
My boyfriend insists on seeing his ex-girlfriend socially still which i find hard to deal with. am i being a psychotic jealous bint, or is it reasonable to ask then to stop meeitng. Btw-i have a suspision she is being manipulative and like many a hapless man he can't see her games.

Many thanks,
-- Baire, England

Dear Baire:
Sounds more like you can't see through his games, and if you're allowing them to meeit, you are a psychotic bint!

now if they became friends after their breakup, months before meeting you, then i wouldn't be suspisious about their friendship unless he spends more time with her than with you. but if you two started dating soon after they broke-up, or if you was the reason for their breakup, then you have a problem.

since this is driving you crazy, tell him he has a choice, either you or her. if he wont drop his friendship, break it off with him, then use your free time wisely so the next person you email wont make fun of your writing. i hope this helped!

Technorati: advice, advice blog, advice blogger, counsel, recommendation, recommendations, opinion, opinions, friendship, friendships, relationship, relationships, jealously, boyfriend, boyfriend

How Can I Tell My Girlfriend That She Sucks!

Dear Al:
I love my girlfriend to death, but she can't dance! It's so embarrassing to go clubbing with her! Even her girlfriends keep their distance when we're dancing. Last weekend I pretended that I needed to use the toilet and left her on the dance floor. I was hoping she would go back to our table, but she stayed out there dancing. As I walked off the floor I saw some guys laughing, and one imitated her moves. I pushed the guy, and he pushed me back, then we started to fight! When my girlfriend saw this, she came off the floor, then the bouncers threw us out stating it's all her fault! She then dragged me and her girlfriends (kicking and screaming) to another club!

Al, how can I tell my girlfriend that she can't dance without hurting her feelings? -- Tony, UK

Yo Tony:
Tell her that she sucks!

Look, there is no way around it, her feelings are gona get hurt. If you don't tell her now she will eventually find out, then she'll be even more mad at you for not stopping her from making a fool of herself.

Do you want to see this happen on the dance floor?

I didn't think so!

Filed under: advice, dating, relationship problems, videos, YouTube

Slowly Girls Are Getting Turned Off By Me!

Dear Al:
I'm addicted to online dating, doing it since I started Rumschpringe, my rite of passage into the Amish life, but slowly the girls are getting more and more turned off by me!
The last girl I was suppose to meet at a park for a date, picked up her things as soon as she saw me, and started to walk away. When I called her name, she ran! You know how embarassing that was? I almost crushed my hat!

Since then I'm spending a few extra hours a night online to find the perfect woman, so I don't have to go through that again. Do you have any advice? -- Brother Garb, Intercourse, PA

Dear Garb:
Loose those black clothes, fuckin' shave, and stop calling yourself brother, or I'll crush your hat!

Rumspringa is your time to cut loose, specially if you live in a town called Intercourse! You should be fuckin' everybody, with a hat of course, but not the one on your head!

Just kidding, you know! Last thing you want to catch is an STD, because no one will baptize your ass with a ten foot pole!

Filed under: dating, looking, on-the-internet, relationship-problems

When Should Girls Offer To Pay On A First Date?

Dear Al:
I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm embarrassed to ask my friend this:

When should girls offer to pay on a first date?
--Verrgin Geek =P , Australia

Dear Verrgin:
Not today... not tomorrow... Never! Guys want to pick up the tab, and by you insisting on paying, a guy will take this as a sign that you're not interested in them, or you're retarded. Most females who lose interest in a guy, pay, so they don't feel like they used them. So don't you ever offer to pay, unless you're in a tight relationship with someone.
Hopefully not another Kevin Federline!

Filed under: dating, looking, personal problems, relationship problems