I want to quit lying, but it's hard.

Dear Al:
For the past years I have been lying. Lying so much that all of those revolves me believe every single word that I have said. I want to quit lying, but it's hard. It has turn into a habit. Can you tell me what to do to stopped this lies.
-- Liar, Singapore

Dear Liar:
Shut the fuck up!

I hope this helped.

Wife's Facebook profile states Democrat. Divorcing!

Hey AL:
Tonight I discovered my wife is a freakin' liberal on her Facebook profile. So the love she says she has for me, our relationship, was all a lie! She knows I'm a Republican, so what else could it be. She was desperate! When I talked to her about it, and that I want a divorce, her tearful response would have been genuine if she was a Republican, but we know Democrats are frauds.

Al, I feel kind of sorry for her. Should I give her a chance if she converts parties? She might do it.
-- Matt, Ohio

Dear ASSHOLE:
Divorce her. You'll be doing her a favor.

Can't have her expressing her love for you, specially since she's a liberal. How dare she marry you! And to think, you was happy with her up till now. What were you thinking, Matt?

Army recruiter wont leave me alone

Dear AL:
About a month ago I made a mistake of seeing a certain Army recruiter. After deciding not to join the Army after taking the ASVAB test which I passed with flying colors, this recruiter wont except no for an answer. He's upset for driving me to take this test, but it wasn't like he wasted gas, there were two other potential recruits who came along for the same reason. What made me change my mind? After seeing my test results, he kept stating on the ride back to his office about papers I had to sign. About 10 times, like I'll forget. When I told him my decision back in his office to go to college, he started cursing at me right off the bat, saying I had to join, so I walked out. Since then he calls me almost everyday, threatening me with jail time if I don't report to a MEP's station to enlist!

AL, I'm just starting my life. Can he really send me to jail?
-- Troubled in New York

Dear Troubled:
Taking the ASVAB test doesn't mean you're obligated to join the Army. You wont go to jail if you don't join. Beaves is lying to make his quota to maintain his appearance towards superiors.

I suggest you buy yourself one of those handy dandy digital voice recorders with a telephone recording attachment, and record him next time he calls. Don't let him in on it, let a lawyer break the news to the boy wonder. He will leave you alone, guaranteed.

Kw's: advice, criminal, deceptive, desperate, dishonest, dishonorable, false, forceful, harassment, harassed, liar, lied, misleading, oppressive, overbearing, threatening