My husband obsession with Donkey Kong

Dear AL:
Almost every day my husband plays Donkey Kong since he brought this old arcade machine years ago. It keeps him out of trouble, but it's annoying that he spends more time with that game than me. He beats it every night, but keeps playing because he was told by some asshole about secret levels if he can time Mario's jump just right. I want him to time his jump with me, but he barely talks anymore while he's playing when I try to get his attention. Just holds a finger up, asking for a minute, but he never gets off it! Al, I want my husband back!
-- Andrea, California

Dear Andrea:
Hang a temporary out of order sign on his machine that also states "...can be permanent if you don't fuck me!"

After he jumps your bones, while you have his attention, tell coco there's no secret levels in that game. Back then it was all about quick profits. No one thought of hiding hidden levels in an arcade machine. If he doesn't buy it, there's always the circuit breakers. Good luck!

My husband's best friend's affair... no where to go

Dear AL:
I moved in with my best friend because my husband admitted to an affair. Today my best friend admitted to having an affair with my husband! I can't believe it! She said she's sorry and what sucks is that I have no where to go. My parents live on the other side of the planet. She said I can stay with her but I want to scratch her eyes out! I lost all feeling for both of them, but I need a place to stay. What can I do? I want to trash his car so bad. I still have his spare keys!
-- Gia, Pennsylvania

Dear Gia:
Don't trash his car! Maybe squish grilled cheese under his seats, but don't thrash his car.

Look, he cheated, so go home and kick his ass out! You shouldn't be the one to move. I know it wont be easy staying at a place you shared with your husband... just deal with it until you find yourself another place. Longest you'll be in jail is a couple of days if you damage his car, then where are you going to live?

My gay mom wont accept my gay marriage

Dear AL:
My mom is gay, has a girlfriend, but told me to divorce my gay partner I married in California before the Prop. 8 ban. She says it violates the sanctity of marriage between a man and woman for procreation. Wants me to marry a man. She's very religious, and keeps her homosexuality under wraps.

Now I don't care how she runs her life. How can I get her to accept mines?
-- Upset in California

Dear Upset:
Your mom is living a lie, and until she accepts who she is, she will not accept your marriage, even if you were to get artificially inseminated by David Hasselhoff. Ew...

Go on with your life, and don't count on your mom to come around in the near future, that's unless her double life is discovered. But more than likely she'll repent like Ted Haggard... become cured *cough*, but remain a heterosexual with issues. :-P

Think of your girl.

Kw's: proposition 8, closet, religious fanatic, position

My Husbands affair with best friend. We have 2 children!

Dear AL:
My husband had an affair with my best friend. He says he didn't sleep with her, but he wont stop communicating with her. We have 2 children! HELP!
-- Cassie --

Dear Cassie:
I don't know of an affair where sex wasn't involved, that's unless numbnuts really has numb nuts, then he might be telling the truth. If you just want to save your marriage because of your two children, then it sounds like you have a business relationship, which is probably why he cheated. I'm not saying it's your fault. It takes two to make a marriage work, or not.

You can try marriage counseling, but if he doesn't want to try that, talk to him. Find out what's lacking in your relationship that he seems to be getting from your girlfriend, and not just sex. If he doesn't want to talk about it, then do what's best for your children... divorce. Don't put your kids through an unhappy marriage. It will effect them when they're adults.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, best friend, cheater, cheating spouse, children, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

My Husband's affair with a girl at the gym

Dear AL:
My Christmas present for 2008 was learning of an affair my husband was having with a girl at the gym. He continued the affair by purchasing "pay as you go" phones to eliminate any phone records - I found his phone. He says he has discontinued the affair but continues to go to the same gym, at the same time she goes, and refuses to change. There are other alternatives and times for him to go.

Am I making too much of this, or should I follow my gut instinct and file for divorce.
--Devastated and Pissed in NY

Dear Devastated:
You're not making enough of this... divorce his sorry ass. If he discontinued this affair, why doesn't he go to a different gym to give you peace of mind? Hell, he might do just that when you threaten him with a divorce, but who's to say she wont follow him there to continue their workout? Do you really want to deal with this, not knowing if he's being faithful? Always having this on the back of your mind "Is he telling me the truth, or spotting her?" Do yourself a favor and save yourself the stress. Divorce him! If he doesn't care about your feelings now, he will continue to play with your head, guaranteed.

Life is too short and may become shorter if he infects you with Aids. Think about that. Take care of yourself.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

Wife's Facebook profile states Democrat. Divorcing!

Hey AL:
Tonight I discovered my wife is a freakin' liberal on her Facebook profile. So the love she says she has for me, our relationship, was all a lie! She knows I'm a Republican, so what else could it be. She was desperate! When I talked to her about it, and that I want a divorce, her tearful response would have been genuine if she was a Republican, but we know Democrats are frauds.

Al, I feel kind of sorry for her. Should I give her a chance if she converts parties? She might do it.
-- Matt, Ohio

Dear ASSHOLE:
Divorce her. You'll be doing her a favor.

Can't have her expressing her love for you, specially since she's a liberal. How dare she marry you! And to think, you was happy with her up till now. What were you thinking, Matt?

Best friend's husband had an affair with my husband

Dear AL:
This is not easy, but i can't keep this bottled in. Last night i found out that my husband has been having an affair with my best friend's husband. MY BEST FRIEND'S HUSBAND! I discovered this when i returned home early last Friday from a girl's night out. When i saw my husband wasn't in the living room, i heard the shower going, so i went to see him. When i pulled the curtain open, i saw my best friend's husband instead. After we both said hi, i asked him what he was doing here, and he said he was taking a shower. I then walked over to my bedroom since i heard our Wii playing, and as soon as i walked in my husband screamed. He screamed like a little girl! I then asked him what's going on and he started to cry, giving no excuses. We haven't talked since that day.

I then put 2 and 2 together, from his slightly fruity cologne he started wearing last summer, the tiny heart tattoo on his butt which i wouldn't have never known existed if he hadn't slipped on the bathroom floor. And now the shower and his scream.

When we married 3 years ago, he was straight! At least i thought he was. How could this have happened?
- Mariam

Dear Mariam:
They must have watched Brokeback Mountain.

I would recommend marriage counseling, but since he's morphed into this other guys bitch, it would be a waste of time. He probably had these feelings before you met, but due to his upbringing, he couldn't be himself, so he needed a front. You. It could have been Brokeback Mountain like, and from what you wrote above, he was probably the character who initiated this affair. He wasn't Heath Ledger!

I know this hurts, but you have to divorce your husband. Don't waste your time with this relationship. Take care of yourself.

Out of curiousity, how couldn't you notice the tattoo on his butt?

Note: The above image "Brokeback Mountain Sims" is by fanseelamb.
http://www.wonderlandblog.com/wonderland/

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, best friend, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

Husband text girl 3000 times, 45 a day.

Dear AL:
My husband and I got married in January after ten years together and two kids. We were part of a group of friends and he got close to a female in the group which I didn't like. He told me I was being silly. End of August I proved he had been texting and calling her for months - over 3000 text sent - 45 a day average. I threw him out. Was pregnant with number three. She swans around like she done nothing wrong. Drives me mad. Sick of both of them. What to do?
-- kiwimummy, London

Dear kiwimummy:
You did the right thing kicking numb nuts to the curb, just make sure he takes care of his responsibility towards your children.

About the biatch your husband's been text messaging, does she still hang out with your other friends, which is why you still see her around?
Did they know this was going on behind your back? Were they clueless? Maybe you should talk to your friends, minus the textards, to weed out the traitors.

Update: I found out more about who this BIATCH is, just too bad you didn't make copies of your husbands online phone records to send to that girls husband as a Christmas present, but you can still tell him verbally, as well as the other moms at the school. Just don't mess with her husband, even if he insists to get back at her. He might be carrying something she gave him from another textard.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

Best friend had an affair with my husband

Dear AL:
Last week my best friend told me that she's been having an affair with my husband for over 3 months. I've asked her why she did this, and she said she was stupid, but wished it never happened because my husband wont leave her alone. Not because she betrayed our friendship, felt bad, or was afraid she would get caught. Asshole wouldn't leave this bitch alone, so she called it quits. She then said sorry, and asked if I could tell him to leave her alone and if I want to go clubbing with her. I was speachless. It's like, hey, I've been fucking your man, you want to help me find more? I just walked away.

The same day after throwing my husband out with the help of my brothers, I bumped into my exfriend at a grocery store, and she told me she will pick me up Friday to go out, so be ready. I was so enraged, when she wasn't looking, I hit her with a bunch of bananas. Should have hit her with the green ones!

She calls me almost everyday trying to appologize for what she done, but I just can't talk. I've destroyed one of my phones because of her. My other friends are helping me through this, just wish this traitor leave me alone. What can I do to get her off my back?
-- Lost for words, Canada

Dear Lost:
You need to speak up. Tell this beotch she can shove her friendship, and if that doesn't work, just keep giving her the finger. Beats attacking her with bananas and other groceries. Think of the money you save.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

She cheated, but says I'm being unreasonable

Dear AL:
So I found out my wife was having an affair a couple of months ago and I really do not think she understands the impact this has had on me. She says she is sorry and she says she understands but here is a perfect example of why I don't feel she does. I have tried to explain to her how I feel but she says I am being unreasonable. One of us seems to be suffering from a little bit of cognitive dissonance but I am just not too sure if it is her or me.

We live in a pretty small town and about 10 minutes away is another town which is on the water and very popular, touristy, etc. We used to go there to take the dogs for walks in nice weather, for dinner every few months, in fact I proposed to her on the downtown docks on 4th of July about 5 years ago. Well I found out recently that she had been having an affair and it was with a police officer for that small city. She wants to go there for this years 4th of july and I explained to her that I was not necessarly comfortable with this because I do not want us to run into this person. The fact is I wouldn't even know if I were standing next to him and I am sure I would wonder if "that is the guy" with every police office I saw. She has lied to me telling me he no longer works there, which he does. She mentioned that she thinks it is a small chance of running into him, I disagree, it is the 4th of July so I am sure that all will be working. She threw at me that "this is where we got engaged, do you mean we can never go there again"

I don't think she understand how I feel about any of this, especially considering this is where we got engaged! She is making me feel like the bad guy and that I am being ridiculous. She was very upset with me when I tried to explain to her that "I didn't think I felt comfortable going downtown this 4th of July" or really any time for that matter right now.

Am I really being out of line here?
-- Hurt, US

Dear Hurt:
You're not out of line, your cheating wife is, and I hate to break this to ya, she'll probably cheat again, that's if she hasn't hooked up with that towns police force already. Noticed any cuff marks?

Look, who knows if she's still a ho. Just remember, she lied to ya, and doesn't seem to care about your feelings about her adultress past, just what she wants. Tell her again about how you feel, but if she keeps insisting on that town, take her up on it and see how many times her eyes wonder, like she's searching for a badge. If so, it's time to let her go. Don't waste another 5 years of your life with a girl who's interested in someone else. You can do better!

Relationship counseling has been successful in cases of marital infidelity. Bring this up and see if she would like to try it, but if she loses her mind, move on! It will hurt, but not as bad if she brings home Herpes.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

Had an affair with my best friend's husband

Dear AL:
I had an affair with my best friend's husband two weeks ago, which I'm very sorry about. The way it happened, my best friend Dawn gave me a call and told me she was sick, and asked if I could go to her husbands hangout to keep an eye on him. I did her this favor, and found him playing pool with his friends at this place. He wasn't doing anything wrong when I found him, but since I drank so much, he talked me into slow dancing, and the next thing I know we're kissing. Somehow he ended up at my place and we had sex!

Since then he calls me almost everyday, asking when he could see me again. This past weekend I stayed at a girlfriends house out of fear he would stop by. And earlier today he called, but I let my answering machine pickup while on speaker. He said he loves me!

Al, how do I get out of this? I want to tell my best friend, but I keep wimping out.
-- In Trouble, Canada

Dear Trouble:
Somehow he ended up at your place to have sex? Don't you hate it when that happens?

Look, stop dragging this out, and tell your best friend! She's gona find out sooner or later, specially if her husband keeps calling you. He will slip up guaranteed, or probably tell your best friend that he loves you. And somehow her fist is gona end up in your face. That happens too you know.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

He doesn't have sentimental values

Dear AL:
My husband is a good man, but he doesn't have any sentimental values. He's thrown out stuff he's had as a kid, like an easel his grandmother gave him when he was a teenager 30 years ago. His easel broke, so instead of fixing it since it was fixable, he threw it out and brought a new one. You know how I feel about his lack of emotional associations that most people have about things? I'm afraid his desk might be next that I brought for his birthday 10 years ago!
-- Meagan, Canada

Dear Meagan:
He'll probably just throw out the lamp.

Melissa, I love you

Dear AL:
I don't know how I made it this past Christmas and New Years without the love of my life. She died of breast cancer two years ago. Your blog has always made me laugh, I just hope you don't mind posting this short message for her.

Melissa, I love you. You will always be in my heart. Can't wait for the day we're together again!

Love,
Mike - Oklahoma

I am frustrated!

Dear AL:
I have been married for 7 years but have known him since 10 years. After marriage he is just not interested in sex. He cites tiredness and financial problems. I am frustated. We have two kids. Should I divorce him? The kids love him. Please help. He threatens to leave us if I bring up this issue. He will not go for counseling also. I have now started name calling and things are worse. please help.
-- Archie, India

Dear Archie:
First off, are you female? If so, excuse me.

Not sure what the laws are in India. Just don't want to be responsible if the authorities have your head chopped off, but I don't want to leave you hanging either.

Stop with the cursing, take care of yourself physically, and when he comes around because you look like the Bollywood star Juhi Chawla, hand him the divorce papers. Watch how fast he'll plead for forgiveness for a little putay, which would be even more reason to leave this fool!

If you have no time to workout, or you're already a knockout, be kind and do things together with him to get his mind off his problems. If after a few weeks of this he's still the same, divorce his ass! Why waste your time with someone who threatens to leave you because you want to f-ck? Life is short!

Before you make your decision, you need to know what you're getting into when it comes to divorce in India. The information from the link below was published in 1997, so the laws might have changed:
http://www.english.emory.edu/Bahri/Divorce.html

I hoped this helped!

He's never interested in having sex

Dear AL:
I have a typical problem and unable to decide myself...I am from India, I had many problems with my first husband as he was a big psycho so ended up the relation after 2 years, later I took some break and got married, and I am so upset with my fate that I again failed in my second marriage.....since we got married he is never interested in having sex...I dont understand whats his problem but he enjoys all bulshit on internet...I one day asked him not to cheat me anymore and if he open ups problems can be solved together by visting pshycian, he is not ready to accept and have become wild at me...I am not happy with whats going on...the thought that I failed again is making me very depressed....can you help me please!
-- Nagma

Dear Nagma:
Maybe your husband can't get it up. Years of inactivity, just sitting behind his computer probably made him Impotent, or he's an asshole.

If you ment that he physically hurt you when you stated wild above, it's time to get a divorce. Why stay with someone who loves his computer more than you? He doesn't want help and doesn't respect you. Being alone is not bad compared to being with someone who makes you feel alone. Many people just want to get married so they wont be alone which is the worse mistake they can make. If there is no love in a marriage it's sure to fail, sometimes even after both parties agree to marriage counseling. When you're not looking for love, respecting yourself and enjoying life, love will find you. Nagma, take care of yourself and leave this loser ASAP! Life is too short! Make yourself happy!

His Shoplifting Is Too Much!

Dear AL:
I'm married to the most wonderful man on the planet who is a compulsive shoplifter. Everytime we go shopping he has to steal something, usually gum or a candy bar. Yesterday he went big time and shoplifted a salami. A freakin' Salami! When we got into our car he laughed and said "look at this" while unzipping his fly. I yelled at him to wait till we're home, but he said "this can't wait", and pulled out a salami! At first it was funny until he pulled out a pack of beef jerky, and then I lost it! Al, I love my husband, but his shoplifting is too much! How can I make him stop?
-- Anne, UK

Dear Anne:
Did you eat the salami?

***Get your minds out of the gutter, people!***

Anne, I'm sure you talked with your husband about his problem, but this time you really need to put your foot down. Your husband might be suffering from a psychological disorder like depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, Bi-Polar disorder, impulse control disorder, or maybe he's just a plain dumbass. I suggest you give him a choice to either seek professional help or divorce.

He'll never make it past the casheir with a roast beef down his pants. Think about that!

Putting Out More Than The Average Married Woman

Dear AL:
I'm certainly no prude but I have a friend who, let's just say, is putting a little more out there on the internet than the average married woman normally would.
She's the talk of the town and it is only a matter of time before her husband finds out. She's my friend and she doesn't seem too concerned. Should I be concerned for her or just forget it? -- Not A Prude

Dear Prude:
I mean, Dear Not!

Sounds like your friend is bored at home, unhappy with her marriage, or is addicted to Half-Nekkid Thursday "HNT", which isn't a bad thing unless her husband finds out. Talk to your friend, let her know you're concerned, right after you send me the link to her blog! ;)

Wifey, I'm just kidding!

This is gona be my last bit of advice for a while. I removed the email form from the sidepanel. Thanks for reading my blog and your submissions people! Take care!

Filed under: advice, friendships, on the internet

My wife is a Ho!

Dear al:
My wife is a HO! Every weekend she goes out clubbing with her girlfriends, but I know she's window shopping! Last week I found a phone number on the floor by our jackets! Al, how can I get her to stay home with me, watch a movie, and cuddle? I have a small penis, but that can't be the problem, because I know how to use it!
-- Josh, North Carolina

Dear Josh:
Happy to hear that you're proficient with your pecker, but why do you want the world to know? Hoping your wife reads your message to remind her how good she has it at home? I'm not Dr. Ruth!

First you have to stop calling your wife a ho, even if she is. Then you need to get out, take your wife to dinner, dancing, drinking, do something crazy, but still let her hang out with her friends. You'll have plenty of time to cuddle when you come home wasted, plus your tiny penis might get some play! I hope this helped!

Getting Married In 20 Minutes!

Dear Al:
In about 20 minutes I'm getting married, but I'm so nerves! Nobody from my family is gona be at our wedding since my fiancee told them not to come, but that's because she said that her parents didn't have enough money for the party afterwards since they already arranged it for 500 of her family. Everything is going according to my future bride's plans, and the suit she brought for me looks great, but something doesn't feel right! I don't want to be nerves at the alter of our wedding, she'll kill me!

Al, I would really appreciate some last minute advice, but please make it short! Thanks!
-- Dominic, El Paso, Texas

Dear Dominic:
Run!

Comments closed on posts older than 2 weeks.

My Husband and the Babsitter

Dear Al:
I am married to my husband for over 7 years, and we never had any problems up until now. Shortly after we hired our neighbors 20 year old daughter to babsit our two children, I caught her performing oral sex on my husband! I immediately fired her and told my husband that he has 3 days to find a new place! He then told me he was sorry and asked for my forgiveness, so I gave him a second chance, and he rehired our neighbors daughter to babsit again.

Did I do the right thing?
-- Confused, Tennessee


Dear Confused:
Babsit? Ok readers, I'm gona let this mistake slide, but it would've been good!

Anyway, if I was in your shoes, I would have kicked his ass to the curb from the start! And if he begs to come back, I would give him the option to walk and quack like a duck for 3 hours everyday, up and down the neighborhood for a whole week, or divorce! I made a fool of myself one time, and he can too!

Your husband is not sorry for what he did, or that tramp wouldn't be in your house! Fire her ass again, tell him to pull his head out of his ass, and if he starts bitching, you know what to do! Good luck!