Backyard Litter Box

Dear Al:
My garden has a pest problem, the neighborhood cats! They turned my garden into their personal litter box! I've tried every trick in the book to repel them, spent hundreds of dollars on various repellents, but they keep coming back. Part of the problem is that my wife likes these cats, because she regularly feeds them when we should be stomping their little heads!

Today after I discovered that a cat peed on my sneakers, since I left them on my terrace, I decided to take them out once and for all, with my sons b-b gun from our second floor window, but my wife foiled my plans when she caught me setting up. If you have any ideas on how to repel these pests, I would greatly appreciate it!
-- BEN, GEORGIA

Dear Ben:
First off, violence never solves anything. How would you like it if one of those cats stomped on your head? It wouldn't feel good now, would it?

Anyway, I had the same problem a few years back, but I discovered a fullproof way to repel these little stray bastards. First become friendly with them, feed them a few times, and when they get use to you, looking up at you waiting to be fed, pee on them. The last person I gave these instructions peed his pants, so make sure you follow each step carefully. Nothing is worse than having the neighborhood cats thinking you're a moron, then you will never get rid of them!

To solve the problem with your wife feeding these pests, wait until she has a stuffed up nose, then put her shoes on the terrace over the weekend so the cats can piss on them, and place them back so she wears them to work Monday morning. Works every time! But if it doesn't work this time, and you find your ass out in the street, write Dear Abby.

Good luck!

Blogger 101, Dawn (aka Webmiztris)

Today readers we're gona learn about
Dawn (aka Webmiztris).

Dawn is a friend, a very beautiful unrefined sarcastic blogger, that when she states
"I doubt he say it go in", you better believe it! Because when she doubts he say it, she doubts he say it! That's how it's gona be, no corrections!


No... no... Dawn is not handicap! She just doubts he say it go in, that's all!

If you want to learn more about Dawn, and what she doubts he say,
go visit her blog! But be careful, Dawn could rub off on ya, then you be doubting he say it too!

Dawn's Blog: Tiny Voices In My Head <--Explains everything, but visit her anyway, and maybe you'll be my next victim subject for Blogger 101!

Goo-goo-head husband using baby talk!

Dear Al:
My husband insists on using baby talk with our 9 month old daughter, and he sounds like a freakin idiot! But what bothers me the most is that my daughter is repeating the same crap, which means that if my husband would talk normal with her, our daughter would know a alot of words by now! When my daughter talks with his baby talk, she thinks it really means something, which is so cute, but also pisses me off!

Yesterday morning I tried to show him what Dear Abby and some of her readers had to say about this in our local newspaper, but he said he didn't care, and went all Googly on me!

Al, what can I do about my husband?
-- Nicole, Aviano Air Base, Italy

Dear Nicole:
Try talking to your husband using his baby talk for a week, and maybe he will get the picture, or have you commited. Either way you wont hear his baby talk anymore, and if your daughter turns into a permanent Goo-Goo-Head, she could run for President!

Who's So Vain?

Dear Al:
I've been racking my brains on this forever, so I hope you can help me on this one! Who is Carly Simon referring to in the song "You're So Vain"? The song came out in 1973 right after Simon married James Taylor, but she had been involved with Warren Beatty, Mick Jagger, Cat Stevens, and Kris Kristofferson before her marriage.


At first like many people I thought the song was about Warren Beatty, but then I discovered that Mick Jagger was singing in the background, but I thought that would be to easy. Why would she create a song with Mick Jagger singing in the background if it was about him? I don't know much about Kris Krsitofferson, but I just can't see Cat Stevens being Vain, unless he's good at secluding it.
So tell me, from the people mentioned above, who was Carly referring to in her song "You're So Vain"?
-- Kim, Rivedale, New York City

Dear Kim:
I promised Carly not to say a word, but since your in desperate need to know, I'll tell you. Carly was singing about me! You see, me and Carly were friends in 1972, and since I was just a toddler, I wasn't gona get tied down at that young age. So I told Carly "Listen babe, this is not gona work, plus I know you're making a song about me". But she didn't say a word, just gave me that big grin of hers, so I knew I was right!

Now promise not to tell anybody what I just told you, it's a secret!

Jules Meme Stopper

Dear AL:
About 2 to 3 times a week my blog friends tag me to do their Meme's, or Meme's they find on the internet, and it's getting on my nerves! I can understand if they decide to do a Meme because they find it fun, or have nothing to post, but why do they have to drag me and others into doing them? I've been a good egg and done everyone I've been tagged to do, but I had enough!

How can I tell my friends to remove me from their Meme tag hit list? Please don't add my URL to this post, some of my readers might find it.
-- Trudy, Alabama

Dear Trudy:
Why don't you tell your friends to stop tagging you? If that's a problem then post this Jules Meme Stopper I created on your blog, the code is below it for you to copy.

The path of the righteous is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of Memes. Blessed are they who in the name of common sense and goodwill, keep these damn Memes to themselves, for they are truly their brother's keeper and a finder of lost brain cells. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to tag me with a freakin Meme!

Cut and paste this code into your post:
<a href="http://dear-al.blogspot.com/2006/03/jules-meme-stopper.html"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1787/2191/1600/jules_meme_stopper.jpg" border="0" alt="jules meme stopper" /></a>The path of the righteous is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of Memes. Blessed are they who in the name of common sense and goodwill, keep these damn Memes to themselves, for they are truly their brother's keeper and a finder of lost brain cells. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to tag me with a freakin Meme!<br /><br /><a href="http://dear-al.blogspot.com/2006/03/jules-meme-stopper.html">Jules Meme Stopper by Dear AL</a>

If you want to make sure your friends don't forget, add this Jules Meme Stopper on your blogs sidepanel:

I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to tag me with a Damn Meme!

Cut and paste this code into your blogs sidepanel:
<table><tr><td width="240"><a href="http://dear-al.blogspot.com/2006/03/jules-meme-stopper.html"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1787/2191/1600/jules_meme_stopper_2.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to tag me with a Damn Meme!</td></tr></table>

This should solve everybody's problem, but if not, go Pulp Fiction on their arse!

*** Nonviolent Meme Stoppers coming soon! ***