How can I stop liberal drivers speeding in my neighborhood?

Dear AL:
I have two children, an eight year old and a five year old and I'm constantly worried about liberal speeders who pass through my neighborhood. My 8 year old's friends live just across the street, and he knows the rules to look both way before he crosses, but I escort him across out of fear of those crazy liberal drivers. I also fear for my safety as well as my childs since they drive so fast. Is there anything I can do to stop these liberal maniacs?

Vicki, Danger Road, surrounded by liberals

Dear Vicki:
Liberals? How do you know they're not Teabaggers?

Look, attend your next community council meeting and make a request for speed bumps. The speed bumps will also inconvenience you as well as your neighbors, but think of your family's safety. Even with speed bumps you should still cross the street with your child until these morons get use to these gentle reminders.

Just don't build your own, it's against the law!

Parents complain about my boyfriend. Running away!

Dear AL:
I'm so sick of my parents telling me what to do or complaining about what I do. Sit up straight... Don't wear that... You're on the internet too much... What's with you and your cell phone?... I can just scream!

They're now complaining about my boyfriend because he dropped out of school and doesn't have a job. My parents seem to forget that Dad was like that from what they told me, and he turned out great. What makes them think they're better than my boyfriend?

Me and my boyfriend are thinking about running away. We're only 16, but we're strong and in love. Any advice will be greatly appreciated since we'll be on our own.
--Tracy in hell

Dear Tracy:
The only advice I can give you is to stay home. You have two more years until you graduate High School, don't throw that away. During this time until you graduate you can carefully plan your great escape. Go to college. Join the Peace Corps. Move into your boyfriend's box. What ever!

Your parents are doing what all parents do. Parenting. And you know what, millions of teenagers have survived this. Your parents already experienced what your boyfriend will experience for being a dropout, so of course they're concerned that you're interested in him. I would be too if you was my daughter.

If your boyfriend is so strong, why couldn't he finish High School? I can understand if he has a learning disability, but if he has problems at home, then he needs to seek help from a school counselor.

Stay strong. Don't run away. I'm sure you've heard this before, but one day you'll be a parent. Hopefully not pushing your kid around in a box.

Two year old daughter doesn't like me

Dear AL:
My 2 year old daughter told me today that she doesn't like me. At breakfast, right after I spilled a little milk on her while pouring it into her cereal she said "Mommy, mommy, I don't like you." You wont believe how shock I was to hear this coming from her mouth. When I started to dry her she said with a smile "mommy, I'm K," followed with a frown "I don't like you." I then ran to the kitchen and started to cry.

I'm afraid the accident with the milk has embedded this thought towards me. What can I do?
-- Jasmine, Ohio

Dear Jasmine:
Give her a cookie.

Hey, your daughter is young, and I'm sure she loves you. Kids say the funniest things when they're that age, so don't worry about it.

They're gonna let me go!

Dear AL:
Since I answered a company questionnaire about the everyday problems of working parents, higher up has been giving me the cold shoulder. Everyday the workload has been getting less and less to the point I have to look for it. My supervisor told me I'm slacking yesterday, the very same man who's been holding work from me the last two weeks stating he's trying to help. And today I found out they're gonna let me go! They set me up!

I've gave this company 200%. Is there anything I can do at this stage?
-- Abby, New York

Dear Abby:
Contact the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission in your area and file charges. Since this company paid you for nothing, they might as well pay you millions while you're kicked back sunbathing behind your new summer home. Maybe that was their plan all along. What a company!

To help you along, I provided below the contact information for the EEOC New York district office. I hope this helped!

33 Whitehall Street
New York, New York 10004

Phone: 1-800-669-4000
Fax: 212-336-3790
TTY: 1-800-669-6820

Director, Spencer H. Lewis, Jr.
Regional Attorney, Elizabeth Grossman

Office Hours: The New York District Office is open Monday-Friday from 8:30 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. Intake hours are Monday - Friday, from 8:30am to 3:00 pm.

He says it's for her own good

DearAL:
Our 8 year old daughter is slightly over weight, but due to proper nutrition and exercise she's lost alot, but not enough to my husband. Almost everyday after work he yanks her from her little friends and makes her walk on a kids treadmill he brought a month ago. You wont believe how much she cries, but he says it's for her own good.

Al, we don't need this machine. Any way to convince him?
-- Amy, Oregon

Dear Amy:
No SEX! But if that doesn't work, break it. Take it outside and smash it on the pavement. Use a hammer if you have to. The treadmill, not his penis!

Walking on a treadmill is nothing compared to running, jumping, and bike riding. Your daughter needs to be outside getting fresh air and exercise playing with her friends, not walking on a treadmill like an old woman. You're doing a great job with your daughter. Do what you have to do so he doesn't screw up her life.

My Wifes Scheme, Candy Cigarettes

Dear AL:
My wife constantly buys our youngest candy cigarettes, like what she did with our daughter who is now an addicted teenage smoker! My wife tells me it's harmless, but I figured out her sick scheme, bum off cigarettes from our kids! Yep, that's what she's been doing with our teenage daughter while pretending to have quit! Everyday my wife disappears to my daughters room for a smoke! I caught her dozens of times! Since our daughter announced two weeks ago that she's moving out, my wife has been buying our son two packs of these cigarrette candies a day! WTF!

Al, I'm thinking about getting a divorce if ass breath doesn't cut this shit out! Help!
-- Kevin, Texas

Dear Kevin:
Ass breath... I mean your wife is one sick bitch! Don't just think about it, threaten her with divorce and custody of your son if she doesn't stop buying these candies! Tell her to seek help, like a good shrink, and take your son to a dentist, pronto!

The American Cancer Society "Kick the Habit" info recommends the following suggestions to smokers on their quiting day:

* Do not smoke. "Like, no duh!"
* Get rid of all cigarettes, lighters, ashtrays, and any other items related to smoking.
* Keep active—try walking, exercising, or doing other activities or hobbies.
* Drink lots of water and juices.
* Begin using nicotine replacement if that is your choice.
* Attend stop smoking class or start following a self-help plan.
* Avoid situations where the urge to smoke is strong.
* Reduce or avoid alcohol.

I hope this helped!

I'm Not Raising Him!

Dear Al:
Since we've moved into the neighborhood, my 4 year old daughter befriended an annoying little brat her age that keeps visiting us! Besides talking with a speech impediment that sounds like someone scratching a chalkboard, this boy doesn't listen. Everytime he does something idiotic, I have to tell this moron about half a dozen times to stop while he's looking at me with this stupid smile on his face that makes me want to kick his parents ass! His parents don't give a damn about him, which is why I let this kid in sometimes so he wont play in the streets alone! Did I mention this marvel is just 4 years old?!!!

Al, I know it's not the kids fault he acts like an animal, but I'm not gona raise him! HELP!
-- Matt, UK

Dear Matt:
This kids a moron? Who's the one baby sitting him? Duh!

Listen Beavis, instead of complaining to me, how about complaining to the authorities about these neglectful parents! The only moron here is you if you can't figure this out for yourself.

Visit NSPCC, UK's free online specialised child protection resource.

She Wouldn't Listen!

Dear Al:
For years I've been teaching my daughter right from wrong, that some boys just want only one thing, but she wouldn't listen.
My teenage daughter turned into every boys dream, a plaything with accessories.
She had a different boyfriend almost every other month for over 3 years, but none for the last 6 months since she's pregnant with a baby girl.

AL, my daughter told me to write you, do you have any advice?
-- Dawn, Paris, France

Dear Easy:
Do you know who the father is? Of course you do! It was Frédéric, Fabio, Leon, Serge, Pierre, and the rest of France!

Don't start that crap again with dating the city of Paris right after your daughter is born! Learn how to be alone until the right guy comes along, unless you prefer being their plaything, then more power to you, and babies!

Why doesn't Dear Abby give me advice?

Dear AL:
For the last few weeks I've been writting Dear Abby about a problem, but she's hasn't gave me any advice! My sons girlfriend moved into our place, and I told him that it's not a good idea, but he brushed me off with a laugh. At first it didn't look like it was gona be a problem, until I came home one day and caught my son and her smoking weed in the livingroom while playing a game on the TV, throwing chips at each other. I then told them to clean up their mess, and to stop smoking weed, but he laughed at me, called me a Dork, and went to his room.

I don't appreciate my son talking to me like that, and the fact that Dear Abby is not repsonding. My son and his girlfriend think I'm stupid asking for advice, but I don't care!

Any ideas on how to get Dear Abby's attention? This is serious!
-- John, Idaho

Dear John:
You seriously want me to help you get intouch with Dear Abby? Are you on Crack?!!! Don't make me call you a Dork!

I don't know your situation, if you're disabled or not, but your son is living under your roof, not the other way around!

No warnings! When your son is not around, grab all his shit, and his girlfriends, and throw it out! You sound like you might need a little help, so ask your friends for assistance. Then have a BBQ with your friends, and enjoy the look on your son's and girlfriends faces as they discover their Playstation asses are out in the street! Good luck!

Goo-goo-head husband using baby talk!

Dear Al:
My husband insists on using baby talk with our 9 month old daughter, and he sounds like a freakin idiot! But what bothers me the most is that my daughter is repeating the same crap, which means that if my husband would talk normal with her, our daughter would know a alot of words by now! When my daughter talks with his baby talk, she thinks it really means something, which is so cute, but also pisses me off!

Yesterday morning I tried to show him what Dear Abby and some of her readers had to say about this in our local newspaper, but he said he didn't care, and went all Googly on me!

Al, what can I do about my husband?
-- Nicole, Aviano Air Base, Italy

Dear Nicole:
Try talking to your husband using his baby talk for a week, and maybe he will get the picture, or have you commited. Either way you wont hear his baby talk anymore, and if your daughter turns into a permanent Goo-Goo-Head, she could run for President!

Crying Baby Taking Toll On Us

Dear Al:
Since I've gave birth to my son, he wont stop crying! He cries all day and all night without a break, and it's taking a toll on us. The only time he doesn't cry is when he's naked, but I can't have him running around the house like that all day, because he poops nonstop. Looking forward to your help.
-- TIFFANY, ALABAMA

Dear Tiffany: (1st victim)
I'm no doctor, but it sounds like your baby is suffering from tight diaper syndrome, where the parent unknowingly puts on diapers too tight. To see if your one of those parents, put a diaper on your head, and if you can't think, it's too tight!