Swine Flu: Daughter Afraid of Guinea Pig

Dear Al:
Since my 7 year old daughter found out about the Swine Flu, and that it came from pigs, she doesn't want to play with her guinea pig anymore. I tried to explain to her that she doesn't have to worry about getting sick from Simon, her guinea pig, but she keeps telling me it's also a pig, and if I knew that he didn't come from Guinea? And you know what, I didn't. After I gave her a hug, she slowly walked away, and looked at Simon from a distance saying goodbye to him. I almost cried! What can I do to show her that she doesn't have to worry about getting sick from him?
-- Judith, Wyoming

Dear Judith:
Remind her that her guinea pig is a rodent, so there is no way she will catch the swine flu from him. And if that doesn't work, take her and her guinea pig to the vet for a check-up. I'm sure they will be more than happy to help you quench her fear.

Tell your daughter about the media assholes who are making a mountain out of a mole hill about this virus. They prey on fear to boast ratings to attract sponsors who are all just looking to make a profit. Good luck trying to explain that sentence.

Kw's: H1N1, H1N2, H3N1, H3N2, H2N3, SIV, hog, influenza, C, A, seasonal, pandemic

Chemtrails instant clouds over Germany! Worried they might trigger Swine Flu!

Dear AL:
This morning when I took my kids to school, I noticed those white planes spraying Chemtrails on the only patch of blue sky. Most of them parallel, with a few crossing them since that patch of blue sky was narrow. I also noticed before reaching the end of the only blue sky those planes turned off their trails, proving they were chemtrails. Germany has admitted to doing this. Anyway, it usually takes some time before they turn into clouds, usually up to half an hour. This time it took a few minutes and it's freakin' me out! Either they're desperately trying to save us from solar flares using nano technology to speed cloud formation along, but I can't stop thinking about the WHO predictions of a Swine Flu pandemic, specially since 20 minutes after they sprayed it made it to ground level! How's it that suppose to protect us from the sun? Is this the trigger for the mother of all pandemics? Killing us with our tax dollars? My friends keeping joking with me stating world leaders just want to put us out of our misery so we don't have to witness the implosion of Earth due to collisions at CERN's LHC in Geneva. They might be on to something there and not even know it! Al, what can we do?
-- Heidi, Bamberg, Germany

Dear Heidi:
Lock you up!

Ok... I can see chemtrails in the atmosphere to protect us from cosmic rays, but to cause a global holocaust by purposely weakening our immune system? You must be on crack! I would seriously seek professional help if I was you. Your friends might put you out of your misery if you start shouting it's to cover an incoming asteroid. Hell... maybe that's what's really going on. I hope your bunker is well stocked.

On second thought, you're going to get squashed. Never mind. :-)