Watched YouTube videos of fat belly girls... Jealous

Dear AL:
For as long as I can remember I have always loved fat bellies. I have always watched youtube videos of girls playing with their own. I became jealous. I want to know how I could get a bigger belly as soon as possible.
--Savannah, Florida

Dear Savannah:
You're kidding, right?

Darling, having a belly isn't what it's crack up to be. It might look great to you, but eventually it will droop looking like an oversized fanny pack. According to a new study from Boston University School of Medicine, besides heart attacks and heart disease, having excess fat around the Abdomen may shrink your brain boosting your risk of dementia. Those girls showing off their kegs on YouTube is a prime example.

Love yourself as you are, but if by chance you gain weight, try to keep it under control to save whatever brain cells you have left. Spare YouTube, the world another jelly performance. Please!

Boston University School of Medicine Study:
Reference link

WebMD reporting on Boston study:
Reference link

Swine Flu: Daughter Afraid of Guinea Pig

Dear Al:
Since my 7 year old daughter found out about the Swine Flu, and that it came from pigs, she doesn't want to play with her guinea pig anymore. I tried to explain to her that she doesn't have to worry about getting sick from Simon, her guinea pig, but she keeps telling me it's also a pig, and if I knew that he didn't come from Guinea? And you know what, I didn't. After I gave her a hug, she slowly walked away, and looked at Simon from a distance saying goodbye to him. I almost cried! What can I do to show her that she doesn't have to worry about getting sick from him?
-- Judith, Wyoming

Dear Judith:
Remind her that her guinea pig is a rodent, so there is no way she will catch the swine flu from him. And if that doesn't work, take her and her guinea pig to the vet for a check-up. I'm sure they will be more than happy to help you quench her fear.

Tell your daughter about the media assholes who are making a mountain out of a mole hill about this virus. They prey on fear to boast ratings to attract sponsors who are all just looking to make a profit. Good luck trying to explain that sentence.

Kw's: H1N1, H1N2, H3N1, H3N2, H2N3, SIV, hog, influenza, C, A, seasonal, pandemic

Husband wants to kill pigs to avoid Swine Flu!

Dear AL:
For the last few days I've been protecting our pigs from my husband. He has obsessive–compulsive disorder, which I thought he had under control, that's until I caught him walking to our barn with a 5 gallon can of gas. When I asked him from the window what he's doing, he said coolly that he's going to kill our pigs. I then yelled stop, ran out to him while he was shouting back "Swine flu! Swine flu!" I tried to explain to him that it was just a name like chickenpox, but he kept telling me "How do I know? Why would they name it Swine flu?" He then tried a couple of more times to burn the barn, so I now park my truck against it to prevent him.

Al, what can I say to convince him that our pigs wont make us sick?
-- Samantha, Texas

Dear Sam:
Your husband is a pig farmer with obsessive-compulsive disorder? Now I've heard everything! Sounds like he might be suffering from another neurological disorder. A result of his lifestyle. Most sufferers of OCD try to hide their compulsive behaviors, and in his case he tried to make it seem like he had it under control while all along he might have been going through tremendous stress. No talking will prevent him from roasting your hogs, so I recommend he sees a professional and maybe a career change. Good luck!

Kw's: health, influenza, A virus subtype H1N1, influenzavirus

Would you leave someone who gave you herpes?

Dear AL:
Lets say your significant other gave you genital herpes, but said they didn't know they had it. Would you end your relationship with them?

I'm trying to get as much input as possible.
-- Upset in Seattle

Dear Upset:
Then you don't mind me posting this on Ask500People.
You did ask for extra input.

Look, you got the cootiesand there's nothing you can do about it. It's not going to magically disappear if you leave this person, so why break up? This STD is painful and NASTY, and by staying with this person you wont be passing it on to someone else. Do the right thing.

Slow me down!

Dear Al,
I have a problem that's driving me crazy. Blogs! I'm working on so many blogs you wouldn't believe, and I keep coming up with new ones. I have 8 now. This juggling act of trying to maintain all my blogs is keeping me up nights, and it's effecting my family, day job, and my weight, but I can't stop. Slow me down!
-- Jennifer, Australia

Dear Jennifer,
Slow yourself down! Sheesh!

Are all these blogs worth hurting your family and job? Both will divorce your ass if you keep this up.

Usually what the problem is is that you're not getting enough sleep, and all those bowls of cornflakes every night. Lay off Kellogg's and your computer for a few days, and once you're well rested and able to think clearly, keep two blogs and delete the rest. I know, easier said than done, but look at it this way, none of your blogs will ever hit it big because you're spread out too thin.

Concentrate on two blogs and the physical world, and everything will be ok. Keep doing what you're doing, and you're gonna be an unemployed lonely lardass with no internet access. Scary, huh?

Know of a cure for toenail fungus?

Dear AL:
Over the course of 3 years I watched my toenails go from transparent to a brittle yellow crust. Only 2 of my toenails look normal now. I planned to take care of this problem, but with my work schedule and family life, I've put it off, but I just can't stand looking at them anymore! Do you know of a cure for toenail fungus, or is this something I have to live with? -- Dave, Ireland

Yo Dave:
You've been funky this long, why change?

Anyway, there are a ton of safe over the counter products you can use agains't toenail fungus, just some of them stink, change your nail color, and sting like a bitch. Vinegar I hear does a great job curing this and other foot problems. It stinks, but only stings if you have athletes foot if you're that funky. Soak your toenails 2 to 3 times a day with vinegar for 30 minutes without missing a day. Also take two teaspoons of Vinegar a day to fight this internally. It will take a while, maybe a month or two, sometimes longer depending on how servere it is, but you'll have a new set of toenails, minus any side effects like Lamasil.

If people complain about the smell, tell them you just ate a salad, everyday. Good luck!

Sisters rent and my bad breath

Dear AL:
My girlfriend just inherited her dads house, but her sister who doesn't live there wants us to pay her rent, and she agreed to it. Now I don't have a problem with that, just the fact that when we move in we're taking care of her mother who has a problem with my breath, but my girlfriend thinks if I get hair implants it might help. What do you think?
-- Ray, Georgia

Yo Ray:
I think you should also get butt plugs while you're at it, can't hurt. And about your girlfriend's sister's rent, tell her to kiss your ass, unplugged! How could you not have a problem with that?

My doctor gave me placebos

Dear AL:
Last Friday I discovered that my doctor gave me a placebo, stating it was something else for my condition. I overheard him tell his nurse this since he has a hearing problem and doesn't realize he's loud. I didn't say anything to him back then, but since it troubled me over the weekend, I told him I knew this past Monday. He apologized, stating that sometimes power of suggestion, the placebo effect, usually helps patients with my problem. He then gave me some medicine stating that it was the real deal, but on the way out I overheard him saying to his nurse about giving mrs whiny pants (me) another placebo. I confronted him, and he denied saying this, and that I have until Friday to pay my bill, $300!

Al, I don't have any insurance, lost my job, and I'm almost out of money. How am I gona pay for this? He knows I'm struggling.
-- Trish, New York

Dear Trish:
Everyone has the game Monopoly, well there's plenty of cash in there.

Seriously, you need to seek a malpractice attorney. Yes, I know you don't have the money, but most attorneys provide free consultation. Bring up the idea with an attorney about carrying a voice activated recorder on you the next time you visit your doctor. I don't know the laws where you're at, but I don't see a problem with this since you're gona need as much proof as possible, or it will come down to your word against this quacks about those Placebos.

Good luck!

It hurts like a bitch!

Dear AL:
I just came down with herpes on my lip. At first I thought I caught it from my newly wife, but she told me that the big bump on her lip is just a pimple. It took me a while to believe, but now I'm convinced she's telling the truth.

It hurts like a bitch! How long will I have this?
-- Josh, Iowa

Yo Josh:
Until death do you part!

I hope this helped!

He says it's for her own good

DearAL:
Our 8 year old daughter is slightly over weight, but due to proper nutrition and exercise she's lost alot, but not enough to my husband. Almost everyday after work he yanks her from her little friends and makes her walk on a kids treadmill he brought a month ago. You wont believe how much she cries, but he says it's for her own good.

Al, we don't need this machine. Any way to convince him?
-- Amy, Oregon

Dear Amy:
No SEX! But if that doesn't work, break it. Take it outside and smash it on the pavement. Use a hammer if you have to. The treadmill, not his penis!

Walking on a treadmill is nothing compared to running, jumping, and bike riding. Your daughter needs to be outside getting fresh air and exercise playing with her friends, not walking on a treadmill like an old woman. You're doing a great job with your daughter. Do what you have to do so he doesn't screw up her life.

The apartment smells like shit!

Dear AL:
My wife has a problem. It doesn't matter what she eats, she just farts nonstop! Doctors say there's nothing wrong with her, that it's just something I have to learn to live with. She so use to it she doesn't notice passing gas anymore, and when I bring it up she laughs. Al, the apartment smells like shit, any suggestions?
-- David, Toronto, Canada

Yo David:
If you're not too attached, you could leave her stinky ass, you know. Threaten her with divorce if she doesn't plug that hole up!

If you can't bring yourself to say it, go buy yourself a Bic. Either she farts in the bathroom, or you'll light her ass up! Easy!

Nobody should have to put up with that shit!

I got molested by a guy 2 nights ago

Dear Al:
I'm 15 years old. I got molested by a guy 2 nights ago even though I wasn't wearing revealing clothes. I've reported this matter to the police, but the thing is now I can't seem to trust strangers because of what happened 2 nights ago. Plus I can't help but keep on thinking about what happened. How can I forget & get over this disturbing memory? Please help me. -- Tamie

Dear Tamie:
Please talk about what happened with a professional who specializes in post-traumatic stress. Talking with a professional will help you work through it, building trust and healthy relationships. Since you filed a report with the police, I take it that your family already knows, but if they don't you need to tell them.

If this molestation went as far as forced sex, you need to get checked out by a doctor right away. This lowlife could have been carrying more than just a bad haircut!

I wish you the best!

Readers, blog friends, please watch the language in the comments of Tamie's post. Thanks!

I want to crawl into a hole and die!

Dear AL:
I have a really embarrassing problem!
I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks. I have not had sex with anyone since my husband who had prem ejaculation so sex was really quick.
I had 2 children with my husband and sometimes have stress incontinence. Anyway when we had sex, I was in continent and somehow his socks got wet where they were under 'the action'. He asked how they got wet and I just changed the subject. I am mortified.
Do i say anything about the socks and what happens (if!!! which i doubt) we have sex again. He must have realised that it happened!! I want to crawl into a hole and die! What is the way forward - celebacy?!
-- Lil, Hants, UK

Dear Lil:
Everyone pissed themselves one time or another, even on other peoples socks. You're not alone!

Stress urinary incontinence can be treated by strengthening the pelvic floor muscles through Kegel exercises, Ben Wa balls, or a more recently developed exercise technique called vaginal cone therapy. Not only will you stop peeing on his socks once you master these exercises, sex will be so good he'll be peeing on yours!

* Urinary Incontinence Treatment
* Kegel exercise
* Ben Wa balls

I hope this helped!

New apartment smells like a bar... cigarettes!

Dear AL:
Me and my family just moved into a new apartment that smells like a bar. We didn't notice the cigarette smell before since the previous couple that lived here burned 2 sticks of incense in every room, which should have been a big warning sign. I complained to the landlord, and he showed us in the contract we signed that we're responsible for cleaning and painting the apartment. Like no duh! But this place should have been cleaned up right before we moved in. We haven't started painting because a professional told us that there's no paint on the market that can cover cigarette smoke of this extreme. We tried soap and water and some bio safe products, but our apartment still stinks. Do you know of any non-toxic way to get rid of this smell? We have kids.
-- Meredith, New York

Dear Meredith:
A bucket or two of water and half a bottle vinegar per bucket will do the trick. The rooms will smell for about an hour or so like vinegar, but at least the smell of cigarettes will be gone. Make sure you clean the radiators good, or the place will stink when you turn them on. I went through the same shit myself!

Dial the 311 Call Center, an operator should be able to help you find out if that landlords contract is legal. If not, you might be able to take legal action again'st Mr. Roper for putting yours kids health in jeopardy! More than likely that contract is different than the other tenants in your building, probably because he didn't want to clean up your apartment before you moved in. Second hand smoke, even on the walls, radiators, ect... is just as bad as being in the presence of a smoker.

In the Tenant's Rights Guide for the State of New York it states that landlords of buildings with three or more apartments must keep the apartments and the buildings' public areas in "good repair" and clean and free of vermin, garbage or other offensive material. Landlords are required to maintain electrical, plumbing, sanitary, heating, ventilating systems and appliances landlords install, such as refrigerators and stoves in good and safe working order. Tenants should bring complaints to the attention of their local housing officials. (Multiple Dwelling Law (MDL) §78 and §80; Multiple Residence Law (MRL) §174. The MDL applies to cities with a population of 325,000 or more and the MRL applies to cities with less than 325,000 and to all towns and villages.)

I hope this helped!

Technorati: personal, problems, advice, blog, weblog, blogger, bloggers, column, solutions, everyday, family, health, cheap, landlord, cigarette, second hand, secondhand, smoke, tenants, rights, New York

How Can I Tell Him His Breath Stinks?

Dear AL:
I have co-worker who has bad, bad smell to breath. I must work with this guy sometimes in close quarters when working on projects. Then when we go to lunch I must ride in car with this stinker too. He is really a great guy, but his breath can peel paint off walls. How can I tell him his breath stinks in nice way?
-- Ivan, Hollywood

Yo Ivan:
Privately tell him his breath stinks, there's really no other way. He's probably unaware of his problem, or doesn't mind stinking like ass. His condition could be a dental or medical problem, so you be doing him a favor by telling him that he stinks. But if you still can't tell him, visuals always work. The next time he tries to talk to you, run!

Filed under: health, workplace

I'm Such A Pig, And Feeling Ashamed!

Dear Al:
I hate it how I can't control my eating. I think its because I'm bored and jealous if someone else gets to eat it. I'm such a pig, and feeling ashamed... -- Potentially Hot

Dear Hot:
So that was you staring at my dog at last weeks game! Freaky!

There's an organization that can help you with your problem, Overeaters Anonymous. Overeaters Anonymous offers a program of recovery from compulsive overeating. Worldwide meetings and other tools provide a fellowship of experience, strength and hope where members respect one another's anonymity. OA charges no dues or fees; it is self-supporting through member contributions.

www.overeatersanonymous.org

I hope this helped!

Filed under: advice, health, on the internet, personal problems

Why Is It So Hard To Quit Smoking?

Dear Al:
I just quit smoking a day ago, and I'm going nuts! I can't think, I'm very moody, my heads hurting right now, and I feel like I'm gona throw up! Me and my husband want to have a baby right now, but why is it so hard for me to quit this time? The last time I quit wasn't this bad!

Al, tell me freakin something to keep me from smoking again! This shit fuckin sucks!
-- Diane, Los Angeles

Dear Diane:
It's gona kill ya, and harm your baby! You know this, so don't be a butthead and start that shit up again! Cigarettes kill more Americans than alcohol, car accidents, suicide, AIDS, homicide, and illegal drugs combined! Each year, about 438,000 people die in the US from tobacco use. Smoking is associated with reduced fertility and a higher risk of miscarriage, early delivery (prematurity), stillbirth, infant death, and is a cause of low birth weight in infants. It has also been linked to sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).

American Cancer Society: "Cigarette Smoking"

The reason why it's so hard to quit smoking this time around is because the Tobacco Companies secretly added 10 to 20 percent more nicotine to their cigarettes. Don't you just love them? Smokers who choose "light" brands hoping to reduce their nicotine intake are out of luck. According to a recent report, there was no significant difference in the total nicotine delivered between "full flavor," "medium," "light," or "ultra-light" cigarettes.

LA Times: "Cigarettes Packing More Nicotine, Report Shows"
New York Times: "Raising Nicotine Doses, on the Sly"
Massachusetts Department of Health: "Nicotine in cigarettes increases"

Nicotine is more toxic and addictive than Cocain. 40–60 mg of nicotine is a lethal dosage for adults, which makes it 16-25 times more deadly than Cocain, which has a lethal dose at 1000 mg.

Wikipedia: "Nicotine"

Smoking will eventually make you look worse than the girl in the post before this one! Had enough?

Filed under: advice, health, smoking, addictions, cancer

Say if I Quit Chips And Coke

Dear Al:
Your solutions are crass - but funny and makes so much sense lol.

I'm so sick of being overweight and not having a life, but I'm food greedy and keep eating junk at home--> especially to CELEBRATE a weight loss X(

Say if this guy liked me now and we get along, would he ask me out after I quit chips and coke and glamour up? I duno... shout at me Al.
-- yo-yo dieter, Sidney, Australia

Dear Yo-Yo Dieter:
Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Did that help? No?

Look, you might have a chance with him right now! Quit the junkfood for yourself, not to attract this guy. Consult your doctor before you start any weight loss program, diets, or workout. I hope this helped!

What should I do?

Dear Al:
I've been stressing out lately because of my mom and the environment i live in.don't get me wrong, i love my mom to death.but my problem is,that she's mentally ill.i cry almost every night.now we cant do the things like we use to do. and the place where i live is full of drugdealers,thugs,criminals etc. the only reason why we cant move out is that we dont have enough money.kids from other apartments come out everyday to throw sticks at my moms door.i hate them.when i tell them to stop they wont and they cuss back at me.and when i go up to their face, their moms get bitchy about it.my dad goes to work everyday and tries to nurture us the best way he can.what should i do?
-- Meredith, Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Meredith:
If you haven't already, visit the official website of the City of Jacksonville, Florida. They have plenty of resources to help you and your family, just it's a little difficult to find on their site, but I found some info for ya:

* Mental Health Services
* Outreach to Elderly and Disabled Victims

I'm not sure what you could do about those idiotic kids since their parents are lowlifes! Last thing you need is a feud. These morons are not gona be kids forever, and with luck they'll be in prison before they're 25, where they're gona get hit with plenty of sticks! Karma's a bitch!

Sorry I couldn't be of more help, Meredith! Take care of yourself!

Weight Problem After Childbirth

Dear Al:
During the pregnancy I gained quite a bit of weight and eventhough it has been 3 months since the delivery, I have not been able to shed a pound so far. I have tried aerobics, cut out on sugar and fried food, go for walks every day with our little son, but nothing is working. The problem is that my husband is not motivating me to lose the weight, he claims now that I am fat, there is more to grab!

What should I do? I want to go shopping for new clothes, but I want to lose these extra pounds first!

Thank you for your advice. And don't be rude!!
-- Cristina, Curitiba, Brazil

Dear Christina:
Sounds like your husband loves you no matter what you look like, which is great, but he could've worded it differently. You probably had this conversation with your husband, but tell him again how seriously you need his help! No more fat jokes!

If he's still not taking you serious, then tell him "If you don't help me, I'll pull a Roseanne Barr by packing on a ton of weight, and the only way you be able to grab me is with a lasso!" If he begins to laugh, stuff your face full of cake! That will show him!

Serious, right after childbirth your body needs to recover. Your iron and vitamin and mineral stores have been depleted. Seventy percent of new mothers are anemic. Therefore, you shouldn't think of dieting for two to three months after childbirth.

Immediately after the baby is born, you will lose about 11 pounds. You will then lose 9 to 11 more pounds over the next few weeks in fluids, a shrinking uterus, etc. Then your goal should be to lose no more than one to two pounds a month for the first six months. Losing more than 4 1/2 pounds a month is unsafe.

Man, I wish I was smart enough to know all of the above! Discovered this information on WebMD, you can read more half way down the page on WebMD from Brown.

I hope this helped!