Goo-goo-head husband using baby talk!

baby talk, goo-gooDear Al:
My husband insists on using baby talk with our 9 month old daughter, and he sounds like a freakin idiot! But what bothers me the most is that my daughter is repeating the same crap, which means that if my husband would talk normal with her, our daughter would know a alot of words by now! When my daughter talks with his baby talk, she thinks it really means something, which is so cute, but also pisses me off!

Yesterday morning I tried to show him what Dear Abby and some of her readers had to say about this in our local newspaper, but he said he didn't care, and went all Googly on me!

Al, what can I do about my husband?
-- Nicole, Aviano Air Base, Italy

Dear Nicole:
Try talking to your husband using his baby talk for a week, and maybe he will get the picture, or have you commited. Either way you wont hear his baby talk anymore, and if your daughter turns into a permanent Goo-Goo-Head, she could run for President!

Who's So Vain?

You're So Vain, by Carly SimonDear Al:
I've been racking my brains on this forever, so I hope you can help me on this one! Who is Carly Simon referring to in the song "You're So Vain"? The song came out in 1973 right after Simon married James Taylor, but she had been involved with Warren Beatty, Mick Jagger, Cat Stevens, and Kris Kristofferson before her marriage.


At first like many people I thought the song was about Warren Beatty, but then I discovered that Mick Jagger was singing in the background, but I thought that would be to easy. Why would she create a song with Mick Jagger singing in the background if it was about him? I don't know much about Kris Krsitofferson, but I just can't see Cat Stevens being Vain, unless he's good at secluding it.
So tell me, from the people mentioned above, who was Carly referring to in her song "You're So Vain"?
-- Kim, Rivedale, New York City

Dear Kim:
I promised Carly not to say a word, but since your in desperate need to know, I'll tell you. Carly was singing about me! You see, me and Carly were friends in 1972, and since I was just a toddler, I wasn't gona get tied down at that young age. So I told Carly "Listen babe, this is not gona work, plus I know you're making a song about me". But she didn't say a word, just gave me that big grin of hers, so I knew I was right!

Now promise not to tell anybody what I just told you, it's a secret!

Jules Meme Stopper

Dear AL:
About 2 to 3 times a week my blog friends tag me to do their Meme's, or Meme's they find on the internet, and it's getting on my nerves! I can understand if they decide to do a Meme because they find it fun, or have nothing to post, but why do they have to drag me and others into doing them? I've been a good egg and done everyone I've been tagged to do, but I had enough!

How can I tell my friends to remove me from their Meme tag hit list? Please don't add my URL to this post, some of my readers might find it.
-- Trudy, Alabama

Dear Trudy:
Why don't you tell your friends to stop tagging you? If that's a problem then post this Jules Meme Stopper I created on your blog, the code is below it for you to copy.

jules meme stopperThe path of the righteous is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of Memes. Blessed are they who in the name of common sense and goodwill, keep these damn Memes to themselves, for they are truly their brother's keeper and a finder of lost brain cells. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to tag me with a freakin Meme!

Cut and paste this code into your post:


If you want to make sure your friends don't forget, add this Jules Meme Stopper on your blogs sidepanel:

I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to tag me with a Damn Meme!

Cut and paste this code into your blogs sidepanel:


This should solve everybody's problem, but if not, go Pulp Fiction on their arse!

*** Nonviolent Meme Stoppers coming soon! ***

Funky Feet

funky feetDear Al:
I have a very embarrassing problem, I have toenail fungus. The first time I discovered it was three years ago, but I didn't think much of it because I thought it was nothing. After a few months I noticed that it spread to some of my other toenails, so I decided to do something about it, I started to wash my feet. I thought this was the answer to my problem, but it continued to spread like wild fire, and now all my toes are infected! They look yellow with a crusty britle look to them, thicker than normal, and they smell.

I've stopped going to the pool since it's so bad, but I still suffered and embarrassing moment because of them. Two months ago while I was practicing my kicks at my Karate class with my teacher, he got hit with a piece of toenail when he caught my foot in front of his face and discovered my little problem. He then announced it to everyone in class and everybody started to run!

I would really like to attend Karate class again, but what can I do about my toenail problem?
-- Manfred, United Kingdom

Dear Manfred:
Try some Epson Salt, foot powder, see a foot specialist, just keep them things away from me!

Seriously, see a specialist, and if they recommend Lamisil for your toenail fungus, just to let you know, in some cases Lamisil has caused liver damage, but don't bring this up with the specialist, just to see if the specialist brings this risk up themselves. That way you will know if they're truthful, morons, or just plain evil, which is your cue to Karate kick their ass with your funky feet!

Wifey Holding Out!


Dear AL:
It's been ages since the last time me and my wife had sex, and I'm about to explode! Everytime I try to touch her she keeps pulling away, and I know I don't stink. We use to do it 2 times a day if it was possible, but right after our first kid and our marriage it all went down hill, and I'm at the bottom!

I'm so horny I masturbate everyday, until last night when my wife caught me watching a video on my computer called "Do Me All Night Long", and she went crazy, then we fought all night long, so you know I'm never gona watch that video again!

I know your readers will probably think bad about me, that I'm a sick perverted little man with a small penis who only cares about sex, but if you haven't had it in over 8 months I'm sure alot of people will be going nuts to!

Please AL, I need your help! What can I do to get her interested in my fine ass again?
-- Mister Big, New Jersey

Dear Mister Big:
Some women for some strange reason lose interest in sex after a while, which could be the case with your wife. But maybe you just suck, and not as fine as you think you are. I'm sure your wife didn't marry you for your looks, and doesn't mind your small penis, but maybe she's tired from taking care of the house and kids all day. Instead of expecting her to spread eagle, try treating her like a queen, surprise her with something nice, help out around the house, then maybe she will show interests in you and your small penis again.