My wife is a Ho!

Dear al:
My wife is a HO! Every weekend she goes out clubbing with her girlfriends, but I know she's window shopping! Last week I found a phone number on the floor by our jackets! Al, how can I get her to stay home with me, watch a movie, and cuddle? I have a small penis, but that can't be the problem, because I know how to use it!
-- Josh, North Carolina

Dear Josh:
Happy to hear that you're proficient with your pecker, but why do you want the world to know? Hoping your wife reads your message to remind her how good she has it at home? I'm not Dr. Ruth!

First you have to stop calling your wife a ho, even if she is. Then you need to get out, take your wife to dinner, dancing, drinking, do something crazy, but still let her hang out with her friends. You'll have plenty of time to cuddle when you come home wasted, plus your tiny penis might get some play! I hope this helped!

Answers To Your Questions

I like to thank everybody for their questions, and to everybody who thought about questioning me, but didn't! WTF!

Last asked "where in the world are you ? and dont give me half assed answers like north america. i want city, state, province, country, everything."
I'm in New York City, the Bronx, but I'm not telling you my street address! God dammit!

Monika asked "What TIME ZONE are you in?"
What do I look like, a watch? well, here you go! Tick,tick,tick,tick,tick...
Current UTC or GMT (Greenwich Mean Time): Monday 7/17/2006 9:24 am GMT
The Eastern Time Zone Is: GMT - 5h during Standard Time, GMT - 4h during Daylight Saving Time

Lori asked "What is your daily life like?"
Hectic, lori! My life is damn hectic! You wont believe how hectic it is!
Hey! Did I ever tell you my life is hectic? Well it is!

Beading asked "What do you like to eat for breakfast?"
Food!

The Dormitory Boys asked "Have you ever given advice that you regret?"
No! I'm Al Dammit! Every bit of advice has been carefully crafted to meet the needs of my writers, while bashing a few in the process. No one ever said that the truth doesn't hurt! I'm making up for their so called friends who are afraid to tell it like it is, or lack of friends due to shyness, picky, or just being a plain weirdo.

Jonathan asked "Have you ever thought about deleting a blogger from your blogroll because they didn't pay their respect?"
No, because maybe they're busy, or ignoring my blog since I haven't visited theirs in a while. Payback is a bitch!

Red Hot Sexy Papa asked "Do you think I should quit my job?"
I'm not sure what you do for a living, or why you would ask that question, but go ahead and quit! By following this advice means you agree not to sue me, or move in!

Chuck asked "Has anyone ever knock your teeth out like mines?"
No one has ever jacked my teeth up like yours! Freak!

Dawn asked "hey, al, what do you look like? I mean even Dear Abby posts her pic."
Hey! No one told Dear Abby to post her pic, but I'll tell you what I look like. I'm a mix between Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Johnny Depp, with a touch of Jack Black, but that doesn't mean I'm a lardass, alright!

Ask Me A Question!

That's right people! The moment you all been waiting for! Ask me a question in the comments below, it can be about anything! I'll post my answers sometime on Monday. Thanks for the idea, Beading!

My favorite color is forrest green, because it's so purty!

Looking forward to your questions!
Have a nice weekend!

Hey! I had to think of something since no one has written me for advice in a few days! I bet Dear Abby is behind this!
I thought she had Alzheimer's! WTF!

Trying To Love Thy Neighbor

Dear Al:
I don't know what else to do, I have these neighbors who always starting mess with me and my family. I try to ignore them, but they always trying to push the wrong button in me. They are always picking at me and my family for no reason at all. I am trying so hard to hold my temper with them. The Bible says; love thou enemies. This what I am trying so hard to do. what should I do about this? I refuse to allow them to win, and I won't leave my home.
-- Mr. Hate_drama, Mississippi

Dear Mr. Hate:
How are they picking on you and your family? What are they saying?
Is it because they're nuts, or does your front yard looks like shit?

Since you haven't given me enough info here, the only course of action I can recommend is to ignore them. Better yet, try to make peace! Talk to your neighbors, try to be helpful, invite them over for barbeques.
Love thou neighbors, and they will eventually love ya back, or think you're nuts!

I was a childhood friend of Ann Coulter

Dear AL:
I was a childhood friend of Ann Coulter when she had a different name, sex, and personality. I can't believe the monster he has become today!

He (Ann)... yes he was sweet, shy, and insecure, that a small group of children bullied him right up until the end of High School. He vowed to get even with everybody, just didn't think it would be the whole country looking the way he does now! I just can't see him in a dress!

Al, is there anyway to bring back the sweet boy I remember?
-- Anonymous Friend

Dear Anonymous:
You're joking, right? Well, Ann does have flippers for feet.

There's a point of no return, and Ann Coulter has crossed it, right after his sex change operation, so you say. What was his name before? Earl?

***Looking again*** OMG, those feet!

Anyway, anonymous, Earl is never coming back. Stop living in the past!

Update: For my readers who never heard of Ann Coulter, just check out these links:
Ann's Quotes: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Ann_Coulter
About Ann: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ann_Coulter