Should I stay friends, or call it quits?

Dear AL:
So, you say you're a problem solver. Can you please help me?

See, I have this friend of mine. We've known each other for a really long time, and lately we've begun to fight a lot. Each time we fight, I end up breaking down. I used to cut myself over this friend. [But i don't now.] He's been there for me a lot - and I used to like him - we decided to try going out, but sadly, that didn't end too well. We just had another fight recently, but I don't know this time. Should I stay friends with him, or call it quits?
Thanks - <3 , California

Dear <3:
Deep down it probably upsets him that you're both not together, but being friends for a long time doesn't mean you owe him an intimate relationship, and if he doesn't understand that, then it's best to call it quits. Some people can be friends for ages and still not know each other, and if you're both fighting now, imagine when you're together.

Friends welcome each other's company, exchange advice, show understanding, and engage in mutually helping behavior, but if he's yelling "Bitch! Give me another chance!" you have a problem. Take care of yourself, move on!

Are they out there?

Hey AL:
Do you believe in aliens?
-- love boo, singapore,

Dear boo:
What kind, babe?

I feel illegal aliens have a right to life, as long as they follow the rules until we ship their ass back over the border. As for ET, I'm not sure if they exist, but if they're here, they better have a Visa. I here it's pretty hot on the sun!

Note: To my next writer, I'm a problem solver. If you have a personal problem, let me help. Save your alien questions for fuckin' Dear Abby!
She's has to be one, just look at that mug --> -->

We just know each other as acquaintances

Hello AL!
A few weeks ago I sent a letter to a girl who is very paranoid about her grades. The essence of the letter was that she probably wouldn't be valedictorian (her dream), so she should just calm down about it. That's what I intended to convey, but apparently everyone else took it as me insulting her, not giving her frank advice. Now how exactly should I apologize? She and I were never really close, we just know each other as acquaintances. Any ideas for making an impression that I am sincerely apologizing? I really am sorry for bothering her.
-- Impulsive

Yo, Impulsive!
I can understand if she asked for your opinion, but you went out of your way to write this to a stranger. You're a FREAK! Keep your nose out of other peoples business and they'll stop thinking of you as an asshole with alot of time on your hands.

To apologize, tell her you're sorry for buttin' in, but not with another letter. Grab your balls, or your couch, and talk to her face to face!

They keep telling me I'm nutty

Dear AL:
I like to play mindsweeper. I usually play, oh say, 30 games in a sitting lasting less than 10 minutes. I try to keep my habit down to once or twice a day. My best score is 111 sec and I am very very proud of that. My children don't want me to talk about it. They keep telling me I'm nutty and to get a real game. Do I have a problem?
-- Eleanor, North America

Dear Eleanor:
Nah... I rather see you vegetate playing Minesweeper instead of some crazy shoot 'em up game. You should be proud of that score after playing thousands of times.

Call Guiness! You might have a world record!

Should I wait or do a one nighter?

Dearest AL:
I am a virgin. Should i wait for a quality boyfriend, or jus do a one nighter with this guy friend?
-- Horny but got pride, Australia

Dear Horny:
Wait! That one nighter may screw up your chances of meeting mister right, specially if you get pregnant, catch a venereal disease, or get branded a Ho! Like most women, but not all, guys talk alot of shit too. He may be your friend, but if he's a closet virgin, you can bet your ass he's gona tell the world about you and his big penis. *Cough* Next thing you know, these guys will put you on a level with Paris Hilton, and call you Firecrotch! Now do you want that?

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Can u plase help me out?

Hi AL:
for my site i need a few fake problems relating anything cause my site aint that famous. Can u plase help me out. ive searched the net but couldn't find one. I believe that by this i might start getting original messages from people. - Kundan Churnaa

Yo Kundan:

"Can u plase help me out." Are you fuckin' kidding me?
Plase don't write me again!

My writers are as real as your bad grammar!

Do a good deed, get called a bitch!

Dear AL:
First off, I hate kids with a passion, but last Saturday I saved a little monster from getting hit by a bus. As I was standing their with my idiot sister-in-law talking shit as a bus was approaching, her son Travis, who threw up on me minutes before, jumped off the sidewalk into the street. Since I was closer, I reached out and grabbed it's arm, and yanked it back. My sister-in-law thanked me as she was crying, but when she discovered I hurt her son since it wouldn't stop crying, she called me a bitch before taking it to the hospital. Later that day she called me and said I dislocated it's shoulder when I assaulted it! I saved it's life and that's assault?

This coming Thursday my husband and I are going with his dipshit sister and her son (it) to the zoo, and guess what... we're taking the bus! The only reason why I'm tagging along is because since it hasn't slowed down, and she's the most neglectful mother on the planet, it wont make it on the bus alive, because it will be under it. Am I a dumbass for not turning a blind eye to it's inevitable demise? It's not my kid!
-- Diane, New York

Dear Diane:
No... You're not a dumbass. Deep down you care about this childs... I mean it's well being. You're a hero for dislocating it's shoulder by accident to save it's life, but don't subject yourself to being their babysitter. You have a life!

Since your sister-in-law hasn't a clue about raising it, you should report the dumbass to the office of Children & Family Services of the State of New York for maltreatment, anonymously of course: 1-800-342-3720

Office of Children & Family Services