Can I copy your blogs template?

Dear AL:
I had it at my job. I've been working for a paper forever, 5 years to be exact, and every time when I think I can move up, they bring someone new from the outside. The last guy didn't even had the experience, and I had to train him! Train him how to be a managing editor!

AL, I'm quiting as of today and starting an advice column like yours. Can I copy your blogs template?

April fool's! About the blog part. :)
-- Josh, Minnesota

Yo Josh:
No wonder you didn't get the job, you're a moron.

When you try to pull off an April Fools Day joke, specially in an email, you don't state April fools within the same message as the joke, Beaves.

Now get back to your cubicle, and stop being a chump. You are hired to do a job, not to train someone to be your boss. Remember that!

Visual Basic is unstandardized crap for a reason

Dear AL:
I have to get this off my chest. I've been using Microsoft Visual Basic for years, but no more! Their latest version, Visual Basic 6 .NET produces slow applications, wont upgrade programs written in previous versions, and software written with it becomes inoperable when you update to the latest Windows version, or the latest Internet Explorer.

The reason being why Visual Basic wont ever become standardized is because Microsoft wont be able to sell new versions of Windows if it has to stay compatible with previous versions of this software. Microsoft can't make money with Windows updates, so they create new Windows versions from scratch, not caring if it's compatible with anything written for previous versions.

God I'm so mad! Visual Basic was my livelihood, but now my coding is obsolete! I don't have the time to learn the new version! F--k!
-- Bhargyaraj, India

Yo Bhargyaraj:
I guess no one will be outsourcing jobs to you anytime soon.

Funny, your name means Lord of Luck in India. Buddha must've been kidding.

Sorry, but what is mariburjeka?

Dear AL:
Sorry, but what is mariburjeka?
-- Jane, Korea, Republic of

Dear Janebot:
You mean you don't know? Sad.

Figure you know by now since you've been asking this spam question all over the internet:
Google - "Sorry, but what is mariburjeka?"

To the Janebot programer who unleashed this spambot crawler, you forgot to add a link, moron!

Can u plase help me out?

Hi AL:
for my site i need a few fake problems relating anything cause my site aint that famous. Can u plase help me out. ive searched the net but couldn't find one. I believe that by this i might start getting original messages from people. - Kundan Churnaa

Yo Kundan:
***Smack!***

"Can u plase help me out." Are you fuckin' kidding me?
Plase don't write me again!

My writers are as real as your bad grammar!

Blogger Beta sucks! Google forced me to switch!

Dear AL:
A day ago I logged into my Blogger account for a few minutes, and logged off. Minutes later I tried to log back into my blog account to add a new header banner and images for my sidebar, but the people at Google fixed it so I had no choice but to switch to Blogger Beta if I wanted access to my blog. So I did. I then uploaded my banner and images to a post, copied their new funky links from the post and pasted it to my blogs template, erasing the links to my old banner, but when I published the images the funky links to them didn't work! I then tried their new editor to see if this would solve my problem, and they switched me back to the old Blogger template, so I deleted my fuckin' blog! I know I could've switched back to my old template, but what's the use if I can't add a simple banner to my blogs header?

Fuckin' %&$%$#0(**@°!

Al, I just needed to vent. Hope you don't mind.
-- Judy, Brazil

Dear Judy:
Vent all you want, but if Blogger forces me to switch over, the world better be ready for an earful! You hear that Google, God dammit!

Technorati: personal, problems, advice, Google, blog, weblog, blogger, beta, migrate, migration, bugs, bloggers, column, solutions, everyday, internet

Wha da diforinse batween StudiVZ an Facebook?

Dear AL:
Im ah farmor in Kazakhstan, butt I wood like to hab ah presents on da internets.
I wah tinking eeber joyning StudiVZ or Facebook, butt Im knot ah students or evor gointa be ah students. So witch one shood ah joyn? Wha da diforinse batween StudiVZ an Facebook?
Im knot ah students, okay.
-- Nobat, Kazakhstan

Dear Nobat:
Meh tink you donut hab a chants to joyn StudiVZ or Facebook becorse you knot ah students or evor gointa beh ah students, okay.
Geht yor arse bak in da feelds!

Technorati: Studivz, Zune, Myspace, Second Life

How Can I Make Xiaxue Take Me As Her Man?

Hey Al!
I'm very upset! Xiaxue, a blogger who is love of my life is denying me! How can she not feel the conectshion when I rite her on her blog? She's famous, so I can understand this has clouded her dinking, but this making me sad. We belong together! Al, how can I make Xiaxue to take me as her man?
-- Soulmate, Xiaxue's blog

Yo Soul:
Get a hold of yourself! Maybe Xiaxue doesn't feel the connection because you can't fuckin' write! The only person who's thinking is clouded is yours, natureboy. You're not the only person who has fallen head over heals for her, but you might be the only moron online who thinks he's Xiaxue's soulmate.

Move along, you don't have a chance!

Filed under: advice, dumbasses, insane, looking, on the internet, personal problems

My site shares the same server as Joe Lieberman's!

Dear Al:
My site shares the same server as Joe Lieberman's! Why can't Ned Lamont play fair? This DOS attack of his is not only hurting Lieberman, but it's also hurting mines!

myHOSTCAMP.com is a great service! I've been with them for over 2 weeks! Not one time have they went down until recently!

Deep down I know Ned Lamont is a closet Republican that Bush is trying to get elected! He has everyone fooled! Joe was agains't everything about Bush, except the war because he was kissing his ass, but that wasn't enough, so Bush kissed him back to ruin his chances in keeping his Senate seat! Ned is going to all lengths, including attacking Joe's site, which is also an attack on myHOSTCAMP.com!

Al, what's your take on this? Can I sue Ned?
-- Jannis, Use to be online

Dear Jannis:
Whoa! That was deep!

You truly believe Ned Lamont is a closet Republican like wannabe Joe? Did you forget to take your medication?

How can you judge a webhost if you only been with them for only two weeks, Georgette? myHOSTCAMP.com and your site are down because Joe Lieberman's site exceeded it's bandwidth on an overcrowded server. You can read more about this on the Daily Kos homepage.

You have a better chance at suing Joe than Ned, unless you're retarded. Have a nice day!

Update: After reading Mr. Bob Dobolina comment on Wonkette, I did a little research and discovered that myHOSTCAMP.com is a reseller for The Planet. Like Joe Lieberman, Jannis, you're hosting your site with a business that's hosted on another webhost! LOL!

How To Show An Icon Next To Your Blogs URL In The Address Bar!

Dear Al:
I have a problem. I am jealous. How did you get the little picture up by your url of your blog? I want a picture by mine when some clicks on my blog.

Thanks! -- Linda, http://beadinggalinms.blogspot.com

Dear Linda:
I said hockus pockus, and like magic, it appeared! Weird huh?

What I did was create an jpeg icon about 16x16 , then I uploaded the jpeg icon to a new post, and copied it's URL: http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1787/2191/1600/dralicon.jpg You don't have to publish the post, because once you upload an image, it's in your blogger account if you use it or not.

I then pasted my jpeg icons URL into this code:
<link rel="shortcut icon" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1787/2191/1600/dralicon.jpg" />

then I added the code to my blogs template underneath the <head> tag


Published the template, and that's it!

Note: Readers can't see the icon next to the URL in the address bar if they're using the Internet Explorer. So far I know it works for Firefox, but you might be able to see the icon if you also use Opera, or Safari, but I'm not sure.

Is Firefox Playing Big Brother?

Dear Al:
Every now and then when I delete my Temporary Internet files after being on the internet for about 15 minutes, System Mechanic finds and erases between 3 to 4GB of these temporary internet files! Where are all these files coming from? All this started right after I upgraded my Firefox browser to the latest version. My firewall (Zonealarm) blocks all programs trying to access the internet except Firefox, is Firefox uploading files to my computer? Is this a security flaw, or is Firefox playing Big Brother?
-- Katja, Germany

Dear Katja:
It's probably Firefox. By default, Firefox updates it's self, but you can manually turn that off under options if you're not comfortable with it. Talk to your husband about the 3 to 4GB's of temporary internet files. God help you if he has a thing for Carrot Top!

If you're also using Bill Gate's crapy Internet Explorer, that could be the problem. To see if it is, make the Internet Explorer your default browser for a few days, and if you're still having the same problem, then you found the culprit! Make Firefox your default browser, block the Internet Explorers access to the internet with Zonealarm, and that should do it.

If you're still having the same problem after that, I have nothing else to say except YOU'RE SCREWED!

What the fark is up with Fark?

Dear Al:
I've been a member of Fark.com forever, and not one of my submitted articles ever made it on their front page! One time after I submitted an article, it got posted with the same tagline by someone else! Now I believe it's possible for two people to come up with the same idea, but my tagline was so off the wall, it's impossible someone could have thought of the same thing! Someone at Fark stole my tagline to take credit for my submitted article! I thought about writting Fark to complain, but after doing some research online about previous members with problems, I decided not to waste my time. What the Fark is up with Fark.com?
-- Ex-Fark Fan, Cyberspace

Dear Ex-Fark Fan:
Need a hanky?

What's the big deal that Fark didn't post this article under your user name? What would you have gotten out of it if the link to an article you found on the internet was posted by you on Fark? A boner? I'm sure nobody stole your article tagline (Title), but if they did, it wont be easy to prove. All submissions become the property of Fark.com.
Read their Terms of Service, Joker!

Have a nice day!

Online Romances?

Dear Al
Do you think that online romances could work in real life? Or are they purely fantasy?
-- Sandi, manicmanicurist.blogspot.com

Dear Sandi
To me online romances are extremely risky! How do we know if we're not chatting with Carrot Top on the other end?

Sometimes they might reveal themselves via webcam, but this doesn't show us what's ticking in their cranium. It's so easy to tell someone what they want to hear.

Personally I think it's best to leave fantasy right where we found it, on the monitor. But if a person wants to take that risk, bring a friend along on the first date, because you might need the back-up if this guy is a weirdo.

Could You Install Haloscan Comments?

Dear AL:
First I have to say that I love your blog! Your hilarious posts have me and my friends rolling on the floor!
When are you gona install Haloscan Comments on your blog? I prefer to comment on your blog using Haloscan, specially since I have a cute Gravatar that shows in it. Isn't she the cutest little thing you ever saw?

I think Blogger comments is great, but it would be also great if you also install Haloscan comments too!

So, what do you say?
-- Tracy, Canada

Dear Tracy:
***PUKE*** You are never gona see your Gravatar Avatar on my blog!
YOU HEAR ME!

Serious, Gravatar is a great service, I have an account with them, but the reason why I wont install Haloscan comments is because they disappear after 60 days. I treasure comments left on my blog, and there is no way I'm gona allow Haloscan delete them so they can save server space/resources.

Every blog I came across that had Haloscan installed that I commented on, I discovered that comments older than 60 days were missing when I checked the bloggers archives, like I never posted a comment!
Maybe they should change their name to Hollowscan!

Anyway, Tracy, you can still see your Avatar on my blog if you just simply get a Blogger account, just warn me when you do so I can gouge my eyes out!

Stalked By A Nice Guy

Dear AL:
A person I've been friends with for over a year on an online chatroom by the name of Jeff is stalking me since I stood him up on a date at McDonalds. He asked online why I didn't show up, but I was afraid to tell him that I'm not the hot slim blonde pictured in my profile since I weigh over 300 pounds, so I told him that I was sick. Hell, I don't even know what he really looks like, he has a picture of Snoopy on his profile. Jeff then asked me out on another date, and I accepted, but I stood him up again, and that's when he started stalking me!
Everyday Jeff calls me on the phone, and he came by my house a couple of times, but I wouldn't open the door. I wonder how he found out my address? Anyway, Jeff is really a nice guy, but he does not understand why I wont see him. So far from talking to him on the phone and hearing his voice through my door he sounds like a really nice guy, just wish he leave me alone! Confused on what do to!
-- JACKIE, FLORIDA

Dear Jackie:
Personally I'm not sure if I would take a chance on meeting someone I met online, but that could change depending on how I felt about a person. If he sounds like a really nice guy, set up another date at a public place and bring a friend along. And don't worry about your weight, he might be heavier than you!