Dear Al:I have a friend that has been cheating on her husband for over a year with one man. Her husband works out of the country for weeks at a time so she has a lot of time to carry on with this other guy. The thing is, her husband isn't the nicest guy in the world (he's sometime physically and emotionally abusive). The other man, is someone she virtually takes care of. She pays bills for him, buys him clothing, picks up the tabs when they go out, everything. He practically lives there when the husband is out of town. She claims she's in love with this guy and will not leave him alone, even though she know's he sees other women (so does her husband, yes this is a messy situation). The thing is though, the other week, she calls me and says "I'm going to tell my husband I let you borrow $1,000 but really I'm going to give it to [the other man] so he can pay his court fees" (he got a DUI). So I immediately was like hell no don't put me in the middle of your stories! So my question is, if the shit ever hit the fan (which I know it will) I don't want to be an accessory to this whole thing. Should I tell her I don't want to hang out with her anymore? Even though I know what she's been doing I know I can't be responsible for what a grown woman decides to do. But since I am actually a friend to her and her husband, and thinking about it I'm her only female friend (husband doesn't approve of her having many friends). I just feel like I'm caught in the middle of something that's going to conclude in a very, very brutal manner.
-- Caught in the middle, theartofstiltwalking.blogspot.com
Dear Caught:
A friend wouldn't try to pull you into her mess and risk a friendship. Doesn't sound like she gives a damn about you, just the leech that's taken her for a fool! Yes, don't hang out with her anymore. Drop her and her husband like a bad habit, avoid their place like the GAP! ;)
Don't be caught in the middle like the cream in an Oreo cookie, they'll chew your ass up! I hope this helped!
17 comments:
lol the gap !!! well said dear al.
well thanks! I never would have come up with the whole GAP reference, lol. Or the cookie for that matter...
Stiltwalker, move! When this blows her husband is gona be crashing down your door! Best to get far far away from them as possible!
dude, al is so right. You should karate chop that b*tch in the windpipe!
Once again AL has spoken. And quite truthfuly too! A "REAL" friend wouldn't put you in the middle of her marital problems, and make you an accessory to the fact. The woman needs to have her head examined if she thinks any other female would let her use her that way. Quit being her dormat and get the hell far away.
Oh and just for the record AL, oreos kick ass in a bad way!!
Al is right, if a friend is putting you in the middle, then she isn't much of a friend. Cut the ties to the friendship.
Great. Now I want an Oreo. Al, you are spot on!!!
I don't know if I agree. It depends on how much she and her friendship mean to you, Caught.
Yes, it is in a messy situation which she is stupid for getting into. It sounds like she needs to drop both the husband and boyfriend. The boyfriend sounds like a spineless dickless prick. The control (not letting her have many friends) is very typical of an abusive spousal relationship, and Al and the commenters above are right: It will turn very ugly very soon.
What most people don't understand is that women caught in abusive relationships are not always capable of making wise and objective decisions. The psychology of it can get pretty complicated.
Caught: I would say don't get caught in the middle of anything, but if you care about your friend you will do what you need to to show her how messed up her way of life is right now and get her help to jettison both the husband and the boyfriend.
If your friend and your friendship with her means little to you, then go ahead and jettison her to the consequenses of her own choices. A thought: her asking you to cover for her may be a cry for help. Maybe. I don't know the details.
Sorry for the rant, but I think friendships should mean more to people.
to sum up: you can be there for her without getting caught up and involved in her mess. Tell it to her straight that you won't lie and cover for her.
Ang has it...
i agree 100%. BUT, i could easily be bribed with an oreo...
@monika- lol yes she will get chopped if she comes with that mess again…
@Ang- yea this is what I’ve said. So she shouldn’t expect any surprises. I just hope she truly heard me when I said, not going to be in the middle of this. I keep asking “do you really want to leave hubby and do you really want to be with this other dude” and it’s always like yea, uh, yea. I know for sure she’s really confused about life aside that she has absolutely no self worth. The flip side to this whole story is that she even allows her in-laws to treat her like crap. So basically it’s me feeling seriously sorry for her. She won’t even finish her degree because the mom-n-law told her she wasn’t smart enough anyways. It’s sad.
@everyone else- I can’t just drop her though. But I’ve said my peace as to why I think she should move out of her current situation. All I can do is limit my dealings with her and hope she doesn’t get her head busted open by hubby…
Lending an ear to a friend in need is one thing, but being caught up in the friend's problem is another.
She's big enough to handle her own life.
It's going to be tough walking out of the friendship immediately. I'd do it subtly, though. Call her less, visit her less and slowly phase out of her life. >:) Then you'll be free from her problems soon. Yay!
I too agree with ANG, but the thing is, a real friend who also has respect and also values her friendship with you, wouldn't ever consider pulling you into a situation like that. They would come to you for advice maybe or just an ear to lean on, but not to make you a part of it.
Poor Caught getting used~! I want an oreo.
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