What's Up With The News?

Dear Al:
Why is the news media being gentle with President Bush (The Decider)?

AL, this really troubles me! Can't sleep! Could you please shed some light on this?
-- Julie, Washington DC

Dear Julie:
Stop watching FOX News!

I hope this helped!

Difficult Making Friends

Dear Al:
My husband and I moved out to the east coast two years ago. We both have very demanding jobs and his job has him gone weeks at a time. The one thing that I am finding difficult is finding new friends. My husband's schedule is unpredicable so we can not plan around it. I am 28 years old and it seems like everyone already has a group of friends. It isn't like college and everyone is in the same position you are. I feel like such a nerd trying to make friends.
Any suggestions?
--New kid on the block

Dear New Kid:
Sucks to be you!

Seriously, making new friends takes time, but you don't have any after two years? Talk about living in a bubble!

Get involved in community activities, and I'm not talking about dealing drugs. Look into faith based community activities, sports, and special interest activities, but don't put all your eggs in one basket. If you're not interested in community activities, you're screwed! Just kidding!

If you want friends, you need to be out there, not kooked up in your home hoping someone comes knocking. Good luck, New Kid!

Your eyes are not deceiving you, it's a Meme!

I know... I know... I said I would never do a Meme, and I wasn't tagged, but I had to do this one! I got this from Sandi, who got it from Chelle, which Ramblings is also doing, who got it from Jenny, who got it from God knows who! Hopefully not Bush!

Since this Meme is missing a name, lets call it "The Ultimate Rant"


I AM: all knowing, just have bad grammar, but at least I can spell nuclear.

I SAID: to myself "Who's that freaky looking creature before me?", before I turned away from the mirror.

I WANT: a billion dollars!

I WISH: someone would give it to me.

I HATE: it when they don't!

I MISS: my Wooby!

I FEAR: someone might take the sentence before this one serious! I was just kidding people!

I HEAR: someone walking by breathing hard

I WONDER: who was walking by breathing hard

I REGRET: not looking to see who was walking by breathing hard

I AM NOT: gona find out, it could've been my wife looking to kick my ass!

I DANCE: with my kids sometimes

I SING: alone in my car, but not when I stop at a green light

I AM NOT ALWAYS: an asshole. Really!

I MADE: a beaver face because my wife farted!

I WRITE: whatever comes to mind sometimes , like "put a diaper on your head, and if you can't think, it's too tight!"

I CONFUSE: my wife sometimes, just hope she doesn't commit me!

I NEED: my own business, like making underwear protectors agains't streaks. Don't look at me, I know how to wipe my ass!

I SHOULD: get off my ass before I grow roots to my chair!

I START: smiling when I see my kids, specially this morning... glueing my wifes underwear.

I FINISH: work at various hours, just wish I had a freakin normal job! Shit! I said that out loud!

I BELIEVE: my boss just heard me! WIFEY!

I KNOW: my kids love me, and wifey does to, but not right now since she found my dirty socks on the floor.

I CAN: draw really good, but it's been a while since my wife wont let me do nudes.

I CAN’T: whistle. Look like a freakin idiot when I try!

I SEE: the world as a pretty confusing place that could be better if it wasn't for greed, and Howard Stern.

I BLOG: for the fun of it!

I READ: newspapers, blogs, online articles, and my arch nemisis Dear Abby

I AM AROUSED BY: the scent a women, when my wife is not around. ;)

IT PISSES ME OFF: when a certain person doesn't understand that what I wrote before this sentence was a joke!

I FIND: that some people can't handle the truth, only truthiness.

I LIKE: laughing, and joking! I'm an easy going guy! You can ask my wife when she's in a good mood!

I LOVE: my wife, my kids, my family, my friends, pizza, Pepsi, paper, pencils on my Penoli Pine Easel. Phew!

Don't worry people, I'm not tagging anyone. You're more than welcome to this Meme, and to use the image above, just remember me! I gave it the freakin name!

Happy Mothers Day!

My Parents Hardly Notice!

Dear Al:
I'm studying Chinese, starting to get really good SAT scores, and I'm a straight A student... my parents hardly even notice! I even placed tenth in the region for a competition and they barely glanced at my certificate. Any suggestions?
-- Suzhen, Dallas

Dear Suzhen:
See what happens when you blast music in your room... they're deaf! Sudden deafness also causes Vertigo, dizziness, loss of balance, so if by luck you do get your parents attention, it would be almost impossible for them to focus on your performance records if they're swaying all over the place. To solve this problem, catch them while they're sitting down and announce your performance with a bullhorn megaphone!
Works every time, until they're completely deaf.

I hope this helped!

What should I do?

Dear Al:
I've been stressing out lately because of my mom and the environment i live in.don't get me wrong, i love my mom to death.but my problem is,that she's mentally ill.i cry almost every night.now we cant do the things like we use to do. and the place where i live is full of drugdealers,thugs,criminals etc. the only reason why we cant move out is that we dont have enough money.kids from other apartments come out everyday to throw sticks at my moms door.i hate them.when i tell them to stop they wont and they cuss back at me.and when i go up to their face, their moms get bitchy about it.my dad goes to work everyday and tries to nurture us the best way he can.what should i do?
-- Meredith, Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Meredith:
If you haven't already, visit the official website of the City of Jacksonville, Florida. They have plenty of resources to help you and your family, just it's a little difficult to find on their site, but I found some info for ya:

* Mental Health Services
* Outreach to Elderly and Disabled Victims

I'm not sure what you could do about those idiotic kids since their parents are lowlifes! Last thing you need is a feud. These morons are not gona be kids forever, and with luck they'll be in prison before they're 25, where they're gona get hit with plenty of sticks! Karma's a bitch!

Sorry I couldn't be of more help, Meredith! Take care of yourself!