Why Didn't The Emmy Awards Pull The Plane Crash Skit?

Dear Al:
I just can't believe it! As of last night I will no longer watch the Conan O'Brien show! That dumbass played in a skit on the Emmy awards show where he's involved in a plane crash, hours after an actual plane crash in Kentucky killing all aboard! Why didn't the Emmy awards show executive producer, Ken Ehrlich, pull the plane crash skit?

Al, what the fuck is wrong with these people at NBC?
-- Joe, Lexington, Kentucky

Dear Joe:
Fuckin' NBC has to make a buck somehow, and what better way than to air a skit on the Emmy awards involving a plane crash, right after an actual plane crash!

I'm sure Conan O'Brien would have pulled the prerecorded skit from being aired if he could, but he's not the one producing the show.

Ken EhrDICK (Producer), you've done a heck of a job! Hope it's your last!

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When Should Girls Offer To Pay On A First Date?

Dear Al:
I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm embarrassed to ask my friend this:

When should girls offer to pay on a first date?
--Verrgin Geek =P , Australia

Dear Verrgin:
Not today... not tomorrow... Never! Guys want to pick up the tab, and by you insisting on paying, a guy will take this as a sign that you're not interested in them, or you're retarded. Most females who lose interest in a guy, pay, so they don't feel like they used them. So don't you ever offer to pay, unless you're in a tight relationship with someone.
Hopefully not another Kevin Federline!

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She's Always On Top!

Dear Al:
I love my girlfriend to death, but she wont try anything different when it comes to sex!
I want to bang her doggy style, do the 69er, fuck her in the ass, and do the flapjack!
But she wont budge! She's always on top!
She mostly loves riding me while I'm laying on the floor, but my ass can't take that shit anymore! She broke my tailbone!

Al, as of today, I'm wearing the pants in our relationship! I'm gona be on top from here on out! Any ideas how to get there?
-- Ron, Melbourne, Australia

Dear Ron:
If your wife doesn't own a dildo, you might have a chance to get on top!


Or maybe not!

Look... Talk to her, let her know how your ass feels! If she still wont let you get on top, tell her she can ride you as long as you're laying on a bed. If she still wont compromise, grab the nearest dildo! Good luck!

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Jason Goldman of Blogger visits Coalinga State Hospital. Will they ever let him out?

Blogger just turned 7 years old in dog years, according to Jason Goldman. "Oh, the birthday logo is a dog because of that whole "1 human year = 7 dog year" thing. And there should be more dogs in birthday hats, don'cha think?" said Jason, shortly before being escorted away by two nice men in white.

"Jason told us that he has to buy a cake for his dog," said Freddy, male nurse. "I asked him what's his dogs name, and he said Blogger", "After looking at my coworker, we straight-jacketed him"

"We're not sure how long Jason is gona stay here," said a doctor from Coalinga State Hospital, "His obsession with wanting to feed Blogger is very troubling!"

"Don't know exactly why I'm here," said Jason. "Just hope they have access to the internet, I have to walk Blogger", "Did you know Blogger is 1 year old today in human years?"

Medical staff quickly escorted Jason to the electric shock therapy room.

Update: Aug 25 - Jason Goldman, Product Manager of Blogger, escaped Coalinga State Hospital, shortly after taking his medication Thursday night. Investigators from San Francisco police department questioned Eric Case of Blogger, after reading his post on the blog Blogger Buzz, which states Jason simply resigned, when in truth he was taken to a looney bin, Coalinga.

"I'm not sure where Jason is, I thought he just quit," Said Eric, "His parking space is mine!"

Eric's cover-up post: " So long, and thanks for all the ___!"

Jason's last blog post before being commited: "For The Love Of B"

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He Wants To Keep His Options Open

Dear Al:
I am dating this guy for over a year and he wants to be able to come and go as he pleases. He doesn't want to be able to be told what to do. He has a lot of female friends and wants to be able to have them over no matter what time of day it is. They have been over his house even past 12 midnight. I'm not aware of this ahead of time, I just call and he mentions it. He says I'm acting ridiculous when I react. He never wanted to compromise with anything because he felt he would lose his identity. Lately he has been compromising with some things. We did break up briefly and got back together but he said "he wants to keep his options open" -- is he just using me until something better comes along? Or what he perceives as something better? I am still intimate with him. Should I stop? What's your opinion of this guy?
-- Christine, Philadelphia

Dear Christine:
Should I stop? WAKE-UP!!!

He tells you he wants to keep his options open, and your like "duh... okay, honey!"

This Player doesn't give a shit about you! You're just someone he has on the side when he's unable to get laid somewhere else. He's gona screw a girl carrying an STD and pass it on to you, that's if he hasn't already done so!

First step, dump his ass and don't look back! Second, get yourself checked out! Third, stop being so needy! Learn to be alone, forget about guys for a while, and just hangout with your girlfriends. Respect yourself, and the next guy will respect you!

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