How can I stop liberal drivers speeding in my neighborhood?

Dear AL:
I have two children, an eight year old and a five year old and I'm constantly worried about liberal speeders who pass through my neighborhood. My 8 year old's friends live just across the street, and he knows the rules to look both way before he crosses, but I escort him across out of fear of those crazy liberal drivers. I also fear for my safety as well as my childs since they drive so fast. Is there anything I can do to stop these liberal maniacs?

Vicki, Danger Road, surrounded by liberals

Dear Vicki:
Liberals? How do you know they're not Teabaggers?

Look, attend your next community council meeting and make a request for speed bumps. The speed bumps will also inconvenience you as well as your neighbors, but think of your family's safety. Even with speed bumps you should still cross the street with your child until these morons get use to these gentle reminders.

Just don't build your own, it's against the law!

Sexual Harrassment Complaint Over Joke

Dear AL:
I played a joke on a friend who made a sexual harrassment complaint against me. I hid under her desk, and when she came to work, I was going to surprise her by grabbing her legs, not knowing she was going to wear a dress that day. I decided not to touch her, but she saw me right away and nicked my head with a kick. I told her I was only wanted to play a joke and that I was sorry, but she pushed me out of her office and filed the complaint. Al, she always wears pants to work, and I didn't see anything when she wore a dress for the first time. They're thinking about firing me, but for the mean time moved me to a room in the basement! Al, what can I do? I'm so screwed!
-- Troubled in Australia

Yo Troubled:
You bet your ass you're screwed. I'm afraid there's nothing you can do to dig yourself out of this hole, but look at the bright side. You're still alive! :-)

Where can I watch Paris Hilton's new sex tape?

Dear AL:
Due to the restrictions at my fraternity, our internet access is carefully filtered to block porn. Do you know of any place online where I can watch Paris Hilton's new sex tape? I'm a huge fan of hers! It can be partially censored. I'll just use my imagination to fill in the blanks. Thanks!
-- Matt, amongst religious nuts

Yo Matt:
You're in luck! I found Paris Hilton's sex tape on YouTube. The only problem, it's extremely censored. Hope you have a good imagination. Enjoy!


KW's: huge fan, possible virgin, video

Shesh ist goot, nart Scheiße.

Dear AL:
mei dortta wuans becom singa. sow I helf wef her englisch ba shesh nart shor redy sing shwo ordishon. shesh sagen shesh dars nart no goot song oder shesh goot. shesh ist goot, nart Scheiße für TV. Plies helf.
-- Olga, Germany

Dear Olga:
If your daughter's English is as good as yours, tell her to sing "Ken Lee".

I hope this helped!

He doesn't have sentimental values

Dear AL:
My husband is a good man, but he doesn't have any sentimental values. He's thrown out stuff he's had as a kid, like an easel his grandmother gave him when he was a teenager 30 years ago. His easel broke, so instead of fixing it since it was fixable, he threw it out and brought a new one. You know how I feel about his lack of emotional associations that most people have about things? I'm afraid his desk might be next that I brought for his birthday 10 years ago!
-- Meagan, Canada

Dear Meagan:
He'll probably just throw out the lamp.

My pet wouldn't perform on stage

Dear AL:
Tonight me and Jewel, my pet ferret, were invited on a talk show to show off his tricks, but he wouldn't come out of his carrier. When I tried to take him out, he bit me right on stage. I think he was scared of the crowd, but tomorrow night he's gona perform if he likes it or not. Any ideas how to calm his nerves? -- Petra, Germany

Dear Petra:
Imitate him.

Good luck!

My wife's driving scares me

Hey AL:
Ever drove with a woman who takes tight turns around corners and end up facing the opposite flow of traffic, make a U-turn on a fuckin' Highway, follow other cars too close, or every other month destroy a side mirror exiting a garage? I'm married to one of those geniuses! I talked to her yesterday like many times before about going to a driving school, but she wont do it. Today she crashed into a woman's shopping cart killing all her vegetables! What's it gona take for her to understand that she can't drive for shit?
-- Dave, Idaho

Yo Dave:
This!

Any gates where you're at?

I want this lower back tattoo!

Dear AL:
Last Friday I saw one of the coolest lower back tattoos I've ever seen on a girl! I always told myself I would never get one, but now I'm thinking about going for it! How long will it hurt once I get it? -- Molly, Californya

Dear Molly from Californya:
Till you're a very old freaky lookin' woman!

What's wrong with Britney?

Dear AL:
I'm a huge fan of Britney Spears, but I'm very troubled with what's happening to her! This is not the same girl I worshipped since I was a teenager. What's wrong with her?
- Patricia, California

Dear Patricia:
She's the Antichrist! Proof Below!


Technorati Tags: Britney Spears looney bald rehab fan antichrist YouTube musicvideo

Have to make a nature documentary. Clueless!

Dear AL:
Everyone in my class has been tasked to create a nature documentary over the weekend by whatever recording means we choose to use, and it has to be turned Monday morning next week. Tomorrow we have to submit what were gona film, but I'm clueless. Can you throw me an idea of what to video tape like yesterday? Thanks!
-- Penny, Los Angeles, CA

Dear Penny:
Another innocent nature film of the Wood Spider would be nice.

Minus the drugs!

Technorati: personal, problems, advice, blog, weblog, blogger, bloggers, column, solutions, everyday, nature, movie, film, video, documentary, YouTube, videos, Wood Spider, humor, comedy

My Sons Place Is A Mess!

Dear AL:
Before my son moved into his own place, I gave him his space and never complained about his messy bedroom. What a mistake that was! Every time he invited me over to his place, it seemed to be getting worse and worse. Dirty socks on the kitchen counter, a pile of laundry on the bathroom floor, garbage bags on his balconey, and used cups and plates all over his apartment. A few days ago I finally broke and told him to clean up his place, and he tried, but today I found a plate under his couch and a moldy cup behind a cushion. I don't mean to pry into my sons life, but when is he gona learn to pick up after himself?
-- Pauline, Arizona

Dear Pauline:
Some people are hopeless cases while others just need a sign.

Hopefully it doesn't come to this!

Filed under: family matters, parenting, videos, YouTube

How Can I Tell My Girlfriend That She Sucks!

Dear Al:
I love my girlfriend to death, but she can't dance! It's so embarrassing to go clubbing with her! Even her girlfriends keep their distance when we're dancing. Last weekend I pretended that I needed to use the toilet and left her on the dance floor. I was hoping she would go back to our table, but she stayed out there dancing. As I walked off the floor I saw some guys laughing, and one imitated her moves. I pushed the guy, and he pushed me back, then we started to fight! When my girlfriend saw this, she came off the floor, then the bouncers threw us out stating it's all her fault! She then dragged me and her girlfriends (kicking and screaming) to another club!

Al, how can I tell my girlfriend that she can't dance without hurting her feelings? -- Tony, UK

Yo Tony:
Tell her that she sucks!

Look, there is no way around it, her feelings are gona get hurt. If you don't tell her now she will eventually find out, then she'll be even more mad at you for not stopping her from making a fool of herself.

Do you want to see this happen on the dance floor?

I didn't think so!

Filed under: advice, dating, relationship problems, videos, YouTube

I'm psychologicaly damaged!

Dear AL:
I still can't believe what I saw yesterday! I wanted to gouge my eyes out! I walked in on my parents in the bathroom while my mom was giving dad oral sex! It was digusting! There dad was, standing in his hairy birthday suit, while Mom performed oral sex with her pruned lips! They was sagging everywhere!

Why can't they be like normal parents and stop having sex? I know your readers will find this funny, but I'm psychologicaly damaged!
-- Grace, college student

Dear Grace:
It could have been worse!



Filed under: confused, family matters, personal problems, sex, videos, YouTube

She's Always On Top!

Dear Al:
I love my girlfriend to death, but she wont try anything different when it comes to sex!
I want to bang her doggy style, do the 69er, fuck her in the ass, and do the flapjack!
But she wont budge! She's always on top!
She mostly loves riding me while I'm laying on the floor, but my ass can't take that shit anymore! She broke my tailbone!

Al, as of today, I'm wearing the pants in our relationship! I'm gona be on top from here on out! Any ideas how to get there?
-- Ron, Melbourne, Australia

Dear Ron:
If your wife doesn't own a dildo, you might have a chance to get on top!


Or maybe not!

Look... Talk to her, let her know how your ass feels! If she still wont let you get on top, tell her she can ride you as long as you're laying on a bed. If she still wont compromise, grab the nearest dildo! Good luck!

Filed under: dating, relationship problems, sex, videos, youtube

Caught My Son Having Cybersex!

Dear AL:
One of the worst things in the world I never thought could happen happened tonight in my home! I caught my 18 year old son having cybersex! I walked into his bedroom to say goodnight, and there he was playing with himself in front of his webcam! He quickly put his penis away and turned off his computer, and I walked out in shock!

I don't know who was on the other end, just hope it wasn't a guy! Should I pretend like I didn't see anything?
-- Jolted in Seattle

Dear Jolted:
I'm sure it's not Michael Jackson on the other end, so don't worry. It's the best protection against STD's and he's not playing with someone else's flute. Everything will be ok... It could've been worse.

Bush, Blair, Endless Love Video Duet!

Tonya, thanks for writing again! I know that sometimes I come off harsh to some of my writers, but they had it coming! Um... I mean, I really enjoy helping people!

Anyway, I wish you the best Tonya! This video is going out to you, everyone who has written me, and all my blog friends/readers! Enjoy!



I'm gona see if I can find the complete version, if it exists.

Tell Me Pope Benedict's Life Is Happening!

Dear Al:
I'm obsessed with Pope Benedict XVI!
Since Benedict became Pope, I've researched everything about him, from his glory days as a Brown Shirt, up until his Popeness. What's troubling me is I think he's bored, since he's surrounded by other boring people, probably counting the cracks on his walls!

Al, please tell me that Pope Benedict's life is happening! I hate to think of his Holiness bored out of his mind!
-- Joe Schmo, Kansas City

Dear Joe:
No way is Pope Benedict's life boring, he's a free wheeling dude!
Besides traveling all over the world, and reading his latest favorite "The Da Vinci Code", he has a personal library of DVD movies to choose from!



Comments closed on posts older than 2 weeks.

An Apology To My Readers

From the responses on my blog, or lack of from a few on my blogroll on 2 entries before this one, and the anonymous hate emails I've recieved from male readers "Jonathan?" in response to my post before this one, I ruffled quite a few feathers, and I'm sorry.

Tracy, I'm sorry about my cruel jokes. Your avatar is cute, big eyed and all, and I would love to see her in my blog comments. I think I'll survive!

Jonathan, I'm sorry if I offended you with my jokes, and for calling you a dork. You didn't ask for my advice, but I was only trying to help.
I wish you luck with your son, and good luck with getting intouch with Dear Abby!

To show you how sincere I am, Jonathan, I present to you for your viewing pleasure the famous Balopsy Twins! By viewing this video, it will help feed the skinny one in shorts!



Am I the man, or what?!!!

Wife is in a Redneck Women Video

Dear AL:
Last weekend my wife discovered that she's in a hilarious video on YouTube about Redneck Women, but she's not laughing! I told her not to worry about it, since not many people have seen it, but she's not listening. Could you please help me with my wife?
-- Joe, Kentucky

Dear Joe:
Are you talking about this video?



If your wife is the first redneck or the last redneck in that video, I feel for you!

The video plays fast, so nobody will be able to pin her to it, unless she keeps complaining about it like a parrot. She'll be ok, just give her a cracker!