Can you throw me some pointers?

Dear AL:
There's this person I'm dying to hook-up with! The first time I've seen her was at a club during her stage performance with men that were dressed like women. Not sure what was up with that, and my friends tell me she's a dude, but I know in my heart she's female. Anyway, I think she might be interested because she's always looking my way during her shows. It's been a few years since I've been with a girl. Can you throw me some pointers, and maybe an escape plan if her name turns out to be Fred. Thanks!
-- Matt, California

Yo Matt:
If your friends say she's a dude, she's a DUDE! Even if she's not a dude, performers stare out into the audience. They're not looking for true love, Beaves. If you have to meet her to be sure, compliment her after the show, and go with the flow. There's no perfect line to run on the opposite or same sex, just be yourself. If she turns out to be a dude, try not to hurt Freds feelings by running away, just hook him up with one of your buddies. Chances are one or more of them are gay since they keep attending these drag queen shows. Maybe it's time you came out of the closet! Be true to yourself!

Totally incapable of enjoying my dates

Dear Al:
We broke up some 7 months ago. Her dad was diagnosed with cancer and he wanted her settle down before he dies. He is allergic to medicines so there is no real chance of him surviving. She comes from a very traditional family and the age gap of 8 years isnt appreciated (me being younger). That being said, we still love each other but her family comes first to her.

Now the problem is, I cannot seem to get over her.I tried dating other women but I felt like i was cheating her! I tried telling myself that was stupid but my stupid mind would not listen. I also felt like I was cheating the women i went out with cos I am still in love with another woman.

My friends say and i believe that the best way to get over somebody is to start dating others. But I find myself totally incapable of enjoying my dates with this guilt feeling. I cant really tell them that i am still in love with other woman, can i? And if I stop seeing others for now, I think I am just going to extend this painful period further! I know I have to stop thinking too much but how?

Yo Anonymous:
***Smack!*** Pull yourself together!

Look dude/dudette, have you ever thought about waiting? How would you feel while watching your father croak your love was dating others? He probably kicked the bucket, so she's in mourning while you're trying to forget her. Be a man and wait for her!

Your friends are morons! The last thing you should be doing is going on dates. You're wasting you're time as well as those girls, but if your friends get you to go on a few, telling a woman you're dating about a past love is the biggest mistake you can make, because her first thought will be "What the fuck are you doing, stupid?" right before excusing herself to the ladies room, never to return.

Hangout with your friends and tell them how you feel when you feel like talking about her, but not while they're trying to get some ass. Keeping things bottled up will lead to depression and watching Oprah, resulting in you're friends distancing themselves from you when they discover you're a member of her book club. Seeking professional help will prevent this fate!

You know, she could have also been bullshiting ya. She either got sick of being your mommy, or still had strong feelings for a love before you, and managed to hook up again with this person granting her dads last wish, but I could be wrong. I hope this helped!

Should I stay friends, or call it quits?

Dear AL:
So, you say you're a problem solver. Can you please help me?

See, I have this friend of mine. We've known each other for a really long time, and lately we've begun to fight a lot. Each time we fight, I end up breaking down. I used to cut myself over this friend. [But i don't now.] He's been there for me a lot - and I used to like him - we decided to try going out, but sadly, that didn't end too well. We just had another fight recently, but I don't know this time. Should I stay friends with him, or call it quits?
Thanks - <3 , California

Dear <3:
Deep down it probably upsets him that you're both not together, but being friends for a long time doesn't mean you owe him an intimate relationship, and if he doesn't understand that, then it's best to call it quits. Some people can be friends for ages and still not know each other, and if you're both fighting now, imagine when you're together.

Friends welcome each other's company, exchange advice, show understanding, and engage in mutually helping behavior, but if he's yelling "Bitch! Give me another chance!" you have a problem. Take care of yourself, move on!

Are they out there?

Hey AL:
Do you believe in aliens?
-- love boo, singapore, boochicky.blogspot.com

Dear boo:
What kind, babe?

I feel illegal aliens have a right to life, as long as they follow the rules until we ship their ass back over the border. As for ET, I'm not sure if they exist, but if they're here, they better have a Visa. I here it's pretty hot on the sun!


Note: To my next writer, I'm a problem solver. If you have a personal problem, let me help. Save your alien questions for fuckin' Dear Abby!
She's has to be one, just look at that mug --> -->

We just know each other as acquaintances

Hello AL!
A few weeks ago I sent a letter to a girl who is very paranoid about her grades. The essence of the letter was that she probably wouldn't be valedictorian (her dream), so she should just calm down about it. That's what I intended to convey, but apparently everyone else took it as me insulting her, not giving her frank advice. Now how exactly should I apologize? She and I were never really close, we just know each other as acquaintances. Any ideas for making an impression that I am sincerely apologizing? I really am sorry for bothering her.
-- Impulsive

Yo, Impulsive!
I can understand if she asked for your opinion, but you went out of your way to write this to a stranger. You're a FREAK! Keep your nose out of other peoples business and they'll stop thinking of you as an asshole with alot of time on your hands.

To apologize, tell her you're sorry for buttin' in, but not with another letter. Grab your balls, or your couch, and talk to her face to face!