He says it's for her own good

DearAL:
Our 8 year old daughter is slightly over weight, but due to proper nutrition and exercise she's lost alot, but not enough to my husband. Almost everyday after work he yanks her from her little friends and makes her walk on a kids treadmill he brought a month ago. You wont believe how much she cries, but he says it's for her own good.

Al, we don't need this machine. Any way to convince him?
-- Amy, Oregon

Dear Amy:
No SEX! But if that doesn't work, break it. Take it outside and smash it on the pavement. Use a hammer if you have to. The treadmill, not his penis!

Walking on a treadmill is nothing compared to running, jumping, and bike riding. Your daughter needs to be outside getting fresh air and exercise playing with her friends, not walking on a treadmill like an old woman. You're doing a great job with your daughter. Do what you have to do so he doesn't screw up her life.

Britney Spears told me to F-off, but why?

Dear AL:
I've been a Britney Spears fan forever, so you wont believe how excited I was when I physically bumped into her by accident at a club, but she pushed me back and yelled. I didn't realize at first what Britney said, but after a few minutes it sunk in. Britney shouted "Fuck-off bitch" as she pushed me away and walked off. I watched her videos, brought all her CD's, and been to almost every one of her concerts in town. You know how this makes me feel? What happened?
Wendy, LA

Dear Sucker:
People like you made this train wreck possible. Buying her CD's, watching her lip synch, while ignoring her insanity. This dumbass has been all over the news and you finally noticed something wrong? Wendy... boobala... wake up!

Here's a short recap for your little head:
* Britney Spears shows off crotch (it starts to talk)
* Paris Hilton fondles Britney's boobies (one pops)
* Britney shows off crotch again (Doesn't talk, but photographer throws up)
* Drunk Britney almost drops her son (K-Feb discovers his balls, talks deeper)
* Britney goes to rehab (No-Job-Fed takes custody of kids, feeds them chips)
* Britney Spears shaves head, attacks reporters car with an umbrella while shouting "I'm Gandhi!" (realizes mistake and states "I ment to say Kojak")

Still alive?

The apartment smells like shit!

Dear AL:
My wife has a problem. It doesn't matter what she eats, she just farts nonstop! Doctors say there's nothing wrong with her, that it's just something I have to learn to live with. She so use to it she doesn't notice passing gas anymore, and when I bring it up she laughs. Al, the apartment smells like shit, any suggestions?
-- David, Toronto, Canada

Yo David:
If you're not too attached, you could leave her stinky ass, you know. Threaten her with divorce if she doesn't plug that hole up!

If you can't bring yourself to say it, go buy yourself a Bic. Either she farts in the bathroom, or you'll light her ass up! Easy!

Nobody should have to put up with that shit!

Any ideas to improve our presentations?

Dear AL:
I'm a Jehovah Witness. For years I've been trying to help people by showing them the way to true salvation with the help of the Watchtower, but it hasn't been easy. I've met hundreds of people of various religions, non religious types who believe in God, alot of atheists, and about all have turned me away in under a minute. I'm sure a follower visited you, so you must know our beliefs. Do you have any ideas to improve our presentations minus the insults?
-- George, Ireland

Yo George:
Nope!

Think I want your people knocking on my door again? Well think again, buddy! Last thing I need is to be interrupted while I'm doing nothing. Why can't your people build churches like everybody else?

If you have to go door to door, why don't you guys keep record of the places that turned you away? Think I'm gona change my mind when your buddies come over the following week? Hell no! This is what's giving you guys a bad name, GEORGE!

I know some nice Jehovah Witnesses who keep to themselves, and only express their beliefs when the topic of religion is brought up. They'll talk your ear off, but at least they don't continue the conversation at my front door!

The salesman's approach is old, Beaves. Time you guys got with the times!

I want this lower back tattoo!

Dear AL:
Last Friday I saw one of the coolest lower back tattoos I've ever seen on a girl! I always told myself I would never get one, but now I'm thinking about going for it! How long will it hurt once I get it? -- Molly, Californya

Dear Molly from Californya:
Till you're a very old freaky lookin' woman!