I want to be the first

Dear AL:
My girlfriend just has a record of leaving all her ex-boyfriends hanging, not actually breaking up with them. I want to be the first because I know she isn't in to me any more and I know that breaking up would just kill her. I really don't want that. HELP!!!
-- dyvius, Colorado

Yo Dyvius:
You want to be the first what? Lay?

How can you be the first of anything if she's not into you? Move on dude. Masturbate. She'll be alright, believe me.

Can't stand my name!

Dear AL:
Way back when I was a child I loved my birth name, Pony, that's until someone pulled my ponytail in first grade, and all the nicknames that followed. Today at 20 I'm finally gona change it, just drives me crazy that my mom wont tell me why she named me this. Have any indeas?
-- Samantha (soon to be name), Oklahoma

Dear Sam:
You don't want to know.

I just want to go to school

Hey AL:
Last week I got suspended because of my pants. I'm one of the smartest kids in class, but these fools attacked me anyway with this sagging pants law, and it hasn't even been approved by the House of Representatives. I wear long shirts, so no one sees my underwear, plus my style saves time when I go to the toilet. :)

Al, I'm not a trouble maker. I just want to go to school without worrying about how I'm dressed.
-- Lamont, Florida

Yo Lamont:
Pull your drawers up and you'll be ok.

Yeah, it's a stupid law, and it doesn't have to go into statewide effect for your school to adopt it. Look, save your droopy fashion statement for after school, and pray your ass (No diss intended) doesn't get tasered if it becomes state law. Simple!

Don't want to make a mariburjeka out of myself

Dear AL:
Last year you gave me advice about a girl I was interested in, but like my friends said, and you, she was a dude. There's this other girl that works at this club that seems to like me. Now she's not performing on stage, so she has to be female. Everytime I come through the door, she always smiles and says hi before taking me to my table. My friends are not 100% sure this time if she's a man, and seem to think she's hot, which is a good sign. Al, I want to chance it and ask her out, but don't want to make a mariburjeka out of myself. What would you do in my shoes?
-- Matt, California

Yo Matt:
Get the fuck out!

Not sure how you can think there's any females in that club. 99.9% of everyone in there are males, dudes, salami packers! Now either you and your friends are morons, or deep down you want to get planted. Your friends are probably gay, which is not bad. They just see that you're not sure of your own sexuality, specially since you're interested in these men... I mean girls... whatever... I bet your friends don't want to really hook you up with someone from that club. They're just testing the grounds before they grab your ass, or d---!

If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't be in that club in the first place, but since your shoes are already through the door, I suggest you straight up ask that girl if she's a guy or not. Fred's brother could be working their!

Sorry, but what is mariburjeka?

Dear AL:
Sorry, but what is mariburjeka?
-- Jane, Korea, Republic of

Dear Janebot:
You mean you don't know? Sad.

Figure you know by now since you've been asking this spam question all over the internet:
Google - "Sorry, but what is mariburjeka?"

To the Janebot programer who unleashed this spambot crawler, you forgot to add a link, moron!