My breast implants are crooked. Nipple out of place!

Dear AL:
Not long ago I got myself breasts implants and from day one I noticed they're uneven. One boob is lower than the other and a nipple is out of place! An inch and a half higher and my nipple would be under my chin! The plastic surgeon told me that it was normal after surgery and that it would correct itself, but they haven't! I have to wear padding to make my breasts look level, but then one looks smooth while the other one is perky. Just pointing to my face!

I want to see another plastic surgen to fix this, but my breasts are under warranty. I'm afraid the surgen who implanted them will mess up again, but at the same time a new surgeon could make matters worse. What should I do?
-- Molly, California

Dear Molly:
Return your boobies! More than likely the surgeon who done your implants will mess up again, or he might get lucky leveling your breasts, but your nipples might end up cockeyed.

If your breasts are under warranty like a Michelin tire, return them and get a full refund. Don't forget to get the before photos so the next surgeon could restore your rack back to what they were before, that's unless you want to chance augmentation again. Just a few words of warning... Implants wear after a few years and you will be back for a tune-up, but more than likely a clean-up. A nipple staring you dead in the eye will be the least of your worries. Think about your health!

Avira Free Antivirus installed Ask.com trojan, AskStub.exe


Dear AL:
I was a long time user of Avira Free Antivirus up until it infected my computer with a replicating trojan. While installing Avira, it asked if I wanted to install the Ask.com toolbar which I declined. Well Avira secretly installed a trojan belonging to Ask.com called the AskStub. For over a week the AskStub.exe trojan has been trying to access the internet from various locations on my operating system, but my Zonealarm firewall blocked each attempt displaying where this trojan was located at the time. Not knowing it was linked to Avira, I tried using Avira Free Antivirus to detect it, but it found nothing. I then decided to uninstall Avira Free Antivirus since it couldn't detect it and while doing so it paused while Ask.com's AskStub trojan attempted to access the internet again. Suspicious, I cancelled the uninstallation of Avira, then attempted the uninstallation again of Avira which activated the AskStub trojan again. Thinking this had to be a coincidence, I cancelled and restarted the uninstallation of Avira Free Antivirus and it launched the AskStub trojan again! Each time I cancelled the uninstallation of Avira using Windows Task-Manager, Avira's uninstallation would remain paused on my screen until I commanded ZoneAlarm to block the AskStub trojan. Why is that? Why is this happening? What is Avira trying to deliver to Ask.com?
-- Mr. Avira Hater, Silicon Valley

Hey Mr.:
Avira is delivering your soul! Avira is making money from Ask.com by installing the AskStub trojan on to your computer. The AskStub trojan is like a hidden autonomous browser, hijacking, zombifying your system to visit Ask.com to make it seem to advertisers that Ask.com is popular which is why they paid Avira to make this trojan as part of their antivirus install. This trojan might even be clicking links to visit advertisers websites to make it seem you're interested in their products. Your system might have been checking out Viagra and other enchancements products, giving away your email like you're desperate for a pecker-picker-upper. Excuse me if you are!

Anyway, by Avira Free Antivirus installing the AskStub trojan onto your computer, makes Avira Free Antivirus a trojan itself. If Avira went this far to the dark side, don't be surprised if Avira leaves a little something behind when you do uninstall it. If you're never to use there product again which they know will happen, they are sure as hell going to try to continue to make some money from this loss. You're probably visiting sites selling blow-up dolls at this very moment! Hopefully you haven't brought one!

Buy yourself a good antivirus!

I'm in a abusive relationship with my wife.



Dear AL:
My wife of 50 years is very abusive to me. If I come home a few minutes late from work she yells. When I find something funny, she states my laugh is disgusting. When we have friends over she makes fun of my clothes and mocks everything I say. Last weekend while I rehearsed a hymn with my mother, she told us both to shut the f-up! She constantly calls me scheissekopf, arsch gesicht, hundin, and yells Leck mich am Arsch! I'm at my wit's end with this woman! How can I stop her verbal abuse?
-- Brian, Baltimore

Yo Brian:
Hide her dentures!

Seriously, she sounds like she's suffering from dementia. And if you haven't already, get her diagnosed. Guaranteed she's going to start calling ya douchebag, but you'll know she's a fruitcake or a bitch. Either way you could commit her easily, but if you still love her, buy yourself earplugs. She'll stop harrassing ya knowing you can barely hear her, but don't be surprised if she buys a megaphone. If she loves to fight, let her do it with a nurse!

Life is short, and for you it's shorter. Make the best of the years you have left.

Thanksgiving turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole... friends?

Hey AL:
I prepared a perfectly roasted turkey. Seasoned it for 2 days. Have mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, yams and green bean casserole. Lots of stuffing, dressing and dinner rolls. Cran berry sauce up the ying yang and 4 punkin pies. All this is ready to eat, but no one is here. How do I invite guests at the last minute?
-- Brandon, New York

Yo Brandon:
Call and old folks home.

Dude, invitations are planned in advance. You don't prepare a thanksgiving dinner and hope someone smells it. You could try phoning people if you have friends, but more than likely they have plans. The best thing you could do right now is bring everything to a shelter or call and old folks home. All this good food shouldn't have to go to waste.

Think of the needy today, and I don't mean yourself. You have a whole 12 months to make friends for next Thanksgiving. Start today by helping a few in your area.

How to fix an over brine thanksgiving turkey



Dear AL:
My thanksgiving dinner is ruined! Right now everyone is sitting in the livingroom waiting on my turkey which tastes like the Dead Sea! My bird usually tastes great after brining it with salt and spices for a couple of days, but the turkey my husband brought home was KOSHER! It was already salted to death and I added on top of that! Al, I don't want to feed my guests only stuffing. What can I do?!
-- Army wife, Germany


Dear Army wife:
Send your husband to McDonalds.

Look... I'm sure it's late over there. The only thing you could do is feed them stuffing and whatever else you have prepared. No way you'll be able to fix that turkey. Your bird might be ruined, but don't let that ruin the rest of the night. Be thankful your friends showed up to fill up on bread.

I'm sure everyone would get a good laugh out of this, that's unless they're porkers who were looking to get stuffed, then you're screwed!

Happy thanksgiving!