I'm psychologicaly damaged!

Dear AL:
I still can't believe what I saw yesterday! I wanted to gouge my eyes out! I walked in on my parents in the bathroom while my mom was giving dad oral sex! It was digusting! There dad was, standing in his hairy birthday suit, while Mom performed oral sex with her pruned lips! They was sagging everywhere!

Why can't they be like normal parents and stop having sex? I know your readers will find this funny, but I'm psychologicaly damaged!
-- Grace, college student

Dear Grace:
It could have been worse!

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At The End Of My Rope!

Dear Al:
I'm not sure what's wrong with me! I never see the bright side of things. I'm constantly nagging about every little thing. I'm very clingy, but when I get rejected, I go crazy! I pick fights with my coworkers for stupid stuff almost everyday. I talk alot of shit, but lately no one is listening! What's worse is that I can't take a joke, specially when it's not directed at me!

Al, I'm at the end of my rope! What's wrong with me?
-- Courtney, Texas

Dear Courtney:
You're NUTS! Um... I mean... Aren't those your nuts above?

Life is short, enjoy it! Don't turn it into a hassel. Keep your nose our of other peoples business! I know for some people that's not easy, and if that's the case with you, seek help.

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There's Gona Be Some Changes Around Here!

Since things are slow, I'm gona repost old messages, minus the comments. Every once in a while I'll have open comments, depending if things pick up again.

I'm also gona re-add an email form in the right sidepanel later today to make it easier to submit your messages.

I know I could make up fake messages to myself, but you know how much work that is? Huh! Don't make me go Al upside your head! Dammit!

Lindsay Lohan this... Lindsay Lohan that... Enough already!

Dear AL:
What the fuck is up with the media?
"Lindsay Lohan breaks wrist in fall", "Lindsay Lohan tells her mum to go to hell", "Lindsay Lohan Takes on the White Oprah", "Lindsay Lohan Picks the Crust between her Toes," Who fuckin cares!

One more news story about Lindsay Lohan, I'm gona fuckin kill somebody!
-- Britney, California

Dear Britney:
Jane Fonda is worried about Lindsay Lohan!


Look, just change the channel when they talk about , ignore articles about her. We can't stop the news media from reporting crap, but we can send them a message by ignoring them.

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I Feel Like I'm Taking Crazy Pills!

Dear Al:
This is driving me crazy! Everytime my stay at home wife gets her hands on a bag of chips, box of Lucky Charms, or whatever, she tears into it like a fuckin rat, leaving a huge mess in the cabinets! When we eat at the table, it's like she forgets there's food on it, so she opens up a newspaper on top of everything like a freakin retard! She lets the garbage overflow with tons of gnats everywhere! She always fuckin messes up the backyard shed! I mean how hard is it to put things back where you got it from? She just throws things in there in a pile that I can't reach my freakin tools when I need them!

Al, I talked to her about this a million times! WTF is going on?
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
-- Mike, living in a pigpen

Yo Mike:
Sounds like you both have kids! If not... RUN!

Maybe she's overwhelmed with the house work, and is crying out for help, or she's just a pig! Give her a hand, and if possible, convince her to find a hobby or job to get her out of the house! Maintaining a home is hard work, she can't do it alone!

The next time she opens a newspaper over food, pour your drink on it, but not during dinner time, unless you want a Ginsu steak knife in your ass! I hope this helped!

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Give Your Former Employer The Finger

Dear Al:
I started a new blog where people can submit pictures of themselve standing in front of an old place of employment giving it the finger, along with a story of why their former employer deserves the finger. How long should I wait for people to start submitting stuff before shutting it down? Do you think it will go anywhere?
-- Planeswalker, fingerphoto.blogspot.com

Yo Planeswalker:
You're not paying for this blog, so why shut it down? It's a great idea!

Blogs don't become popular over night, it takes time. One way to get noticed right away is to create a video to promote it of people giving the finger to former employers (minus the employers name or logo so you wont get sued for Copyright infringement) while stating how they feel in few words as possible like "You suck!", "You can shove those $6", "Flip your own damn burgers!", "FUCK YOU!!!", ending it with "Give your former employer the finger!" " and a link to your blog, then post it on YouTube!

No! I wasn't voicing personal resentment above of a former employer!
You people!

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Dear Al, you're on notice. - Stephen Colbert

Just to let you know, I've put you on notice. FOX News is gona be giving you a call if you don't appear on my show.

Ok... I can't make them call you, but I'm working on it.

Your telling of the cold hearted truth to your writers annoys me!
-- Stephen Colbert, where ever there's

Dear Wannabe:
If you was really Stephen Colbert, I just might come on the show, but since your not, kiss my ass!

Have a nice day!

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WTF is Holiday Mathis Trying To Say?

Dear Al:
I've been playing Lotto forever, and haven't won a thing. My astrology sign stated yesterday that I have a good chance this week, but today it states "Gorillas show they're in love by picking nits off of one another."

What the fuck is Holiday Mathis trying to say?
-- The Player, http://lotterynumberspicker.blogspot.com

Yo Player:
She's horny! I hope this helped!

Welcome to Blogger, and good luck playing Lotto!

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Veered Off Course! Sorry!

Too all my readers, and to some of the people I responded to, I'm sorry. After seeing where my blog is heading by my two posts before this one, and a few others, it's not a pretty picture. Originally all I wanted to do was give advice with a touch of sarcasm, but instead I bashed some people. Now there were some writers that had it coming, but a few misguided souls didn't deserve this.

From here on out I'm gona try to be a better man, you all deserve this, except for a few dummies! :)

How Can I Make Xiaxue Take Me As Her Man?

Hey Al!
I'm very upset! Xiaxue, a blogger who is love of my life is denying me! How can she not feel the conectshion when I rite her on her blog? She's famous, so I can understand this has clouded her dinking, but this making me sad. We belong together! Al, how can I make Xiaxue to take me as her man?
-- Soulmate, Xiaxue's blog

Yo Soul:
Get a hold of yourself! Maybe doesn't feel the connection because you can't fuckin' write! The only person who's thinking is clouded is yours, natureboy. You're not the only person who has fallen head over heals for her, but you might be the only moron online who thinks he's Xiaxue's soulmate.

Move along, you don't have a chance!

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Hav Probim Mit My Gurlfren, Can Yo Helf Me?

Dear Al:
I lik yor blog bus I do nos undorstan it bus das es oka. I hav probim mit my gurlfren becoors she can nos see me wen a cha on da do dat.
Can yo helf me? --Yurgen, Austria

Dear Yurgen:

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