Local national installation pass violation

Dear AL:
Every other week when I work the late shift with my coworker, he goes shopping with his friend for about an hour and a half. He's a German local national with restrictions on his installation pass which is only good for going to work and that's it, but he's telling me he's allowed to leave his place of duty to get something to eat. Only thing he's been going to the shopette which sells snacks and alcohol with an American family member and when he gets back he pulls his dinner out of his backpack which he makes at home. I think he's buying alcohol because his speech is slurred by the time we close shop! My problem is that I've been delegated to run our facility while our boss is on vacation, and usually when this happens it's party time for my coworker. Besides going on his shopping spree, he sometimes leaves work early and comes to work late the following day hammered, but that doesn't stop him from roaming around post. He's a nice guy and I hate confrontation, but I'm afraid for my livelyhood. I'm not married to a service member. I'm just a civilian that can be easily fired. What can I do?!
-- Troubled in Germany

Dear Troubled:
Grab your balls/cooch and report his ass! This Pilstard might act nice, but in reality he thinks you're a chump or he wouldn't be leaving his place of duty, risking your job as well as his over a six pack of corona. He could be under surveillance, so you stating to the authorities that you didn't know he left the building wont hold water if he's done this more than once. Take care of yourself because he obviously doesn't care about you. I bet he hasn't offered you a drink, so what does that say?

Hottie playing hard to get

Hey AL:
There's this hot girl I work with on my floor who's playing hard to get. My friends and hers tell me that she likes me. This hottie even tells me herself... wants to go out, but something always comes up at the last minute that she can't meet. I catch her looking at me throughout the day, but I'm not getting anywhere! How can I convince her to give me a chance? Why is she so hard to get?
-- Scott, New York City

Yo Scott:
She's probably doing you a favor.

Still interested?

My employee spreads lies about coworkers

Dear AL:
I have this employee (relative) that does nothing but complain. Since her fear of customers and boredom, she spreads lies about her coworkers, trying to prevent them from doing their jobs so they stay by her side. What can I tell her to straighten her out?
-- Diana, Texas

Dear Diana:
Tell her to STFU!

From the sounds of it, she's probably older than dirt, and it's no ones fault she can't handle the job. Tell her to get with the program or you will give her walking papers. If she continues, without hesitation, put her out to pasture! Be strong or you will lose good workers because her. Screw it if it's your mother!

KW's: hostile work environment

I'm being harassed at work!

Dear AL
There are these people that keep harassing me every week at my job. When they order food at the drive threw they always ask for whoppers knowing full well they're at McDonalds! What can I tell these people to leave me alone?
-- Upset in Seattle Washington

Dear Upset:
Tell them no pork at all.

Um.. upset... you work at a fast food place. Maybe it's the same jokers harassing you every week, but I bet they're probably confused customers. I don't know how many times I asked for happy meals at Burger King, so this might be the case.

If it is the same people, have your supervisor take the order. Don't burst a vessel over this, or you'll never make manager!

What would Ronald do?

He stopped wearing his flag pin

Dear AL:
Since forever everyone where I work have been wearing flag pins, that's up until a few weeks ago. They stopped wearing it like it was out of style. Me and a friend of mine continued to wear it, but he stopped wearing his as of today. What the hell is this country coming too? A true patriot loves his country and the American flag! This is all Obama's fault! What can I do to make them see that by wearing it we would know where their hearts stands when it comes to our country?
-- Joan, New York

Dear Joan:
If you need to wear a flag pin to show your a true patriot, you're a freakin' idiot! Love for your country starts in the heart, not a flag pin, but if you need to be reminded when you look in the mirror, keep yours on. Not everyone is blessed with a functional brain to express their patriotism, so we'll understand.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, several, 8

Hi AL:
I am a a thirty-fivish man who works in a small office. And even though I never went to college, I pride myself (non-annoyingly) on using words correctly. As I watch my culture crumble around me, I am particularly pained by the carelessness with which certain words are used. And this by so-called educated people. For example, people will say "I have a real dilemma here", but then they go on to describe a situation that does not have "two equally desirable options that are mutually exclusive". What they really find them selves in could be more properly described as a "pickle". But, as I say, I try not to be annoying about it. I just seethe silently, shaking my head at the general ignorance of people. I don't want to be going around wagging my finger at people like some kind of "word cop". I'm not perfect myself (as evidenced by the glaring grammatical errors in this very entry!) But today I find myself in a situation that (I feel) might call for some action. A superior of mine, today requested that I do something (it isn't important to describe what I do here) "several" times. Desiring more specificity (Hey, I'm not here for fun!) I requested that he tell me EXACTLY how many times he wanted me to do this thing. And he (with great frustration) replied "Why, SEVEN times!" I then realized that this man ( both my superior and a few years my elder ) has gotten to this stage in life thinking that "several" means "seven". I feel this is so egregious an error that he must be advised of it. I mean, this is a person on whom I am depending on for my bread and butter. What if he says this in front of a client? It's also undermining my respect for him, eating away at it like a cloud of termites. However, I feel that he will probably react with anger and shame if I bring it up. He's not the sort of person who takes criticism well. The whole thing will probably wind up biting me in the butt. In short, I find myself in a bit of a pickle. Should I say something? If so, how can I do it in a way that does not backfire?
-- blue lanugo, Pasadena CA
www.blue-lanugo.com

Yo Blue:
Personally, I would take this up with your boss before he makes a fool of himself, several times, but if he happens to also think "a few" means "three", kiss your job goodbye. Nobody critiques his vernacular!

When your boss states several to you in front of clients, you now know what he means, so don't worry about it. Take a deep breath, count to severalteen, and you'll be OK. Easy!

Excuse my gramma.

Lost job due to April Fools' Day prank

Dear AL:
Today I lost my job after pulling an April fools' prank on my boss that was a little over the top. I dropped him an email using an anonymous form online, pretending to be his girlfriend who works here, stating she's breaking up with him, and for him to leave her alone. After reading this email, he charged out of the office, and crashed into a coworker, spilling hot coffee on both of them. Megan, his girlfriend stood up and asked if he was ok, and he shooted back "F--- you bitch! You can keep to yourself!" and charged back into his office. I later then apologized to Megan for what happened, and about an hour later my boss called me into his office, showed me the email, and told me to pack my things. I told him I was sorry, but he just looked at me and said "buh bye darling," and called security.

My boss and Megan patched things up, just wonder how I can. It was a stupid joke, but I really need this job. Is there anything I can say or do to get it back?
-- Brian, Georgia

Yo Brian:
You're joking right? No?

Fool!

Look, mail your boss a new shirt, then call him to plead for your job. If that doesn't work you can take it to the next level, the human resource office, and maybe they can mediate something between you two. If you're a good worker, he can't fire you because of a joke, but since you caused him bodily harm with that hot cup of coffee, and mental anguish between him and his girlfriend, he has a case to get rid of your ass.

It doesn't look good, but you'll be ok. The government still makes cheese!

Can I copy your blogs template?

Dear AL:
I had it at my job. I've been working for a paper forever, 5 years to be exact, and every time when I think I can move up, they bring someone new from the outside. The last guy didn't even had the experience, and I had to train him! Train him how to be a managing editor!

AL, I'm quiting as of today and starting an advice column like yours. Can I copy your blogs template?

April fool's! About the blog part. :)
-- Josh, Minnesota

Yo Josh:
No wonder you didn't get the job, you're a moron.

When you try to pull off an April Fools Day joke, specially in an email, you don't state April fools within the same message as the joke, Beaves.

Now get back to your cubicle, and stop being a chump. You are hired to do a job, not to train someone to be your boss. Remember that!

I'm old, plus this is a major red mark!

Dear AL:
Word is going around that I'm about to get the boot. I've been working for our advertising firm for over 7 years, made them millions of dollars, but recently we lost a contract due to laptop malfunctions during a presentation. Me and my secretary tried to show a presentation on similar laptops, but those computers crashed. My boss thinks this happened due to incompetence, not the cheap laptops he brought that eveyone complains about, including a secretary he's fucking. Al, no one is gona hire me if my boss gets me fired! I'm old, plus this is a major red mark! What can I do to prevent him from dragging my name through the mud? He just ordered us to turn in all laptops to him for new ones.
-- Jason

Yo Jason:
Would have been nice if you told us the brand name and model of those laptops so we don't make the mistake of buying it. I hope your ass gets fired! :P

Anyway, it sounds like your boss is trying to cover his tracks with the new laptops, but there's just one problem, George probably used company funds to buy the old laptops as well as the new ones, so there's a record. Document the laptop malfunctions you had during the presentation as well as the complaints made about these machines by fellow employees. Make a formal complaint with your companies human resource office, or take this matter over your bosses head to his boss to point out the faulty laptops he brought. Start a blog and tell the world, and let your coworkers know because it will get back to the CEO's, but make no threats of blackmail like a dumbass, not even as a joke. No company wants it's name dragged through the mud over the internet for wrongly accussing someone for anothers persons incompetence. Last thing, pray your boss is not sleeping with his boss, or you're fucked!

Should I tell my MD that I'm stupid?

Dear AL:
My managing director told me about a job possibility for me and told me to apply and it would be a matter of course, but not to talk about it with others. He said he had already spoken to my direct boss and the person who would be my new boss. I applied for the new job as I was told to and I was seen by many people in this persons office (not somewhere I usually go) I felt I needed to make my current boss feel I was not going behind his back as he can be very difficult. I told him and he had not been told by the MD that this was what they had decided for me! What I want to know is should I tell the MD that I have been stupid?
-- Hailey

Dear Hailey:
You lost me on that last sentence. Not sure why you should tell your managing director that you're stupid, but if you feel like it, more power to ya!

Maybe your MD told your direct boss and he forgot, or was going to tell him after he lied to you. You didn't do anything wrong, so don't worry about it. For future reference, if something like this ever comes up again, let your current boss know what you're about to do before you do it. This way you wont feel like telling your company President that you're stupid.

Technorati: personal, problems, advice, blog, weblog, blogger, bloggers, column, solutions, everyday, workplace, confused

She doesn't love me any more.

Dear AL:
I'm a long time reader of yours and blog friend, and when I discovered you stopped blogging I almost died! Choked on my Cornflakes! Thankfully I have your old email address, so I hope you don't mind me asking you for help.

For the last few weeks my Boss has been ignoring me like I don't exist. We still talk business, but she doesn't rub my shoulders or pat my butt anymore. I miss that! I know to someone else this would be sexual harrassment, but this person is the girl of my dreams.

I didn't become ugly over night, so what gives?
-- Davis, Idiana

Yo Davis:
I don't know who the hell you are, but you must be ugly. Why else would she be giving you the cold shoulder?

She must have heard rumors about your looks, and to verify this she had her eyes checked which resulted in her first pair of glasses, then "Bam!" she disinfected her hands, never to touch your ass again!

Seriously, dude, she probably just wants to keep things professional in the office, so you better back off. Nobody likes needy people, specially if they're fugly.

Where the hell is Idiana?

Technorati: advice, blog, blogger, love, workplace, boss, manager, relationships, risky business, employee, needy

I Hate My Job!

Dear Al:
I am just out of school and have been working for almost a year in a job that pays well, gave me car, an expense account, a computer, a cell phone, insurance, the whole shebang (not sure if that is actually how you spell shebang). The thing is, I HATE my job and have hated it just about since I started. I've been saying for 6 months that I am going to quit, but I haven't gone through with it. In the last fews weeks I have gotten kinda lazy and started slacking off in day to day responsibilities - I think the end is near. I would quit today if I knew I had a another job waiting for me, but that is alot easier said than done.
I have a couple leads that look promising, but you never know what could come of that. My current employer knows nothing of my discontent and it is really going to blow them away. I know the smart thing to do is just to ride it out until I find something, but I have gotten so lazy in my job the last few weeks that it would be hard continue like this. I want to free myself from this job, this burden that I have created in my life, and clear my thoughts...but I don't know how smart it is to go without real income and insurance. Should I quit now, breath a little easier, and continue my search for a new job (possibly taking a part time); or should I trudge through the next few weeks, continuing my laziness until something better comes up?
-- Jackson, Alabama

Dear Jackson:
You know what's gona come up if you continue your laziness for the next few weeks? A boot in your ass!

Pull yourself out of this slump, be the best at what you was hired to do, while you're looking for another job. No new employer will hire you if your old employer states that you SUCKED, but McDonalds might give you a chance.

To my readers who responded to my entry before this one, you are all worthy!

I'm Being Sexually Harassed

Dear AL:
For the past month and a half at my new job, my butt ugly supervisor I nicknamed Stinky has been sexually harassing me. At first I thought he was just trying to make me feel at home, since I was new. It all started when I had a problem with my computer, which Stinky offered his help. He leaned over my shoulder with his face to look at my monitor, that we was cheek to cheek. I then heard him sniffing my perfume, and when I got a whif of him, I felt like throwing up! He smells like a smoker who eats horse crap!

He's always walking into my cubicle while I'm working, most of the time sneaking in so he can rub my shoulders, but last week Stinky played with my hair! Everywhere I go, Stinky shows up, and always sits next to me during meetings! He asked me out one time, but I told him I was taken, so he said "a little affair goes a long way", Quid Pro Quo.

Al, what can I do about Stinky? It's bad enough he smells like shit, the man is geting on my nerves!
-- Harrassed, Big-Ass Corporation

Dear Harassed:
Sorry Stinky is doing more than smelling up your airspace, time to set his ass straight! Keep telling him firmly to stop, talk about it with others, while Documenting and keeping copies of dates, times, and witnesses of everything that's happening, emails that are related to the harassment, even if it's anonymous, negative actions that you experience because of your refusal to submit to sexually harassing behavior, poor evaluation, a demotion, or low grade because of your refusal to cooperate with the sexual demands.

Buy yourself one of those tiny voice activated tape recorders, and hide it somewhere close to your computer, or better, wire yourself. Keep copies of the tapes at home. You need as much evidence as possible, specially if Stinky is popular, so they can't take his word over yours and give you the boot, but more than likely they are looking for an excuse to get rid of Funky Ass Breath!

Once you collected enough evidence to fry Stinky, go out and buy yourself one of these handy dandy gas masks, and every time mr. Funk Breath walks into your office cubicle, scream "GAS!", and put it on! After a few times of doing this, Stinky should get the picture, or have a heart attack! Then proceed to your companys Human Resource office and file your complaint, just remember to take the mask off!

Visit the Sexual Harassment Support site, that's where I got most of my information. They don't have any advice if the harasser stinks, but I got you covered!