I'm Not Raising Him!

Dear Al:
Since we've moved into the neighborhood, my 4 year old daughter befriended an annoying little brat her age that keeps visiting us! Besides talking with a speech impediment that sounds like someone scratching a chalkboard, this boy doesn't listen. Everytime he does something idiotic, I have to tell this moron about half a dozen times to stop while he's looking at me with this stupid smile on his face that makes me want to kick his parents ass! His parents don't give a damn about him, which is why I let this kid in sometimes so he wont play in the streets alone! Did I mention this marvel is just 4 years old?!!!

Al, I know it's not the kids fault he acts like an animal, but I'm not gona raise him! HELP!
-- Matt, UK

Dear Matt:
This kids a moron? Who's the one baby sitting him? Duh!

Listen Beavis, instead of complaining to me, how about complaining to the authorities about these neglectful parents! The only moron here is you if you can't figure this out for yourself.

Visit NSPCC, UK's free online specialised child protection resource.

How Can I Meet Nice Guys?

Dear Al:
I am 25 years old gal and I have never been in a relationship before...is there anyway you can teach me how I could get to meet some nice guys? I am a really quiet type and not those kind of outgoing person and I am not the type of ppl who are good at socialising either and gets very nevous when I am in a crowded places.....am I a hopeless case?
-- Cherry, China

Dear Cherry:
Nothing is hopeless! I'm AL, Dammit!

First expand your view of what a nice guy is, or you may never meet one. It's nice if they have alot money, smart, funny, with great looks, but chances of meeting that guy is pretty slim. I'm not saying to go out with Henry Earl, just don't be so picky!

When a group of guys approach you and your girlfriends, see if you notice if any of them have a problem making eye contact, nervous, with a not so sure look on his face. Sometimes this type of nice guy stays behind at the bar or table since he's shy himself, while his friends hit on you.
If this nice guy tries to talk to you, there's a good chance he'll say something stupid like "Ever heard of Jackie Chan?", since he's nervous like yourself, but if you give him a chance things might work out.

Maybe you should give that guy you only like as a friend, that you've known for years a chance. That nice guy might be right under your nose!

What's Up With The News?

Dear Al:
Why is the news media being gentle with President Bush (The Decider)?

AL, this really troubles me! Can't sleep! Could you please shed some light on this?
-- Julie, Washington DC

Dear Julie:
Stop watching FOX News!

I hope this helped!

Difficult Making Friends

Dear Al:
My husband and I moved out to the east coast two years ago. We both have very demanding jobs and his job has him gone weeks at a time. The one thing that I am finding difficult is finding new friends. My husband's schedule is unpredicable so we can not plan around it. I am 28 years old and it seems like everyone already has a group of friends. It isn't like college and everyone is in the same position you are. I feel like such a nerd trying to make friends.
Any suggestions?
--New kid on the block

Dear New Kid:
Sucks to be you!

Seriously, making new friends takes time, but you don't have any after two years? Talk about living in a bubble!

Get involved in community activities, and I'm not talking about dealing drugs. Look into faith based community activities, sports, and special interest activities, but don't put all your eggs in one basket. If you're not interested in community activities, you're screwed! Just kidding!

If you want friends, you need to be out there, not kooked up in your home hoping someone comes knocking. Good luck, New Kid!

Your eyes are not deceiving you, it's a Meme!

I know... I know... I said I would never do a Meme, and I wasn't tagged, but I had to do this one! I got this from Sandi, who got it from Chelle, which Ramblings is also doing, who got it from Jenny, who got it from God knows who! Hopefully not Bush!

Since this Meme is missing a name, lets call it "The Ultimate Rant"


I AM: all knowing, just have bad grammar, but at least I can spell nuclear.

I SAID: to myself "Who's that freaky looking creature before me?", before I turned away from the mirror.

I WANT: a billion dollars!

I WISH: someone would give it to me.

I HATE: it when they don't!

I MISS: my Wooby!

I FEAR: someone might take the sentence before this one serious! I was just kidding people!

I HEAR: someone walking by breathing hard

I WONDER: who was walking by breathing hard

I REGRET: not looking to see who was walking by breathing hard

I AM NOT: gona find out, it could've been my wife looking to kick my ass!

I DANCE: with my kids sometimes

I SING: alone in my car, but not when I stop at a green light

I AM NOT ALWAYS: an asshole. Really!

I MADE: a beaver face because my wife farted!

I WRITE: whatever comes to mind sometimes , like "put a diaper on your head, and if you can't think, it's too tight!"

I CONFUSE: my wife sometimes, just hope she doesn't commit me!

I NEED: my own business, like making underwear protectors agains't streaks. Don't look at me, I know how to wipe my ass!

I SHOULD: get off my ass before I grow roots to my chair!

I START: smiling when I see my kids, specially this morning... glueing my wifes underwear.

I FINISH: work at various hours, just wish I had a freakin normal job! Shit! I said that out loud!

I BELIEVE: my boss just heard me! WIFEY!

I KNOW: my kids love me, and wifey does to, but not right now since she found my dirty socks on the floor.

I CAN: draw really good, but it's been a while since my wife wont let me do nudes.

I CAN’T: whistle. Look like a freakin idiot when I try!

I SEE: the world as a pretty confusing place that could be better if it wasn't for greed, and Howard Stern.

I BLOG: for the fun of it!

I READ: newspapers, blogs, online articles, and my arch nemisis Dear Abby

I AM AROUSED BY: the scent a women, when my wife is not around. ;)

IT PISSES ME OFF: when a certain person doesn't understand that what I wrote before this sentence was a joke!

I FIND: that some people can't handle the truth, only truthiness.

I LIKE: laughing, and joking! I'm an easy going guy! You can ask my wife when she's in a good mood!

I LOVE: my wife, my kids, my family, my friends, pizza, Pepsi, paper, pencils on my Penoli Pine Easel. Phew!

Don't worry people, I'm not tagging anyone. You're more than welcome to this Meme, and to use the image above, just remember me! I gave it the freakin name!

Happy Mothers Day!