His Shoplifting Is Too Much!

Dear AL:
I'm married to the most wonderful man on the planet who is a compulsive shoplifter. Everytime we go shopping he has to steal something, usually gum or a candy bar. Yesterday he went big time and shoplifted a salami. A freakin' Salami! When we got into our car he laughed and said "look at this" while unzipping his fly. I yelled at him to wait till we're home, but he said "this can't wait", and pulled out a salami! At first it was funny until he pulled out a pack of beef jerky, and then I lost it! Al, I love my husband, but his shoplifting is too much! How can I make him stop?
-- Anne, UK

Dear Anne:
Did you eat the salami?

***Get your minds out of the gutter, people!***

Anne, I'm sure you talked with your husband about his problem, but this time you really need to put your foot down. Your husband might be suffering from a psychological disorder like depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, Bi-Polar disorder, impulse control disorder, or maybe he's just a plain dumbass. I suggest you give him a choice to either seek professional help or divorce.

He'll never make it past the casheir with a roast beef down his pants. Think about that!

Girlfriend Stalking Me, Sent Sick American Greetings Ecard

Dear AL:
What do you do when an ex-girlfriend wont leave you alone? She broke up with me about a year ago because of my maturity and lack of goals. She was right, so I changed my ways, and I found someone else in the process. Since she discovered 6 months ago that I have a new girlfriend, my ex comes by my job twice a week, and calls me up almost every other day. The last time she called I told her like times before to stop calling, but she went nuts that I couldn't understand a word. Since my phone records my phone calls, I discovered what she said did make sense when I played it in reverse! I'm not sure if this was some freak reaction, or some message she rehearsed, but she said in reverse "If I can't have you, you'll be joining Elvis!"

A few days ago she sent some sick ecard that promotes stalking by American Greetings. Here's the link to it, but not to my actual ecard, so you can see this twisted egreeting for yourself and how far off the deep end my ex is: http://tinyurl.com/y7rzvs

Al, my ex-girlfriend is freaking me out! So what do you think?
-- Joe, another place

Yo Joe:
I think you're fucked!

Like what I told a previous reader, you need to get a restraining order agains't this pyscho. I also suggest to start looking for a new place to live and a new job. If she's this far gone then there's no saying what she would do next if she chooses to ignore the court order.

Good luck Joe, you're gona need it! Have a Happy Halloween!

My Sons Place Is A Mess!

Dear AL:
Before my son moved into his own place, I gave him his space and never complained about his messy bedroom. What a mistake that was! Every time he invited me over to his place, it seemed to be getting worse and worse. Dirty socks on the kitchen counter, a pile of laundry on the bathroom floor, garbage bags on his balconey, and used cups and plates all over his apartment. A few days ago I finally broke and told him to clean up his place, and he tried, but today I found a plate under his couch and a moldy cup behind a cushion. I don't mean to pry into my sons life, but when is he gona learn to pick up after himself?
-- Pauline, Arizona

Dear Pauline:
Some people are hopeless cases while others just need a sign.

Hopefully it doesn't come to this!

Filed under: family matters, parenting, videos, YouTube

How Can I Tell Him His Breath Stinks?

Dear AL:
I have co-worker who has bad, bad smell to breath. I must work with this guy sometimes in close quarters when working on projects. Then when we go to lunch I must ride in car with this stinker too. He is really a great guy, but his breath can peel paint off walls. How can I tell him his breath stinks in nice way?
-- Ivan, Hollywood

Yo Ivan:
Privately tell him his breath stinks, there's really no other way. He's probably unaware of his problem, or doesn't mind stinking like ass. His condition could be a dental or medical problem, so you be doing him a favor by telling him that he stinks. But if you still can't tell him, visuals always work. The next time he tries to talk to you, run!

Filed under: health, workplace

Religious Freak in My Families Business!

Yo AL:
There's this religious fanatic living next door that's always in my families business.
She's watches us like a hawk, quotes the Bible to us almost everyday, and gives us dirty looks. A few days ago she thought I was having an affair when she saw me with my sister.
She sneaked into our house, saw us and said "You're both gona burn in hell!"

Al, what can I tell this nut to get her off our backs?
-- Brian, Kentucky

Yo Brian:
Fuck off bitch! Not you... her!

On second thought, don't tell her that. She might pull a Carrie's mom on your ass!

Get a restraining order agains't her, and when you catch her staring, moon her!