Should I wait or do a one nighter?

Dearest AL:
I am a virgin. Should i wait for a quality boyfriend, or jus do a one nighter with this guy friend?
-- Horny but got pride, Australia

Dear Horny:
Wait! That one nighter may screw up your chances of meeting mister right, specially if you get pregnant, catch a venereal disease, or get branded a Ho! Like most women, but not all, guys talk alot of shit too. He may be your friend, but if he's a closet virgin, you can bet your ass he's gona tell the world about you and his big penis. *Cough* Next thing you know, these guys will put you on a level with Paris Hilton, and call you Firecrotch! Now do you want that?

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Can u plase help me out?

Hi AL:
for my site i need a few fake problems relating anything cause my site aint that famous. Can u plase help me out. ive searched the net but couldn't find one. I believe that by this i might start getting original messages from people. - Kundan Churnaa

Yo Kundan:
***Smack!***

"Can u plase help me out." Are you fuckin' kidding me?
Plase don't write me again!

My writers are as real as your bad grammar!
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Do a good deed, get called a bitch!

Dear AL:
First off, I hate kids with a passion, but last Saturday I saved a little monster from getting hit by a bus. As I was standing their with my idiot sister-in-law talking shit as a bus was approaching, her son Travis, who threw up on me minutes before, jumped off the sidewalk into the street. Since I was closer, I reached out and grabbed it's arm, and yanked it back. My sister-in-law thanked me as she was crying, but when she discovered I hurt her son since it wouldn't stop crying, she called me a bitch before taking it to the hospital. Later that day she called me and said I dislocated it's shoulder when I assaulted it! I saved it's life and that's assault?

This coming Thursday my husband and I are going with his dipshit sister and her son (it) to the zoo, and guess what... we're taking the bus! The only reason why I'm tagging along is because since it hasn't slowed down, and she's the most neglectful mother on the planet, it wont make it on the bus alive, because it will be under it. Am I a dumbass for not turning a blind eye to it's inevitable demise? It's not my kid!
-- Diane, New York

Dear Diane:
No... You're not a dumbass. Deep down you care about this childs... I mean it's well being. You're a hero for dislocating it's shoulder by accident to save it's life, but don't subject yourself to being their babysitter. You have a life!

Since your sister-in-law hasn't a clue about raising it, you should report the dumbass to the office of Children & Family Services of the State of New York for maltreatment, anonymously of course: 1-800-342-3720

Office of Children & Family Services
http://www.ocfs.state.ny.us/main/prevention/
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What's wrong with Britney?

Dear AL:
I'm a huge fan of Britney Spears, but I'm very troubled with what's happening to her! This is not the same girl I worshipped since I was a teenager. What's wrong with her?
- Patricia, California

Dear Patricia:
She's the Antichrist! Proof Below!


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Distributing Antonella Barba blowjob photos

Dear AL:
I've been singing for most of my life, and I think I'm darn good, but for some reason I can never win locally American Idol type contests, just these no talent ho’s! Over the years I usually make it to the final 3, but earlier this year I got booted after the first round of voting when I sang Barry Manilow's "I Write The Song," and I sang my heart out!

What do I have to do to win besides distributing Antonella Barba type blowjob photos?
-- Steffi (Not my real name), Germany

Dear Steffi (No duh!):
Maybe the world didn't feel like singing when you sang Barry's song. It could happen!

More than likely it was just a bad day, or these judges haven't a clue what real talent is. I'm sure you'll do better next year, minus the nude photos, but don't put all your eggs in one basket. If you're good as you say you are *Cough*, you'll get more exposure by uploading a video to YouTube of yourself singing, but please no Copacabana!

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