Know of a cure for toenail fungus?

Dear AL:
Over the course of 3 years I watched my toenails go from transparent to a brittle yellow crust. Only 2 of my toenails look normal now. I planned to take care of this problem, but with my work schedule and family life, I've put it off, but I just can't stand looking at them anymore! Do you know of a cure for toenail fungus, or is this something I have to live with? -- Dave, Ireland

Yo Dave:
You've been funky this long, why change?

Anyway, there are a ton of safe over the counter products you can use agains't toenail fungus, just some of them stink, change your nail color, and sting like a bitch. Vinegar I hear does a great job curing this and other foot problems. It stinks, but only stings if you have athletes foot if you're that funky. Soak your toenails 2 to 3 times a day with vinegar for 30 minutes without missing a day. Also take two teaspoons of Vinegar a day to fight this internally. It will take a while, maybe a month or two, sometimes longer depending on how servere it is, but you'll have a new set of toenails, minus any side effects like Lamasil.

If people complain about the smell, tell them you just ate a salad, everyday. Good luck!

What can I do to make them stop?

Dear AL:
Since my male coworkers found out my plans to have my breasts reduced from my loud mouth girlfriend, they keep bringing it up. Stating all I need is a lift. They're also using this as an excuse to stare at my boobs while they talk to me!

Al, this is making me uncomfortable. What can I do to make them stop?
-- Trish, UK

Dear Trish:
Reduce your breasts to nothing. Works every time!

Seriously, you need to tell them to stop. If they don't, it's sexual harassment point blank. Tell your supervisor about what's happening, but if he's also part of the problem, then bring this up with your company's human resource office by filing a complaint. No one should have to put up with this bullshit, specially if they're planning a boob job.

Also, about your loud mouth girlfriend, next time you talk to her yell out "So you have a penis?" She had it coming!

I want to be the first

Dear AL:
My girlfriend just has a record of leaving all her ex-boyfriends hanging, not actually breaking up with them. I want to be the first because I know she isn't in to me any more and I know that breaking up would just kill her. I really don't want that. HELP!!!
-- dyvius, Colorado

Yo Dyvius:
You want to be the first what? Lay?

How can you be the first of anything if she's not into you? Move on dude. Masturbate. She'll be alright, believe me.

Can't stand my name!

Dear AL:
Way back when I was a child I loved my birth name, Pony, that's until someone pulled my ponytail in first grade, and all the nicknames that followed. Today at 20 I'm finally gona change it, just drives me crazy that my mom wont tell me why she named me this. Have any indeas?
-- Samantha (soon to be name), Oklahoma

Dear Sam:
You don't want to know.

I just want to go to school

Hey AL:
Last week I got suspended because of my pants. I'm one of the smartest kids in class, but these fools attacked me anyway with this sagging pants law, and it hasn't even been approved by the House of Representatives. I wear long shirts, so no one sees my underwear, plus my style saves time when I go to the toilet. :)

Al, I'm not a trouble maker. I just want to go to school without worrying about how I'm dressed.
-- Lamont, Florida

Yo Lamont:
Pull your drawers up and you'll be ok.

Yeah, it's a stupid law, and it doesn't have to go into statewide effect for your school to adopt it. Look, save your droopy fashion statement for after school, and pray your ass (No diss intended) doesn't get tasered if it becomes state law. Simple!