Ideas for an April Fools' Day joke

Hey AL:
I want to pull an April Fool's Day joke tomorrow on a coworker friend of mine who reads you blog, maybe with your help. Here's a few details about him: He loves football, can't stop talking about his hobby, he's one of our best brokers, and he drives an old Regal. Have any ideas?
-- Anthony, New York City

Yo Anthony:
You just described him, and you still expect to fool him?

***Smack*** Get off the internet!

Visual Basic is unstandardized crap for a reason

Dear AL:
I have to get this off my chest. I've been using Microsoft Visual Basic for years, but no more! Their latest version, Visual Basic 6 .NET produces slow applications, wont upgrade programs written in previous versions, and software written with it becomes inoperable when you update to the latest Windows version, or the latest Internet Explorer.

The reason being why Visual Basic wont ever become standardized is because Microsoft wont be able to sell new versions of Windows if it has to stay compatible with previous versions of this software. Microsoft can't make money with Windows updates, so they create new Windows versions from scratch, not caring if it's compatible with anything written for previous versions.

God I'm so mad! Visual Basic was my livelihood, but now my coding is obsolete! I don't have the time to learn the new version! F--k!
-- Bhargyaraj, India

Yo Bhargyaraj:
I guess no one will be outsourcing jobs to you anytime soon.

Funny, your name means Lord of Luck in India. Buddha must've been kidding.

Know of a cure for toenail fungus?

Dear AL:
Over the course of 3 years I watched my toenails go from transparent to a brittle yellow crust. Only 2 of my toenails look normal now. I planned to take care of this problem, but with my work schedule and family life, I've put it off, but I just can't stand looking at them anymore! Do you know of a cure for toenail fungus, or is this something I have to live with? -- Dave, Ireland

Yo Dave:
You've been funky this long, why change?

Anyway, there are a ton of safe over the counter products you can use agains't toenail fungus, just some of them stink, change your nail color, and sting like a bitch. Vinegar I hear does a great job curing this and other foot problems. It stinks, but only stings if you have athletes foot if you're that funky. Soak your toenails 2 to 3 times a day with vinegar for 30 minutes without missing a day. Also take two teaspoons of Vinegar a day to fight this internally. It will take a while, maybe a month or two, sometimes longer depending on how servere it is, but you'll have a new set of toenails, minus any side effects like Lamasil.

If people complain about the smell, tell them you just ate a salad, everyday. Good luck!

What can I do to make them stop?

Dear AL:
Since my male coworkers found out my plans to have my breasts reduced from my loud mouth girlfriend, they keep bringing it up. Stating all I need is a lift. They're also using this as an excuse to stare at my boobs while they talk to me!

Al, this is making me uncomfortable. What can I do to make them stop?
-- Trish, UK

Dear Trish:
Reduce your breasts to nothing. Works every time!

Seriously, you need to tell them to stop. If they don't, it's sexual harassment point blank. Tell your supervisor about what's happening, but if he's also part of the problem, then bring this up with your company's human resource office by filing a complaint. No one should have to put up with this bullshit, specially if they're planning a boob job.

Also, about your loud mouth girlfriend, next time you talk to her yell out "So you have a penis?" She had it coming!

I want to be the first

Dear AL:
My girlfriend just has a record of leaving all her ex-boyfriends hanging, not actually breaking up with them. I want to be the first because I know she isn't in to me any more and I know that breaking up would just kill her. I really don't want that. HELP!!!
-- dyvius, Colorado

Yo Dyvius:
You want to be the first what? Lay?

How can you be the first of anything if she's not into you? Move on dude. Masturbate. She'll be alright, believe me.