Our friend is engaged to be married at 17

Dear AL:
HELP! Our friend says she is engaged to be married at 17 and she has a HUGGGEEE “real” ring to prove it. She won’t listen to her best friends when we tell her that this is the biggest mistake of her life. The reason we say this is because her boyfriend is a screw up big time. They have made a whole “plan” to get pregnant just so that they can live together. They have been having sex without a condom for over a month now. And the worst thing is her parents either don’t care, or don’t know. We’ve tried to talk some sense into her but she won’t even reconsider her decision. She says it’s what they want. Is it wrong to not support her? We don’t know what to do. The situation has gotten way out of hand.
-- Lauren, US

Dear Lauren:
I knew a moron like that, and now she's a single parent, while her ex is having sex without a condom in prison for way over a month now. Years!

Anyway, since she wont listen, you can either anonymously tell her parents, or let her learn the hard way, but keep your distance to avoid the drama. Believe me, when she sees how stupid their decision was after the fact, she will drive you nuts complaining and asking for help to change poopy diapers. Don't put up with that shit!

Let her know from the get-go that you don't want to hear any complaints when the going gets rough, and it will. Not only is she giving up the remainder of her teen years to bare a kid for this screw-up, they will both lose their chance to go to college. Her fiancee will have to find work to support them, and with his lack of qualifications due to his age, he'll be flipping burgers at McDonald's, making minimum wage, which might not be enough to pay rent to his parents.

Lauren, go on with your life. If she wants to push a stroller, it's not your problem.

Best friend had an affair with my husband

Dear AL:
Last week my best friend told me that she's been having an affair with my husband for over 3 months. I've asked her why she did this, and she said she was stupid, but wished it never happened because my husband wont leave her alone. Not because she betrayed our friendship, felt bad, or was afraid she would get caught. Asshole wouldn't leave this bitch alone, so she called it quits. She then said sorry, and asked if I could tell him to leave her alone and if I want to go clubbing with her. I was speachless. It's like, hey, I've been fucking your man, you want to help me find more? I just walked away.

The same day after throwing my husband out with the help of my brothers, I bumped into my exfriend at a grocery store, and she told me she will pick me up Friday to go out, so be ready. I was so enraged, when she wasn't looking, I hit her with a bunch of bananas. Should have hit her with the green ones!

She calls me almost everyday trying to appologize for what she done, but I just can't talk. I've destroyed one of my phones because of her. My other friends are helping me through this, just wish this traitor leave me alone. What can I do to get her off my back?
-- Lost for words, Canada

Dear Lost:
You need to speak up. Tell this beotch she can shove her friendship, and if that doesn't work, just keep giving her the finger. Beats attacking her with bananas and other groceries. Think of the money you save.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

Schools in! CERN's LHC safety report for the masses

Dear AL:
If you been keeping track of the news, CERN's provided a safety report of the Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator, but doom-sayers continue to state it will destroy the world. It's all crazy talk! From micro black holes imploding Earth, to hypothetical Strangelets converting all matter to strange matter in a runaway fusion process.

First off, if the LHC does create micro black holes, they wont gravitate towards the Earths core. They will simply evaporate due to the Hawking Radiation theory, calculated by one of the smartest persons in the world, Stephen Hawking. CERN wouldn't be going through with this experiment if they didn't believe in it. There is no room for 404 (error for you dummies) at CERN.

AL - Stephen Hawking is my hero, even when he errors. But hey, I'm sure his theory is not completely wrong. Go CERN!

Collisions at the LHC is as safe as clapping hands. Those hands (protons) will create pretty hot particles when they collide, more than 100,000 times hotter than the suns core, which is equivalent to the energy produced by a mosquito in flight, so there's nothing to worry about.

AL - Mosquitos... hmm... No crazy talk there.

Cosmic rays have been hitting Earth for billions of years with energy the LHC could never match, and we're still here. Every square centimeter of Earth gets hit by these cosmic rays. You can't twitch a muscle without getting hit. And no micro black holes or whatever have destroyed the world. So these protons speeding towards each other close to light speed till they collide is exactly what's happening in nature, meaning the world will still be here.

AL - Can't twitch a muscle? Dude, if the LHC mimics nature, I have to be moving at light speed. And all this time I've wasted my money at a gym! Stupid me.

With the proof above that the LHC is safe, these doomsday attention whores continue with their fear mongering. CERN is using the LHC to recreate the conditions after the Big Bang to answer a few questions, and they're not going through with this because they spent billions on the machine, or the Nobel prize in physics which they rightly deserve. They're going through with this for the betterment of science, and the facts of their LHC safety report.

Al, I'm not asking for advice, just for you to post this message on your blog to school the masses, that's all. Your thoughts on the matter will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
-- Dedicated, France

Dear Dedicated:
If you read this far, you know my thoughts on the matter. You sure schooled them!

Hope you don't mind the hyper links I've added to your message. Always back your words up with facts. Have a nice day! :)

He stopped wearing his flag pin

Dear AL:
Since forever everyone where I work have been wearing flag pins, that's up until a few weeks ago. They stopped wearing it like it was out of style. Me and a friend of mine continued to wear it, but he stopped wearing his as of today. What the hell is this country coming too? A true patriot loves his country and the American flag! This is all Obama's fault! What can I do to make them see that by wearing it we would know where their hearts stands when it comes to our country?
-- Joan, New York

Dear Joan:
If you need to wear a flag pin to show your a true patriot, you're a freakin' idiot! Love for your country starts in the heart, not a flag pin, but if you need to be reminded when you look in the mirror, keep yours on. Not everyone is blessed with a functional brain to express their patriotism, so we'll understand.

I dont see us together in the long run

Dear AL:
Should I go out with someone I don't love? He is not a friend, so we only meet for dates. Indeed I enjoyed his company but I don't see us together in the long run. Whereas my family only wants me to consider potential husbands...
-- Yvonne, Sydney, Australia

Dear Yvonne:
Nothing wrong with having a fuck buddy, but don't put your eggs in one basket if you don't see a future with him. I'm not saying to hunt down potential husbands like a desperate old lady, or to stop seeing this guy, just spread the love around and have a good time. Make sure this guy knows right off the bat that you only enjoy his company and nothing more, because he might see a future with you, specially if his family is coaching him on to date potential wives. Don't lead this guy on if he wants more than a peace of ass, because the next thing you know he'll drop to his knees, and it's not to give you head!