Where can I watch Paris Hilton's new sex tape?

Dear AL:
Due to the restrictions at my fraternity, our internet access is carefully filtered to block porn. Do you know of any place online where I can watch Paris Hilton's new sex tape? I'm a huge fan of hers! It can be partially censored. I'll just use my imagination to fill in the blanks. Thanks!
-- Matt, amongst religious nuts

Yo Matt:
You're in luck! I found Paris Hilton's sex tape on YouTube. The only problem, it's extremely censored. Hope you have a good imagination. Enjoy!


KW's: huge fan, possible virgin, video

My employee spreads lies about coworkers

Dear AL:
I have this employee (relative) that does nothing but complain. Since her fear of customers and boredom, she spreads lies about her coworkers, trying to prevent them from doing their jobs so they stay by her side. What can I tell her to straighten her out?
-- Diana, Texas

Dear Diana:
Tell her to STFU!

From the sounds of it, she's probably older than dirt, and it's no ones fault she can't handle the job. Tell her to get with the program or you will give her walking papers. If she continues, without hesitation, put her out to pasture! Be strong or you will lose good workers because her. Screw it if it's your mother!

KW's: hostile work environment

Leading up to Archie (Comics) Veronica's wedding... SPOILER ALERT!!!

Dear AL:
I have recently (belatedly, unfortunately) heard that Archie of Archie Comics fame is marrying Veronica! I know that somehow, the story will progress in a manner that will return the characters to status quo but the suspense is driving me crazy. Help!

(I know, you're probably thinking that I'm a loser.)
-- Archie-Comics-Crazy

Dear Crazy:
Nah... I'm not thinking that. Lots of kids read Archie. But if you're an adult male reading this, you're definitely a dweeb.


Anyway, upon research... ***SPOILER ALERT*** from what I've pieced together, out of fear of losing her chance to be with Archie after High School graduation, Veronica toned down her rich girl attitude enough to win him over. Archie then fears he might lose the new Veronica after summer when she explains her future plans away from Riverdale, so he proposes to her, and she accepts. Leading up to the wedding, Betty tries to get help from Jughead. Jughead tries to talk to Archie, but Archie doesn't listen. The day of the wedding Archie informs his best man, Jughead, that he's nervous. Instead of bringing up Betty, Jughead calms Archie's wedding jitters as a good friend would.

Leading up to the wedding, Reggie, insanely jealous, tries to foul things up between Archie and Veronica. Reggie encourages Betty to help him since he knows how she feels about Archie, but she withdraws from his scheme at the last minute, giving him away. A day before the wedding, Betty, in the mist of hatching her own plan to stop it out of desperation, gets caught by Veronica. After a lengthy argument, Veronica, feeling bad, asks Betty to be her Maid of Honor, but Betty declines. At the alter, with Betty no where in sight, Veronica starts having second thoughts about marrying Archie, but at the last minute Betty shows up, smiling with tears in her eyes. After the "I do's" and the kiss, Archie discovers Betty uncontrollably crying and wonders while looking back at Veronica if he made a mistake.

Months down the line Veronica breaks up with Archie for many reasons. Reggie toning down his selfish attitude, expressing his love for her... Her Dad's disapproval after his approval of her marriage... Cheryl's annoying flirtatious behaviour with her husband, Archie... And her waning friendship with Betty. Veronica then regrets the divorce, and it's back to the good old love triangle, competing for Archie's love with her best friend Betty.

Feel better?

KW's: exclusive, invision, prediction, played out, reasoning, obvious outcome (Duh!)

Savings Wane. Freeloader, friend, not paying rent!

Dear AL:
So for the past month or so I've been "renting" a room with a friend. At first I was supposed to pay the rent for 2 weeks while she found a job or got family to pay... But now it has been 5 weeks and she has not paid! On Monday I told her to give me either her half of the rent by today (Thursday) or she would have to move out by this coming Monday. Her reply was "okay." since then she has been getting home like at 4am when I am obviously asleep since I work in the mornings and she doesn't wake up till way after I am gone. I have a feeling that she is planning on not paying this week. Can I really kick her out? I am the only person with a contract with the land lady... Do you think that I can ask her for her keys and move her stuff to the hallway if she doesn't pay? I am saddened because we used to be good friends but my savings are almost gone... Please give me advice on what to do...
-- Noret, the city that never sleeps

Dear Noret:
Kick the bitch out! This freeloader is no friend if she's treating you like Ugly Betty. As soon as she steps out, move her stuff into the hall, and give her a call. Better she finds out right away that you kicked her out to avoid a raving bitch banging on your door at 4am. Before the call, try to have a friend over for support, but avoid physical or verbal confrontation with the leech. Last thing you need is her suing you because your friend gave her a knuckle sandwich. She'll have plenty of money then.

If she doesn't give you the keys, call in sick the next day, and have the land lady change the locks. Explain to her that you lost your spare, and that you just recieved three disturbing phone calls of heavy breathing 20 minutes apart. You have to lay it on thick if you don't want that bitch screwing with your stuff while you're at work. I know it's not easy since she use to be a friend, but it has to be done. She's taking you for a sucker!

Anyway, even if she was to find a job, there's a chance she wont pay what she owes since she was able to get away with not paying in the past. She'll probably come up with reasons not to pay her share, or pay enough, stating she needs it for a car, pay off credit card debt, plane ticket to visit her parents, ect... Fuck that! Follow what I stated above, and kick her ass out!

Kw's: diminishing nest egg, losing reserves, taken advantaged of, deceived, swindled, duped, fooled, pushover (Just trying to motivate you. Don't be a sap!)

Boyfriend thinks my vagina is too hairy!

Dear AL:
My boyfriend just hurt my feelings. For the past month I've noticed he was less interested in sex, so I confronted him about it today. He told me my vagina is too hairy, but no one ever complained about this before. He recommended that I shave, but I don't want to look like a little girl. I'm thinking about breaking up with him because he said it looks gross, but I don't want to play the dating game again.

AL, I really need your help. I've read some of your previous responses to other writers, so I know what to expect from your advice. Let me have it!
-- Pat, Virginia

Dear Pat:
You bet your hairy ass I'll let you have it!

Look, if your nether regions is styling a fro, drop the pick and trim it. Same for your man if he wants to get laid.

Shaving your vagina... well, that style is in. It's not seen as a little girl, but neat and clean. Notice the next time you go swimming how most females are stream lined between their legs. It's rare you'll find someone under 40 styling a brillo pad down there.

eHow.com - How to shave Pubic Hair (Complete Instructions)

You can just trim and skip the razor all together if you're uncomfortable, this way he wont feel like he's dating Ron Jeremy. Hopefully you're not!

Kw's: Jheri Curl, moptop, beehive, mullet, pubic hair