Date boyfriend... don't see long term relationship

Dear AL:
What are "boyfriends" for? Should we date one we don't picture the long term with?
-- Nice Girl, Germany

Dear Nice:
If you're clueless about boyfriends, like they're this foreign part of an automobile engine, don't take them for a spin!

Now if you want to date someone, you better make sure he's not desperate for something permanent and you have plenty of condoms. Last thing you want is to become a single parent because he never pictured a long term relationship with you, just a one night stand.

My husband obsession with Donkey Kong

Dear AL:
Almost every day my husband plays Donkey Kong since he brought this old arcade machine years ago. It keeps him out of trouble, but it's annoying that he spends more time with that game than me. He beats it every night, but keeps playing because he was told by some asshole about secret levels if he can time Mario's jump just right. I want him to time his jump with me, but he barely talks anymore while he's playing when I try to get his attention. Just holds a finger up, asking for a minute, but he never gets off it! Al, I want my husband back!
-- Andrea, California

Dear Andrea:
Hang a temporary out of order sign on his machine that also states "...can be permanent if you don't fuck me!"

After he jumps your bones, while you have his attention, tell coco there's no secret levels in that game. Back then it was all about quick profits. No one thought of hiding hidden levels in an arcade machine. If he doesn't buy it, there's always the circuit breakers. Good luck!

Girlfriend found another girls phone number

Hey AL:
My girlfriend is very upset with me. She found another girls phone number in my jeans back pocket. I tried to explain to her that my buddy planted it there as a joke while we was wrestling, but she's not buying it. How can I patch things up?
-- Jeff, Australia

Yo Jeff:
Start by telling her the truth. Your buddy reaching into your back pocket has to be the dumbest excuse I've ever heard, but if this really happened, sounds like he's going Brokeback Mountain on your ass. Best you set him straight, and I don't mean giving him a hard-on by letting him go down your front pockets! *Puke*

If you're full of shit, which you probably are, tell her the truth, but be prepared to get dumped, Beaves. Let her go if this is a habit of yours... collecting numbers, not rolling in the mud with George!

My husband's best friend's affair... no where to go

Dear AL:
I moved in with my best friend because my husband admitted to an affair. Today my best friend admitted to having an affair with my husband! I can't believe it! She said she's sorry and what sucks is that I have no where to go. My parents live on the other side of the planet. She said I can stay with her but I want to scratch her eyes out! I lost all feeling for both of them, but I need a place to stay. What can I do? I want to trash his car so bad. I still have his spare keys!
-- Gia, Pennsylvania

Dear Gia:
Don't trash his car! Maybe squish grilled cheese under his seats, but don't thrash his car.

Look, he cheated, so go home and kick his ass out! You shouldn't be the one to move. I know it wont be easy staying at a place you shared with your husband... just deal with it until you find yourself another place. Longest you'll be in jail is a couple of days if you damage his car, then where are you going to live?

Big Oil Clean Energy Strategy with no investment.

Al:

I work for an international oil corporation. If you were intrusted to come up with a strategy to convert over to clean energy with mininmun investment to do so, what would your strategy be? Incase you're wondering, I don't work for BP. Very unfortunate what's happening in the Gulf of Mexico. Hopefully they stop the oil leak soon.
-- George the Oilman

Dear Gusher
Any real investment instead of those bullshit clean energy commericals on CNN will return huge profits in the future, but since you guys want to pinch pennies you could do it the old fahion way. Have us tax payers foot the bill. Why change now?

Say you want to sell hydrogen in the US:

1. Get together with the auto industry and pick a state to start with or service stations across the country.

2. Have Uncle Sam (taxpayers) foot the bill for a new hydrogen vehicle factory, fuel station conversions and new hydrogen creation plants by the ocean.

3. The technology is out there for vehicles to produce their own hydrogen while idled or in use, so your factory could also be a simple water collection/treatment plant.

4. Hydrogen vehicles will have a special fuel tank connection that will only open at hydrogen or H2O fueling stations. To conserve clean water at home (insure company profits), the government will have to inact a law where heavy fines are issued if water from homes and other public works is treated to fuel hydrogen vehicles.

5. Finally, show commercials of these real world changes on CNN. (No bullshit this time.)

6. Total conversion of all car factories and fuel stations and more water or hydrogen plants on coasts paid by taxpayers (like we had a choice in the past). Hey, if my tax dollars adverts another oil catastrophie and saves the environment, you guys can pick my pockets (I'm fuckin kidding ok!).

Big Oil Pros:
* You didn't spend a single dollar to convert to clean energy.
* No more drilling! There's a lot of ocean out there.
* During hurricane season, pump prices will go sky high! 100 dollars a barrel every summer... no fault of your own.
* You'll finally get hear Sarah Palin say "Suck, baby, suck!" but not like you're gonna get something, ok, so dream on.

Taxpayer Pros:
* Tax dollars will finally be used to save the environment, not destroy it.
* Job creation that promotes clean energy.
* When conversion to this clean technology is complete nation wide, you wont need our tax dollars anymore.
* More tax dollars for Wall Street Bailouts! Oops... that's fuckin' a con.

Now if any of you oil corporations out there inacts this clean energy strategy, remember you heard it here first. I want my two dollars! TWO DOLLARS!