Funky Feet

Dear Al:
I have a very embarrassing problem, I have toenail fungus. The first time I discovered it was three years ago, but I didn't think much of it because I thought it was nothing. After a few months I noticed that it spread to some of my other toenails, so I decided to do something about it, I started to wash my feet. I thought this was the answer to my problem, but it continued to spread like wild fire, and now all my toes are infected! They look yellow with a crusty britle look to them, thicker than normal, and they smell.

I've stopped going to the pool since it's so bad, but I still suffered and embarrassing moment because of them. Two months ago while I was practicing my kicks at my Karate class with my teacher, he got hit with a piece of toenail when he caught my foot in front of his face and discovered my little problem. He then announced it to everyone in class and everybody started to run!

I would really like to attend Karate class again, but what can I do about my toenail problem?
-- Manfred, United Kingdom

Dear Manfred:
Try some Epson Salt, foot powder, see a foot specialist, just keep them things away from me!

Seriously, see a specialist, and if they recommend Lamisil for your toenail fungus, just to let you know, in some cases Lamisil has caused liver damage, but don't bring this up with the specialist, just to see if the specialist brings this risk up themselves. That way you will know if they're truthful, morons, or just plain evil, which is your cue to Karate kick their ass with your funky feet!

Wifey Holding Out!

Dear AL:
It's been ages since the last time me and my wife had sex, and I'm about to explode! Everytime I try to touch her she keeps pulling away, and I know I don't stink. We use to do it 2 times a day if it was possible, but right after our first kid and our marriage it all went down hill, and I'm at the bottom!

I'm so horny I masturbate everyday, until last night when my wife caught me watching a video on my computer called "Do Me All Night Long", and she went crazy, then we fought all night long, so you know I'm never gona watch that video again!

I know your readers will probably think bad about me, that I'm a sick perverted little man with a small penis who only cares about sex, but if you haven't had it in over 8 months I'm sure alot of people will be going nuts to!

Please AL, I need your help! What can I do to get her interested in my fine ass again?
-- Mister Big, New Jersey

Dear Mister Big:
Some women for some strange reason lose interest in sex after a while, which could be the case with your wife. But maybe you just suck, and not as fine as you think you are. I'm sure your wife didn't marry you for your looks, and doesn't mind your small penis, but maybe she's tired from taking care of the house and kids all day. Instead of expecting her to spread eagle, try treating her like a queen, surprise her with something nice, help out around the house, then maybe she will show interests in you and your small penis again.

Stalked By A Nice Guy

Dear AL:
A person I've been friends with for over a year on an online chatroom by the name of Jeff is stalking me since I stood him up on a date at McDonalds. He asked online why I didn't show up, but I was afraid to tell him that I'm not the hot slim blonde pictured in my profile since I weigh over 300 pounds, so I told him that I was sick. Hell, I don't even know what he really looks like, he has a picture of Snoopy on his profile. Jeff then asked me out on another date, and I accepted, but I stood him up again, and that's when he started stalking me!
Everyday Jeff calls me on the phone, and he came by my house a couple of times, but I wouldn't open the door. I wonder how he found out my address? Anyway, Jeff is really a nice guy, but he does not understand why I wont see him. So far from talking to him on the phone and hearing his voice through my door he sounds like a really nice guy, just wish he leave me alone! Confused on what do to!
-- JACKIE, FLORIDA

Dear Jackie:
Personally I'm not sure if I would take a chance on meeting someone I met online, but that could change depending on how I felt about a person. If he sounds like a really nice guy, set up another date at a public place and bring a friend along. And don't worry about your weight, he might be heavier than you!

Why Are People So Distant?

Dear AL:
I built myself a cathedral on wheels, which I named Carthedral, and for some reason people have been keeping their distance. What’s up with that?
– Rebecca, California


Dear Rebecca:
Maybe they’re afraid the Pope will fall out the back, and they don’t want to run over His Holiness by accident, so they’re keeping their distance just incase. Hope this helped!

Awesome job with the car!

Crying Baby Taking Toll On Us

Dear Al:
Since I've gave birth to my son, he wont stop crying! He cries all day and all night without a break, and it's taking a toll on us. The only time he doesn't cry is when he's naked, but I can't have him running around the house like that all day, because he poops nonstop. Looking forward to your help.
-- TIFFANY, ALABAMA

Dear Tiffany: (1st victim)
I'm no doctor, but it sounds like your baby is suffering from tight diaper syndrome, where the parent unknowingly puts on diapers too tight. To see if your one of those parents, put a diaper on your head, and if you can't think, it's too tight!