What it bees like?

Hey AL:
Thing is when we're frontin', we'll be talkin' smack and shit. But sometimes it bees like "Dawg, what you're talkin bout?" Then he'll be dissing, but not harsh and I'll be like "What the fuck?" then we're laffing like nothing happened. Another time ace bees like "Dawg, where's your game?" But I don't carry it around so I say "You dissing me?" and he smiles and then again we're laffing and shit. We play around like it's no thing, illing nonstop and snapin wit our peeps and slammin phat chicks that obviously know better, but when your mama raised you right you're wonderin' if it's all that and a pack of chips. It makes me think. So what it bees likes, Al? What it bees like?
-- Marvin, Detroit

Yo Marvin:
Bees like pollen. I hope this helped! :P

Local national installation pass violation

Dear AL:
Every other week when I work the late shift with my coworker, he goes shopping with his friend for about an hour and a half. He's a German local national with restrictions on his installation pass which is only good for going to work and that's it, but he's telling me he's allowed to leave his place of duty to get something to eat. Only thing he's been going to the shopette which sells snacks and alcohol with an American family member and when he gets back he pulls his dinner out of his backpack which he makes at home. I think he's buying alcohol because his speech is slurred by the time we close shop! My problem is that I've been delegated to run our facility while our boss is on vacation, and usually when this happens it's party time for my coworker. Besides going on his shopping spree, he sometimes leaves work early and comes to work late the following day hammered, but that doesn't stop him from roaming around post. He's a nice guy and I hate confrontation, but I'm afraid for my livelyhood. I'm not married to a service member. I'm just a civilian that can be easily fired. What can I do?!
-- Troubled in Germany

Dear Troubled:
Grab your balls/cooch and report his ass! This Pilstard might act nice, but in reality he thinks you're a chump or he wouldn't be leaving his place of duty, risking your job as well as his over a six pack of corona. He could be under surveillance, so you stating to the authorities that you didn't know he left the building wont hold water if he's done this more than once. Take care of yourself because he obviously doesn't care about you. I bet he hasn't offered you a drink, so what does that say?

Date boyfriend... don't see long term relationship

Dear AL:
What are "boyfriends" for? Should we date one we don't picture the long term with?
-- Nice Girl, Germany

Dear Nice:
If you're clueless about boyfriends, like they're this foreign part of an automobile engine, don't take them for a spin!

Now if you want to date someone, you better make sure he's not desperate for something permanent and you have plenty of condoms. Last thing you want is to become a single parent because he never pictured a long term relationship with you, just a one night stand.

My husband obsession with Donkey Kong

Dear AL:
Almost every day my husband plays Donkey Kong since he brought this old arcade machine years ago. It keeps him out of trouble, but it's annoying that he spends more time with that game than me. He beats it every night, but keeps playing because he was told by some asshole about secret levels if he can time Mario's jump just right. I want him to time his jump with me, but he barely talks anymore while he's playing when I try to get his attention. Just holds a finger up, asking for a minute, but he never gets off it! Al, I want my husband back!
-- Andrea, California

Dear Andrea:
Hang a temporary out of order sign on his machine that also states "...can be permanent if you don't fuck me!"

After he jumps your bones, while you have his attention, tell coco there's no secret levels in that game. Back then it was all about quick profits. No one thought of hiding hidden levels in an arcade machine. If he doesn't buy it, there's always the circuit breakers. Good luck!

Girlfriend found another girls phone number

Hey AL:
My girlfriend is very upset with me. She found another girls phone number in my jeans back pocket. I tried to explain to her that my buddy planted it there as a joke while we was wrestling, but she's not buying it. How can I patch things up?
-- Jeff, Australia

Yo Jeff:
Start by telling her the truth. Your buddy reaching into your back pocket has to be the dumbest excuse I've ever heard, but if this really happened, sounds like he's going Brokeback Mountain on your ass. Best you set him straight, and I don't mean giving him a hard-on by letting him go down your front pockets! *Puke*

If you're full of shit, which you probably are, tell her the truth, but be prepared to get dumped, Beaves. Let her go if this is a habit of yours... collecting numbers, not rolling in the mud with George!