Girlfriend found another girls phone number

Hey AL:
My girlfriend is very upset with me. She found another girls phone number in my jeans back pocket. I tried to explain to her that my buddy planted it there as a joke while we was wrestling, but she's not buying it. How can I patch things up?
-- Jeff, Australia

Yo Jeff:
Start by telling her the truth. Your buddy reaching into your back pocket has to be the dumbest excuse I've ever heard, but if this really happened, sounds like he's going Brokeback Mountain on your ass. Best you set him straight, and I don't mean giving him a hard-on by letting him go down your front pockets! *Puke*

If you're full of shit, which you probably are, tell her the truth, but be prepared to get dumped, Beaves. Let her go if this is a habit of yours... collecting numbers, not rolling in the mud with George!

My husband's best friend's affair... no where to go

Dear AL:
I moved in with my best friend because my husband admitted to an affair. Today my best friend admitted to having an affair with my husband! I can't believe it! She said she's sorry and what sucks is that I have no where to go. My parents live on the other side of the planet. She said I can stay with her but I want to scratch her eyes out! I lost all feeling for both of them, but I need a place to stay. What can I do? I want to trash his car so bad. I still have his spare keys!
-- Gia, Pennsylvania

Dear Gia:
Don't trash his car! Maybe squish grilled cheese under his seats, but don't thrash his car.

Look, he cheated, so go home and kick his ass out! You shouldn't be the one to move. I know it wont be easy staying at a place you shared with your husband... just deal with it until you find yourself another place. Longest you'll be in jail is a couple of days if you damage his car, then where are you going to live?

Big Oil Clean Energy Strategy with no investment.

Deepwater Horizon oil spill as seen from space by NASA's Terra satellite on May 24, 2010
Al:

I work for an international oil corporation. If you were intrusted to come up with a strategy to convert over to clean energy with mininmun investment to do so, what would your strategy be? Incase you're wondering, I don't work for BP. Very unfortunate what's happening in the Gulf of Mexico. Hopefully they stop the oil leak soon.
-- George the Oilman

Dear Gusher
Any real investment instead of those bullshit clean energy commericals on CNN will return huge profits in the future, but since you guys want to pinch pennies you could do it the old fahion way. Have us tax payers foot the bill. Why change now?

Say you want to sell hydrogen in the US:

1. Get together with the auto industry and pick a state to start with or service stations across the country.

2. Have Uncle Sam (taxpayers) foot the bill for a new hydrogen vehicle factory, fuel station conversions and new hydrogen creation plants by the ocean.

3. The technology is out there for vehicles to produce their own hydrogen while idled or in use, so your factory could also be a simple water collection/treatment plant.

4. Hydrogen vehicles will have a special fuel tank connection that will only open at hydrogen or H2O fueling stations. To conserve clean water at home (insure company profits), the government will have to inact a law where heavy fines are issued if water from homes and other public works is treated to fuel hydrogen vehicles.

5. Finally, show commercials of these real world changes on CNN. (No bullshit this time.)

6. Total conversion of all car factories and fuel stations and more water or hydrogen plants on coasts paid by taxpayers (like we had a choice in the past). Hey, if my tax dollars adverts another oil catastrophie and saves the environment, you guys can pick my pockets (I'm fuckin kidding ok!).

Big Oil Pros:
* You didn't spend a single dollar to convert to clean energy.
* No more drilling! There's a lot of ocean out there.
* During hurricane season, pump prices will go sky high! 100 dollars a barrel every summer... no fault of your own.
* You'll finally get hear Sarah Palin say "Suck, baby, suck!" but not like you're gonna get something, ok, so dream on.

Taxpayer Pros:
* Tax dollars will finally be used to save the environment, not destroy it.
* Job creation that promotes clean energy.
* When conversion to this clean technology is complete nation wide, you wont need our tax dollars anymore.
* More tax dollars for Wall Street Bailouts! Oops... that's fuckin' a con.

Now if any of you oil corporations out there inacts this clean energy strategy, remember you heard it here first. I want my two dollars! TWO DOLLARS!

Since Armageddon, I fear meteorites!


Dear AL:
Some people fear flying, swimming, dogs. Since I saw the movie Armageddon when it first came out, I fear of getting hit by a meteor. Not world annihilation, just me. I'm always looking up in hope I see it coming so I can get out of the way. I scream when birds poop on me when I walk under trees! Any advice?
-- Desperate in New York

Dear Desperate:
Stay away from forrests.

Seriously, play paintball. That will get your minds off those meteorites and on to gelatin. Stings like a bitch, but you'll be alright, that's unless you forget to wear your facemask, then you're as good a dead. I hope this helped! :-)

How to delete a Facebook account


Dear AL:
WhenI decided to deactivate my Facebook account, this pathetic social network tried to make me feel bad stating on the deactivation page that my friends wont be able to keep intouch with me. They'll miss me. Like we all did away with our telephones and this is the only means of communication. After being hounded to join Mafia Wars for ages, the dumbass virtual pillow fight game, asked to be put on the MyCalender 2010 application when my birthday clearly shows on my Facebook profile and all those security breaches to my privacy, this was the last straw, so I decided to delete my account permanently. Just one problem. I can't find the damn delete button! I'm trapped! I would really appreciate your help in deleting my suckbook account. I want my old life back, minus FarmVille invitations!

-- Meredith, Colorado

Dear Meredith:
I've looked for hours on my Facebook account, but I couldn't find the delete button. You better get use to those pokes.

Seriously, I did find the delete button. I had to fuckin' Google it! Facebook has purposely hidden this option so you can't permanently jump ship. Kind of reminds me of the Eagles song "Hotel California".
Last thing I remember, I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
"Relax," said the night man, "We are programmed to receive
You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave"

And it's gonna get to that point when they permanently remove their hidden delete button. Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook is moving in that direction. Wonder if I should close my account while I can. Nah... I enjoy those iHeart invites. NOT!

Hey Meredith, when you delete your account, guess what, it's still there. It will take around two weeks for Facebook to remove your info from their servers, so don't mess with this process by logging in to see if it works. Resist the temptation or be forever nagged to play Texas hold 'em!