Sisters rent and my bad breath

Dear AL:
My girlfriend just inherited her dads house, but her sister who doesn't live there wants us to pay her rent, and she agreed to it. Now I don't have a problem with that, just the fact that when we move in we're taking care of her mother who has a problem with my breath, but my girlfriend thinks if I get hair implants it might help. What do you think?
-- Ray, Georgia

Yo Ray:
I think you should also get butt plugs while you're at it, can't hurt. And about your girlfriend's sister's rent, tell her to kiss your ass, unplugged! How could you not have a problem with that?

He doesn't have sentimental values

Dear AL:
My husband is a good man, but he doesn't have any sentimental values. He's thrown out stuff he's had as a kid, like an easel his grandmother gave him when he was a teenager 30 years ago. His easel broke, so instead of fixing it since it was fixable, he threw it out and brought a new one. You know how I feel about his lack of emotional associations that most people have about things? I'm afraid his desk might be next that I brought for his birthday 10 years ago!
-- Meagan, Canada

Dear Meagan:
He'll probably just throw out the lamp.

My doctor gave me placebos

Dear AL:
Last Friday I discovered that my doctor gave me a placebo, stating it was something else for my condition. I overheard him tell his nurse this since he has a hearing problem and doesn't realize he's loud. I didn't say anything to him back then, but since it troubled me over the weekend, I told him I knew this past Monday. He apologized, stating that sometimes power of suggestion, the placebo effect, usually helps patients with my problem. He then gave me some medicine stating that it was the real deal, but on the way out I overheard him saying to his nurse about giving mrs whiny pants (me) another placebo. I confronted him, and he denied saying this, and that I have until Friday to pay my bill, $300!

Al, I don't have any insurance, lost my job, and I'm almost out of money. How am I gona pay for this? He knows I'm struggling.
-- Trish, New York

Dear Trish:
Everyone has the game Monopoly, well there's plenty of cash in there.

Seriously, you need to seek a malpractice attorney. Yes, I know you don't have the money, but most attorneys provide free consultation. Bring up the idea with an attorney about carrying a voice activated recorder on you the next time you visit your doctor. I don't know the laws where you're at, but I don't see a problem with this since you're gona need as much proof as possible, or it will come down to your word against this quacks about those Placebos.

Good luck!

How can I get her back?

Dear AL:
I'm living in hell. My girl broke up with me. We've been dating 4 months, but when I discovered her prosthetic toe when I jumped into the shower with her, she called it quits after smacking me a few times. She's the most sweetest person in the world, but reacted like that because how I reacted when I saw her toe on the soap dish. Just wish she told me.

We haven't been together long, but I love her very much. How can I get her back? I thank God everyday for meeting a girl like her!
-- Tony, Alaska

Dear Tony:
You should also thank God she didn't have a prosthetic leg, she would've killed you!

Declare your feelings for her by writing her a letter, then give her a day or two to contact you. If she doesn't, give her a call and tell her the same. She might need more time, so you have to be strong for the both of you. She probably was gona tell you at some point about her prosthetic, but now you know, and if you hang in there and don't give up, everything will be ok.

Melissa, I love you

Dear AL:
I don't know how I made it this past Christmas and New Years without the love of my life. She died of breast cancer two years ago. Your blog has always made me laugh, I just hope you don't mind posting this short message for her.

Melissa, I love you. You will always be in my heart. Can't wait for the day we're together again!

Mike - Oklahoma

It hurts like a bitch!

Dear AL:
I just came down with herpes on my lip. At first I thought I caught it from my newly wife, but she told me that the big bump on her lip is just a pimple. It took me a while to believe, but now I'm convinced she's telling the truth.

It hurts like a bitch! How long will I have this?
-- Josh, Iowa

Yo Josh:
Until death do you part!

I hope this helped!

My pet wouldn't perform on stage

dramatic chipmunk, chipmunk's, revenge, prairie dogDear AL:
Tonight me and Jewel, my pet ferret, were invited on a talk show to show off his tricks, but he wouldn't come out of his carrier. When I tried to take him out, he bit me right on stage. I think he was scared of the crowd, but tomorrow night he's gona perform if he likes it or not. Any ideas how to calm his nerves? -- Petra, Germany

Dear Petra:
Imitate him.

Good luck!