I Can't Stand My Mom's Husband!

Hey Al:
I wanna go visit my mom but I seriously can't stand her husband. He lives there, of course, and he's always home. So, if I wanna spend some time driving all the way up there to go visit my mom in person, I have to deal with him too. I really can't stand the guy so I stay away and just call my mom on the phone. What would you do in this situation?
-- Paul, cyberspace

Yo Paul:
If you haven't already, talk to your Mom. Let her know how you feel.
You could invite her over, just she might bring baggage along, which could work to your advantage if you play your cards right. Have a friend pretend to be your live in disgusting girlfriend, to include burping, farting, and whatever it takes that when you invite your Mom over again, she'll come alone. Let your Mom in on your plans so she wont get sick.
I hope this helped!

Filed under: advice, family matters

Slowly Girls Are Getting Turned Off By Me!

Dear Al:
I'm addicted to online dating, doing it since I started Rumschpringe, my rite of passage into the Amish life, but slowly the girls are getting more and more turned off by me!
The last girl I was suppose to meet at a park for a date, picked up her things as soon as she saw me, and started to walk away. When I called her name, she ran! You know how embarassing that was? I almost crushed my hat!

Since then I'm spending a few extra hours a night online to find the perfect woman, so I don't have to go through that again. Do you have any advice? -- Brother Garb, Intercourse, PA

Dear Garb:
Loose those black clothes, fuckin' shave, and stop calling yourself brother, or I'll crush your hat!

Rumspringa is your time to cut loose, specially if you live in a town called Intercourse! You should be fuckin' everybody, with a hat of course, but not the one on your head!

Just kidding, you know! Last thing you want to catch is an STD, because no one will baptize your ass with a ten foot pole!

Filed under: dating, looking, on-the-internet, relationship-problems

Why Didn't The Emmy Awards Pull The Plane Crash Skit?

Dear Al:
I just can't believe it! As of last night I will no longer watch the Conan O'Brien show! That dumbass played in a skit on the Emmy awards show where he's involved in a plane crash, hours after an actual plane crash in Kentucky killing all aboard! Why didn't the Emmy awards show executive producer, Ken Ehrlich, pull the plane crash skit?

Al, what the fuck is wrong with these people at NBC?
-- Joe, Lexington, Kentucky

Dear Joe:
Fuckin' NBC has to make a buck somehow, and what better way than to air a skit on the Emmy awards involving a plane crash, right after an actual plane crash!

I'm sure Conan O'Brien would have pulled the prerecorded skit from being aired if he could, but he's not the one producing the show.

Ken EhrDICK (Producer), you've done a heck of a job! Hope it's your last!

Tags: dumbasses, NBC, Emmy Awards, Conan O'brien

When Should Girls Offer To Pay On A First Date?

Dear Al:
I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm embarrassed to ask my friend this:

When should girls offer to pay on a first date?
--Verrgin Geek =P , Australia

Dear Verrgin:
Not today... not tomorrow... Never! Guys want to pick up the tab, and by you insisting on paying, a guy will take this as a sign that you're not interested in them, or you're retarded. Most females who lose interest in a guy, pay, so they don't feel like they used them. So don't you ever offer to pay, unless you're in a tight relationship with someone.
Hopefully not another Kevin Federline!

Filed under: dating, looking, personal problems, relationship problems

She's Always On Top!

Dear Al:
I love my girlfriend to death, but she wont try anything different when it comes to sex!
I want to bang her doggy style, do the 69er, fuck her in the ass, and do the flapjack!
But she wont budge! She's always on top!
She mostly loves riding me while I'm laying on the floor, but my ass can't take that shit anymore! She broke my tailbone!

Al, as of today, I'm wearing the pants in our relationship! I'm gona be on top from here on out! Any ideas how to get there?
-- Ron, Melbourne, Australia

Dear Ron:
If your wife doesn't own a dildo, you might have a chance to get on top!


Or maybe not!

Look... Talk to her, let her know how your ass feels! If she still wont let you get on top, tell her she can ride you as long as you're laying on a bed. If she still wont compromise, grab the nearest dildo! Good luck!

Filed under: dating, relationship problems, sex, videos, youtube