I want to crawl into a hole and die!

Dear AL:
I have a really embarrassing problem!
I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks. I have not had sex with anyone since my husband who had prem ejaculation so sex was really quick.
I had 2 children with my husband and sometimes have stress incontinence. Anyway when we had sex, I was in continent and somehow his socks got wet where they were under 'the action'. He asked how they got wet and I just changed the subject. I am mortified.
Do i say anything about the socks and what happens (if!!! which i doubt) we have sex again. He must have realised that it happened!! I want to crawl into a hole and die! What is the way forward - celebacy?!
-- Lil, Hants, UK

Dear Lil:
Everyone pissed themselves one time or another, even on other peoples socks. You're not alone!

Stress urinary incontinence can be treated by strengthening the pelvic floor muscles through Kegel exercises, Ben Wa balls, or a more recently developed exercise technique called vaginal cone therapy. Not only will you stop peeing on his socks once you master these exercises, sex will be so good he'll be peeing on yours!

* Urinary Incontinence Treatment
* Kegel exercise
* Ben Wa balls

I hope this helped!

He used to respond, but no longer!

Dear AL:
I met this fellow from NC, I am from MA. We've been txting for a few weeks. Next he called. We started calling and phone txting. He came to MA and we hung out for a day. We've continued to call/txt. However, now he no longer answers my emails, and this week he has taken a long time to answer my txtes/voice mails. He used to respond within a reasonable time. Now I feel like like there's something he's holding back about. Any advice?
-- Keilah, US

Dear Keilah:
Sorry it took so long to repond, some female has been distracting me with her text messages. God, she's annoying!

Anyway, have you ever been on a blind date, and when you met the person they turned out to be some dorky looking freak or a dumbass like Paris Hilton? I'm not saying you're a dog or a Jet Set moron, but sometimes these things happen. You could be the most beautiful woman on the planet inside and out, but some guys might prefer Ugly Betty.

Maybe you should lay off with the messages and voice mails, and move on. If he's really interested, he'll contact you. Don't hound him, makes you look desperate. Nobody wants a needy person, specially if you freaked him out on the first date. There's plenty of fish in the sea, don't waste your time with Charlie Tuna!

I'm old, plus this is a major red mark!

Dear AL:
Word is going around that I'm about to get the boot. I've been working for our advertising firm for over 7 years, made them millions of dollars, but recently we lost a contract due to laptop malfunctions during a presentation. Me and my secretary tried to show a presentation on similar laptops, but those computers crashed. My boss thinks this happened due to incompetence, not the cheap laptops he brought that eveyone complains about, including a secretary he's fucking. Al, no one is gona hire me if my boss gets me fired! I'm old, plus this is a major red mark! What can I do to prevent him from dragging my name through the mud? He just ordered us to turn in all laptops to him for new ones.
-- Jason

Yo Jason:
Would have been nice if you told us the brand name and model of those laptops so we don't make the mistake of buying it. I hope your ass gets fired! :P

Anyway, it sounds like your boss is trying to cover his tracks with the new laptops, but there's just one problem, George probably used company funds to buy the old laptops as well as the new ones, so there's a record. Document the laptop malfunctions you had during the presentation as well as the complaints made about these machines by fellow employees. Make a formal complaint with your companies human resource office, or take this matter over your bosses head to his boss to point out the faulty laptops he brought. Start a blog and tell the world, and let your coworkers know because it will get back to the CEO's, but make no threats of blackmail like a dumbass, not even as a joke. No company wants it's name dragged through the mud over the internet for wrongly accussing someone for anothers persons incompetence. Last thing, pray your boss is not sleeping with his boss, or you're fucked!

Can you throw me some pointers?

Dear AL:
There's this person I'm dying to hook-up with! The first time I've seen her was at a club during her stage performance with men that were dressed like women. Not sure what was up with that, and my friends tell me she's a dude, but I know in my heart she's female. Anyway, I think she might be interested because she's always looking my way during her shows. It's been a few years since I've been with a girl. Can you throw me some pointers, and maybe an escape plan if her name turns out to be Fred. Thanks!
-- Matt, California

Yo Matt:
If your friends say she's a dude, she's a DUDE! Even if she's not a dude, performers stare out into the audience. They're not looking for true love, Beaves. If you have to meet her to be sure, compliment her after the show, and go with the flow. There's no perfect line to run on the opposite or same sex, just be yourself. If she turns out to be a dude, try not to hurt Freds feelings by running away, just hook him up with one of your buddies. Chances are one or more of them are gay since they keep attending these drag queen shows. Maybe it's time you came out of the closet! Be true to yourself!

Totally incapable of enjoying my dates

Dear Al:
We broke up some 7 months ago. Her dad was diagnosed with cancer and he wanted her settle down before he dies. He is allergic to medicines so there is no real chance of him surviving. She comes from a very traditional family and the age gap of 8 years isnt appreciated (me being younger). That being said, we still love each other but her family comes first to her.

Now the problem is, I cannot seem to get over her.I tried dating other women but I felt like i was cheating her! I tried telling myself that was stupid but my stupid mind would not listen. I also felt like I was cheating the women i went out with cos I am still in love with another woman.

My friends say and i believe that the best way to get over somebody is to start dating others. But I find myself totally incapable of enjoying my dates with this guilt feeling. I cant really tell them that i am still in love with other woman, can i? And if I stop seeing others for now, I think I am just going to extend this painful period further! I know I have to stop thinking too much but how?

Yo Anonymous:
***Smack!*** Pull yourself together!

Look dude/dudette, have you ever thought about waiting? How would you feel while watching your father croak your love was dating others? He probably kicked the bucket, so she's in mourning while you're trying to forget her. Be a man and wait for her!

Your friends are morons! The last thing you should be doing is going on dates. You're wasting you're time as well as those girls, but if your friends get you to go on a few, telling a woman you're dating about a past love is the biggest mistake you can make, because her first thought will be "What the fuck are you doing, stupid?" right before excusing herself to the ladies room, never to return.

Hangout with your friends and tell them how you feel when you feel like talking about her, but not while they're trying to get some ass. Keeping things bottled up will lead to depression and watching Oprah, resulting in you're friends distancing themselves from you when they discover you're a member of her book club. Seeking professional help will prevent this fate!

You know, she could have also been bullshiting ya. She either got sick of being your mommy, or still had strong feelings for a love before you, and managed to hook up again with this person granting her dads last wish, but I could be wrong. I hope this helped!