Wife's Facebook profile states Democrat. Divorcing!

Hey AL:
Tonight I discovered my wife is a freakin' liberal on her Facebook profile. So the love she says she has for me, our relationship, was all a lie! She knows I'm a Republican, so what else could it be. She was desperate! When I talked to her about it, and that I want a divorce, her tearful response would have been genuine if she was a Republican, but we know Democrats are frauds.

Al, I feel kind of sorry for her. Should I give her a chance if she converts parties? She might do it.
-- Matt, Ohio

Dear ASSHOLE:
Divorce her. You'll be doing her a favor.

Can't have her expressing her love for you, specially since she's a liberal. How dare she marry you! And to think, you was happy with her up till now. What were you thinking, Matt?

Army recruiter wont leave me alone

Dear AL:
About a month ago I made a mistake of seeing a certain Army recruiter. After deciding not to join the Army after taking the ASVAB test which I passed with flying colors, this recruiter wont except no for an answer. He's upset for driving me to take this test, but it wasn't like he wasted gas, there were two other potential recruits who came along for the same reason. What made me change my mind? After seeing my test results, he kept stating on the ride back to his office about papers I had to sign. About 10 times, like I'll forget. When I told him my decision back in his office to go to college, he started cursing at me right off the bat, saying I had to join, so I walked out. Since then he calls me almost everyday, threatening me with jail time if I don't report to a MEP's station to enlist!

AL, I'm just starting my life. Can he really send me to jail?
-- Troubled in New York

Dear Troubled:
Taking the ASVAB test doesn't mean you're obligated to join the Army. You wont go to jail if you don't join. Beaves is lying to make his quota to maintain his appearance towards superiors.

I suggest you buy yourself one of those handy dandy digital voice recorders with a telephone recording attachment, and record him next time he calls. Don't let him in on it, let a lawyer break the news to the boy wonder. He will leave you alone, guaranteed.

Kw's: advice, criminal, deceptive, desperate, dishonest, dishonorable, false, forceful, harassment, harassed, liar, lied, misleading, oppressive, overbearing, threatening

Best friend's husband had an affair with my husband

Dear AL:
This is not easy, but i can't keep this bottled in. Last night i found out that my husband has been having an affair with my best friend's husband. MY BEST FRIEND'S HUSBAND! I discovered this when i returned home early last Friday from a girl's night out. When i saw my husband wasn't in the living room, i heard the shower going, so i went to see him. When i pulled the curtain open, i saw my best friend's husband instead. After we both said hi, i asked him what he was doing here, and he said he was taking a shower. I then walked over to my bedroom since i heard our Wii playing, and as soon as i walked in my husband screamed. He screamed like a little girl! I then asked him what's going on and he started to cry, giving no excuses. We haven't talked since that day.

I then put 2 and 2 together, from his slightly fruity cologne he started wearing last summer, the tiny heart tattoo on his butt which i wouldn't have never known existed if he hadn't slipped on the bathroom floor. And now the shower and his scream.

When we married 3 years ago, he was straight! At least i thought he was. How could this have happened?
- Mariam

Dear Mariam:
They must have watched Brokeback Mountain.

I would recommend marriage counseling, but since he's morphed into this other guys bitch, it would be a waste of time. He probably had these feelings before you met, but due to his upbringing, he couldn't be himself, so he needed a front. You. It could have been Brokeback Mountain like, and from what you wrote above, he was probably the character who initiated this affair. He wasn't Heath Ledger!

I know this hurts, but you have to divorce your husband. Don't waste your time with this relationship. Take care of yourself.

Out of curiousity, how couldn't you notice the tattoo on his butt?

Note: The above image "Brokeback Mountain Sims" is by fanseelamb.
http://www.wonderlandblog.com/wonderland/

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, best friend, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

Two year old daughter doesn't like me

Dear AL:
My 2 year old daughter told me today that she doesn't like me. At breakfast, right after I spilled a little milk on her while pouring it into her cereal she said "Mommy, mommy, I don't like you." You wont believe how shock I was to hear this coming from her mouth. When I started to dry her she said with a smile "mommy, I'm K," followed with a frown "I don't like you." I then ran to the kitchen and started to cry.

I'm afraid the accident with the milk has embedded this thought towards me. What can I do?
-- Jasmine, Ohio

Dear Jasmine:
Give her a cookie.

Hey, your daughter is young, and I'm sure she loves you. Kids say the funniest things when they're that age, so don't worry about it.

I'd push her off a building, but I can't

Dear Al:

I have two friends whom I am very close to. Well, closer to one than the other, but that's beside the point. So late last year, the one whom I'm closer to, whom we shall call A, has had a friend. This friend seems to have no one but A, so clings on to A like A was a lifebuoy in the dead sea.

I wouldn't bother about it, since the fact that A enjoys being a lifebuoy has nothing to do with me, except that A allows the damn barnacle to join us three, almost ALL THE FREAKING TIME!

She's even gone so far to join the same club as us so she can leech on to A. LORD HELP US.

I'd push her off a building, but I can't get the barnacle alone, because she's always trying to be around A.

*Tears hair out*

-- Annoyed Girl

Dear Annoyed: *Gluing her hair back on*
You're friends with A. Ok... close friends, but it seems like you're latched on to this buoy like the barnacle. Maybe A's reaching out to this other person because you're crusting A to death. If that's not the case, the way your message reads, it wont be long before you're scraped off with a putty knife.

You're not married to A... not dating... so A can see whomever. You either accept the barnacles presence, crust and all, or find someone else to cling too. That doesn't mean you can't ask A out on a date, just don't be surprised if A brings a pressure washer. I hope this helped!