Dear Al:
I just quit smoking a day ago, and I'm going nuts! I can't think, I'm very moody, my heads hurting right now, and I feel like I'm gona throw up! Me and my husband want to have a baby right now, but why is it so hard for me to quit this time? The last time I quit wasn't this bad!
Al, tell me freakin something to keep me from smoking again! This shit fuckin sucks!
-- Diane, Los Angeles
Dear Diane:
It's gona kill ya, and harm your baby! You know this, so don't be a butthead and start that shit up again! Cigarettes kill more Americans than alcohol, car accidents, suicide, AIDS, homicide, and illegal drugs combined! Each year, about 438,000 people die in the US from tobacco use. Smoking is associated with reduced fertility and a higher risk of miscarriage, early delivery (prematurity), stillbirth, infant death, and is a cause of low birth weight in infants. It has also been linked to sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).
American Cancer Society: "Cigarette Smoking"
The reason why it's so hard to quit smoking this time around is because the Tobacco Companies secretly added 10 to 20 percent more nicotine to their cigarettes. Don't you just love them? Smokers who choose "light" brands hoping to reduce their nicotine intake are out of luck. According to a recent report, there was no significant difference in the total nicotine delivered between "full flavor," "medium," "light," or "ultra-light" cigarettes.
LA Times: "Cigarettes Packing More Nicotine, Report Shows"
New York Times: "Raising Nicotine Doses, on the Sly"
Massachusetts Department of Health: "Nicotine in cigarettes increases"
Nicotine is more toxic and addictive than Cocain. 40–60 mg of nicotine is a lethal dosage for adults, which makes it 16-25 times more deadly than Cocain, which has a lethal dose at 1000 mg.
Wikipedia: "Nicotine"
Smoking will eventually make you look worse than the girl in the post before this one! Had enough?
Filed under: advice, health, smoking, addictions, cancer
I Can't Stand My Mom's Husband!
Hey Al:
I wanna go visit my mom but I seriously can't stand her husband. He lives there, of course, and he's always home. So, if I wanna spend some time driving all the way up there to go visit my mom in person, I have to deal with him too. I really can't stand the guy so I stay away and just call my mom on the phone. What would you do in this situation?
-- Paul, cyberspace
Yo Paul:
If you haven't already, talk to your Mom. Let her know how you feel.
You could invite her over, just she might bring baggage along, which could work to your advantage if you play your cards right. Have a friend pretend to be your live in disgusting girlfriend, to include burping, farting, and whatever it takes that when you invite your Mom over again, she'll come alone. Let your Mom in on your plans so she wont get sick.
I hope this helped!
Filed under: advice, family matters
I wanna go visit my mom but I seriously can't stand her husband. He lives there, of course, and he's always home. So, if I wanna spend some time driving all the way up there to go visit my mom in person, I have to deal with him too. I really can't stand the guy so I stay away and just call my mom on the phone. What would you do in this situation?
-- Paul, cyberspace
Yo Paul:
If you haven't already, talk to your Mom. Let her know how you feel.
You could invite her over, just she might bring baggage along, which could work to your advantage if you play your cards right. Have a friend pretend to be your live in disgusting girlfriend, to include burping, farting, and whatever it takes that when you invite your Mom over again, she'll come alone. Let your Mom in on your plans so she wont get sick.
I hope this helped!
Filed under: advice, family matters
Slowly Girls Are Getting Turned Off By Me!
Dear Al:
I'm addicted to online dating, doing it since I started Rumschpringe, my rite of passage into the Amish life, but slowly the girls are getting more and more turned off by me!
The last girl I was suppose to meet at a park for a date, picked up her things as soon as she saw me, and started to walk away. When I called her name, she ran! You know how embarassing that was? I almost crushed my hat!
Since then I'm spending a few extra hours a night online to find the perfect woman, so I don't have to go through that again. Do you have any advice? -- Brother Garb, Intercourse, PA
Dear Garb:
Loose those black clothes, fuckin' shave, and stop calling yourself brother, or I'll crush your hat!
Rumspringa is your time to cut loose, specially if you live in a town called Intercourse! You should be fuckin' everybody, with a hat of course, but not the one on your head!
Just kidding, you know! Last thing you want to catch is an STD, because no one will baptize your ass with a ten foot pole!
Filed under: dating, looking, on-the-internet, relationship-problems
I'm addicted to online dating, doing it since I started Rumschpringe, my rite of passage into the Amish life, but slowly the girls are getting more and more turned off by me!
The last girl I was suppose to meet at a park for a date, picked up her things as soon as she saw me, and started to walk away. When I called her name, she ran! You know how embarassing that was? I almost crushed my hat!
Since then I'm spending a few extra hours a night online to find the perfect woman, so I don't have to go through that again. Do you have any advice? -- Brother Garb, Intercourse, PA
Dear Garb:
Loose those black clothes, fuckin' shave, and stop calling yourself brother, or I'll crush your hat!
Rumspringa is your time to cut loose, specially if you live in a town called Intercourse! You should be fuckin' everybody, with a hat of course, but not the one on your head!
Just kidding, you know! Last thing you want to catch is an STD, because no one will baptize your ass with a ten foot pole!
Filed under: dating, looking, on-the-internet, relationship-problems
Why Didn't The Emmy Awards Pull The Plane Crash Skit?
Dear Al:
I just can't believe it! As of last night I will no longer watch the Conan O'Brien show! That dumbass played in a skit on the Emmy awards show where he's involved in a plane crash, hours after an actual plane crash in Kentucky killing all aboard! Why didn't the Emmy awards show executive producer, Ken Ehrlich, pull the plane crash skit?
Al, what the fuck is wrong with these people at NBC?
-- Joe, Lexington, Kentucky
Dear Joe:
Fuckin' NBC has to make a buck somehow, and what better way than to air a skit on the Emmy awards involving a plane crash, right after an actual plane crash!
I'm sure Conan O'Brien would have pulled the prerecorded skit from being aired if he could, but he's not the one producing the show.
Ken EhrDICK (Producer), you've done a heck of a job! Hope it's your last!
Tags: dumbasses, NBC, Emmy Awards, Conan O'brien
I just can't believe it! As of last night I will no longer watch the Conan O'Brien show! That dumbass played in a skit on the Emmy awards show where he's involved in a plane crash, hours after an actual plane crash in Kentucky killing all aboard! Why didn't the Emmy awards show executive producer, Ken Ehrlich, pull the plane crash skit?
Al, what the fuck is wrong with these people at NBC?
-- Joe, Lexington, Kentucky
Dear Joe:
Fuckin' NBC has to make a buck somehow, and what better way than to air a skit on the Emmy awards involving a plane crash, right after an actual plane crash!
I'm sure Conan O'Brien would have pulled the prerecorded skit from being aired if he could, but he's not the one producing the show.
Ken EhrDICK (Producer), you've done a heck of a job! Hope it's your last!
Tags: dumbasses, NBC, Emmy Awards, Conan O'brien
When Should Girls Offer To Pay On A First Date?
Dear Al:
I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm embarrassed to ask my friend this:
When should girls offer to pay on a first date?
--Verrgin Geek =P , Australia
Dear Verrgin:
Not today... not tomorrow... Never! Guys want to pick up the tab, and by you insisting on paying, a guy will take this as a sign that you're not interested in them, or you're retarded. Most females who lose interest in a guy, pay, so they don't feel like they used them. So don't you ever offer to pay, unless you're in a tight relationship with someone.
Hopefully not another Kevin Federline!
Filed under: dating, looking, personal problems, relationship problems
I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm embarrassed to ask my friend this:
When should girls offer to pay on a first date?
--Verrgin Geek =P , Australia
Dear Verrgin:
Not today... not tomorrow... Never! Guys want to pick up the tab, and by you insisting on paying, a guy will take this as a sign that you're not interested in them, or you're retarded. Most females who lose interest in a guy, pay, so they don't feel like they used them. So don't you ever offer to pay, unless you're in a tight relationship with someone.
Hopefully not another Kevin Federline!
Filed under: dating, looking, personal problems, relationship problems
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